Anybody called Barry Nicholson can't be a good footballer, that is fact. It just isn't a footballers name.
Remember in the old days, when footy players kicked a ****ing ball made out
of ten pound of clay stitched inside a steel-reinforced leather shell with
laces made out of piano wire? Well, in them days players could only survive
the rigours of the game because they were called things like Albert, Arthur,
Bert, Harry, Bill, Eddie, Bob, Jack and Tommy. ****ing tough names for tough
men, them was. And what do we have now? Gareth, Jason, Wayne, Dean, Ryan,
Jamie, Robbie. ****ing tarts names, they are. Great big ****ing puffs.
No wonder the balls like a ****ing balloon and shin pads are like slices of
bread. In the old days you never saw a Len Shackleton or a Billy Wright with
a puffy little Sondico piece of paper down his little thin socks. ****ing
shinpads in them days was made out of library books, and socks was like
sackcloth. Same with the jerseys. ****ing shirts with holes in em now so
they can breathe. Yes, so that little Jody's hairless chest can breathe and
he doesn't get a chill. **** off. Stanley Matthews used to dribble round
Europe's finest wearing a ****ing tent and shorts cobbled together from the
jacket of his de-mob suit. Aye, he ****ing did. No wonder players fall over
all the time whenever an opponent comes anywhere near them. And they never
used to show their arses at one another either. Can you imagine what might
have happened if Don Revie had flashed his ring at Nat Lofthouse during a
City-Bolton Wanderers game? He'd have got one of them size-13 hobnail
****ers up his bastard chuff.
****ing therapy for stress my arse! Stan Collymore slaps his missus about
and he takes three seasons off with stress counselling. What the **** is
that all about? In the old days it was expected for footballers to belt the
old sow about a bit, specially after a bad defeat. And the women used to
expect it, and so they should have. They was lucky to be married to
footballers. Ha! Trevor Morley got a kitchen knife in his back off his wife
and was out of action for three months. Soft twat. Archie McShitt of Port
Vale got run over with horse and cart one Friday night and he still turned
out against Bradford the following day. And he scored two goals. That's cos
his name wasn't Trevor". Good old Archie. Broke his hip, both his legs,
murdered his wife and buried her under the patio and still made the England
team for the Home Internationals. Did he have any "stress counselling"?
Did he bollocks!
And drugs? There was none of that in the old days. Oh, no. In them days it
was a quick shot of morphine before kick-off and you was lucky if you got
that. By half-time it had all but wore off so they pumped you full of
laudanum. None of this cocaine sniffing and shooting up class A narcotics.
Goal celebrations? Don't talk to me about goal celebrations. Crawling on the
floor and thrusting their hips at the crowd. Huh! Id like to have seen Cliff
Bastin do that after a run down the left flank and crossing for Alex James
to fire home a winner. Handshakes...and that was all you got. That and a
wank in the showers afterwards. But it was a proper wank...all man stuff.
None of these puffy wanks between blokes that you get nowadays with players
like Graeme Le Saux and Stephen Gerrard. Allegedly. In them days, there was
nowt wrong with it cos it didn't mean nowt. They used to say there was a
"gay atmosphere" in the dressing room after the match. But it didn't mean
owt mucky. Just a bit of harmless spanking the plank among healthy young
sportsmen. Aye. I know. Me dad told me.
Sixty grand a ****ing week! Ha! I wouldn't pay em tuppence. Two bob is what
Tommy Lawton used to get...a month! And Tom Finney still worked as a plumber
four days a week when he was playing for England. Its true, you know.
****ing is. Players had to work them days just to make up their money. Not
like today. Stan Pearson had to clean sewers and doubled up as Old Trafford
shithouse cleaner. He had to go off during one game because some **** had
built a log cabin and blocked the U-bend. And that Eddie Hapgood was a male
model...though he never liked to talk about it. So I say we start calling
kids real male names again. If you're having a kid, don't even consider
puffy names and shite names like what people call their kids these days.
Otherwise what we gonna get in twenty years time? The England team full of
players called Keanu, Ronan, Ashley and ****ing Chesney. **** that! Call
your kids Alf, Herbert, Len, Frank, Fred and Wilf. And lets get the puffs
out of the game once and for all.