Bullying - Please help

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camberwell fox

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Hi,

I am experiencing something that is alien to me and I would really like some input as to how to help me (and particularly my son) deal with it.

He is 8, nearly 9 and started at a new school last September (2017). He’s having an awful time and is being bullied by exclusion and tonight it has really come to a head as he is dreading going back to school on Wednesday.

Please, anyone who is thinking of taking this lightly please keep sarcasm away as I am genuinely asking for help.

We have had four meetings with the headmaster over the entire time that this has been going on (12 months), and my son is Having nightmares about returning to school on Wednesday. It’s a fee paying school as the state options are not great but over this period his behaviour has deteriorated due to what has gone on.

Can someone please offer some advise as we are considering moving him but are really unsure whethe this will help or what else we can do.

Thank you.
 
If you've already had four meetings with the head and nothing has improved, I'm inclined to think that you are right to consider moving him. Has the school got a written policy on bullying which you have been able to access? Does it seem fit-for-purpose? Is the school putting the policy into action or just playing lip-service to it?
 
Having been bullied in school myself, I greatly sympathize. The bullying I experienced was physical which was probably less complicated to deal with with than what your son is experiencing to be honest.

Would you mind elaborating on what you mean by 'bullied by exclusion'? Is he being excluded by teachers or pupils?

I would say the most important thing you can do is talk to your son. Be careful about suggesting he do anything as it can leave the impression that he has been doing something wrong to deserve the treatment. Even if he expresses feelings that shock you, try not to react. It's important he feels comfortable talking to you, rather than holding back for fear of disappointing you.
 
Having been bullied in school myself, I greatly sympathize. The bullying I experienced was physical which was probably less complicated to deal with with than what your son is experiencing to be honest.

Would you mind elaborating on what you mean by 'bullied by exclusion'? Is he being excluded by teachers or pupils?

I would say the most important thing you can do is talk to your son. Be careful about suggesting he do anything as it can leave the impression that he has been doing something wrong to deserve the treatment. Even if he expresses feelings that shock you, try not to react. It's important he feels comfortable talking to you, rather than holding back for fear of disappointing you.
Love this response.
 
My other half has taught year 4 for the last few years. Her school puts a massive emphasis on their kids’ mental well-being, I’ll work it into conversation tonight and see what she thinks. It could just be that the school doesn’t have a good enough policy on these things and they don’t understand how to handle it.
 
Thanks all. The school has a beey well defined policy but it does feel that this isn’t being adhered to, perhaps because what is going on is difficult for the school to see.

By this I mean that in the year my son is in there are three classes and most of these (boys mostly) have formed into gangs which at play time won’t allow my son to play with them, much worse is that they verbally attack him and chip away at his confidence.

There was an incident a few weeks ago where a few kids from one of these groups had some money stolen while in the playground.

They decided that this money must have been taken by my son so after a period of all of them goading him he felt the only way to exonerate himself was to pull his trousers and pants down in the playground to prove he hadn’t taken the money.

This in one of many incidents.

He was in tears last night again dreading returning to school tomorrow which is very upsetting and worrying.

We found out (by chance) a few weeks ago that he spends his breaks in the library as he can’t bear to be in the playground with this going on around him.

My course of action this far has been to try and fight it but I’m now not so sure this is the right course of action...?
 
A few brief points cf.

First one is that friendship groups change a lot over the Primary years and early in Secondary school age. My daughter had a spell in Primary school where she was isolated out of the gangs/groups. However now she's got loads of friends. My point here is that this is your son's situation now but it will change.

That doesn't help now though. Does he have friends at school? Does he get invited to others parties etc? What about the other way round, do you ask other boys round to give your son the opportunity to develop friendships? That is all crucial in my view. Even if it's hard work initially. Do you know other kids parents to talk to as that could be worth trying too.

The school getting too involved can be counterproductive if other kids feel forced to behave in more appropriate ways with your son, as they are likely to resent it. Teachers are pretty good usually at balancing this but I am a bit worried about the approach they've taken so far.

