Resurrecting the random joke thread

[OldGit]

In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?", said the nurse. "I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die" whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images". Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took David's hand in his right hand and the Nicks hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ". "Amen", said David. "Amen", said Nick.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards; and I would like to do the same ..."

 

[Longcliffe]

Re: Reurecting the random joke thread

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

 

[Longcliffe]

Re: Reurecting the random joke thread

There was a young woman called Ulrika
Whose sex life could have been sweeter
She was battered by Stan
Sven wasn't a fan
And she was raped by that **** off Blue Peter

 

[homer]

Re: Reurecting the random joke thread

Holy Jebus

Close it down again, quick !

 

[pork pie fox]

Re: Reurecting the random joke thread

Rewhatnow with the joke thread?

 

[Motown Fox]

Re: Reurecting the random joke thread

Holy Jebus

Close it down again, quick !

Or if it continues can someone change the title or has the ss gone now due to the last one of them dying

 

[Blue Maniac]

Re: Reurecting the random joke thread

Or if it continues can someone change the title or has the ss gone now due to the last one of them dying

ss?

 

[RHYDAL]

Re: Reurecting the random joke thread

ss?

I smell gas

 

[bocadillo]

I smell gas

Hoof hearted?

 

[spionfox]

Hoof hearted?

Whale oil beef hooked

 

[Motown Fox]

Well today is that day, So as this thread is relaunched, so to speak, here we are.
http://www.piratejokes.net/jokes/arr?pg=1

Q What type of girls do pirates like?
A Ayyyye candy!

Why did the Wench want to please the Pirate in the hot tub?

So she could blow him out of the water


A Pirate with a Wooden Eye walked into a Scanty Bar.

There he saw a Beautiful Gal drinking alone at the bar, dangling a peg leg over the barstool, and looking lonely.

She had a Harelip but she was a woman he could not over look.

So, he walked on over on his Peg Leg and asked, “Hey little
darling, would you like to belly-up for a few drinks with me,” and she answered,
“Would I, Would I,” and the Pirate retorted, “Harelip, Harelip!”

 

[Motown Fox]

A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...

He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.

She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.

Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.

Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.

Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!

He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...

As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!

 

[Blue Maniac]

Someone get alex to do that duck joke again.

 

[Matt_B]

Re: Rezzzzzzzzurrecting the random joke thread

Title amended accordingly

 

[fitz]

Re: Rezzzzzzzzurrecting the random joke thread

Title amended accordingly

Finally, something slightly amusing

 

[Darth Vodka]

A large Humpback whale...

like it, duly stored for pub banter

 

[Macky]

What do you call a black fella flying a plane?




























































A pilot, you ****ing racist

 

[fox58]

Who's the coolest man at the hospital?

The ultrasound guy

 

[Macky]

What's invisible and smells of worms?





































Bird farts

 

[pork pie fox]

Why did the baker have brown hands?





Because he kneaded a poo.