It's an awful thing to go through so my sympathies.
 
A few brief points cf.

First one is that friendship groups change a lot over the Primary years and early in Secondary school age. My daughter had a spell in Primary school where she was isolated out of the gangs/groups. However now she's got loads of friends. My point here is that this is your son's situation now but it will change.

That doesn't help now though. Does he have friends at school? Does he get invited to others parties etc? What about the other way round, do you ask other boys round to give your son the opportunity to develop friendships? That is all crucial in my view. Even if it's hard work initially. Do you know other kids parents to talk to as that could be worth trying too.

The school getting too involved can be counterproductive if other kids feel forced to behave in more appropriate ways with your son, as they are likely to resent it. Teachers are pretty good usually at balancing this but I am a bit worried about the approach they've taken so far.

It's an awful thing to go through so my sympathies.
Thanks BN.

At work at the moment but will respond in more depth later...

Would you suggest sitting tight and not moving him?
 
Unfortunately I can only approach this from the angle of a state school, I have no experience of a private establishment or how the management hierarchy is set up so forgive me if some of this doesn't apply.

My first point of call would be to establish who is the safeguarding lead in the school and talk to them. If the meetings with the head have been unproductive then it may be time to book an appointment with the chair of governors and let them know what is going on. As you are paying fees to keep your son in the school there is a huge expectation that you are getting benefit from your money, the bottom line is that you are paying their wages and have the option to remove that source of funding from the school should your son not getting the levels of support that are expected.

You say the state options are not great, however, I think from what you've said, your son/family would have had access to far more resources through the local authority (and far more recourse against the school) than at a fee paying school.
 
Thanks everyone.

Will look through in detail later.

If anyone could look at the anti-bullying policy please PM me and I will post a link.

Can’t put it here as it gives school details multiple times.
 
Thanks BN.

At work at the moment but will respond in more depth later...

Would you suggest sitting tight and not moving him?

With the facts you've shared, I'd say not yet. Remember that if you did move him, he'd be starting again with another group of established friendship groups and his current confidence is low.

If he has friends in another school that would ease this, I'd be more inclined to consider it now.
 
I'm a bit shocked that the school has not done more to intervene, or even acknowledge what is going on. There is more for you to do here, and you must insist that this is raised again - regardless of whether they consider/recognise this to be 'bullying' or not, they have a duty to encourage social inclusion across the board. So the bullying policy might not help, but the SENCO certainly should - it's exactly what they are there for. SENCO responsibilities cover all sorts of educational needs, and it certainly covers social interaction and exclusion. This is their job, so use them !
Whilst you would never want them to force others to interact/play with him, there are a bucketload of things that a good school/teacher could do to foster greater friendships for children in that position - this kind of stuff is quite common in all age groups (but as BN says, children can fluctuate in and out of this state throughout school life)

That's the school's job, but there's also stuff you can do - are there groups, clubs etc. that he can join to foster friendship groups (in or out of school ? Much derided, but Scouts is good for this kind of thing - as are drama groups and any kind of sports activity. Does he have one particular person he is closer to ? Invite them over, do something amazing and exciting with them, talk with that child's parents and generate a bond that way. One friend can be enough to support/help him through anything - plus it's a route to others

Isolation is genuinely tough for a child that age, and heartbreaking for parents to see and not know what to do or say to make it better - but it can change within a matter of weeks if they are supported properly.
 
There are some interesting and helpful replies. I would suggest that you write down every incident in detail naming names. If obscene language is used then write it down in full. .
Mention with dates the number of times you have seen the head Ask what action has been taken. Has the school written to the parents of the bullies?
If there is still no action write to the governors and your local councillor The local councillor may have no power in the matter but a letter from him/her .will certainly get a reply.

Institutions are very keen to say "we cannot discuss individual cases" This is a very useful way for them to cover up a lack of action. Do not accept this - it is your son.
 
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