The random joke thread

[Yorkshire Vixen]

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride, "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open?' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

 

[MHS]

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"


:icon_lol:

 

[homer]

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"


:icon_lol:

Best joke on this thread so far

:icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[MKFox]

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"


:icon_lol:

 

[fox58]

Bill and Ben the flower pot men are in bed together when Bill says flob alob alob alob

Ben replies if you really loved me you would have swallowed that!

 

[MKFox]

an oldy but it still makes me laugh!:icon_bigg


Rafa Benitez flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left.

The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten and raped and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

Sorry?!!!" says his mum,











"It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

 

[Scarby]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

 

[Scarby]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[NN Fox]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[OldGit]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

 

[Melton Fox]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

:icon_lol:

 

[Scarby]

:icon_lol::icon_lol:

 

[fcukcov]

A Young Girl Goes To Her Boyfriend's Parents' House For Sunday Lunch.
This Is To Be Her First Time Meeting The Family And She Is Very Nervous.
They All Sit Down And Begin Eating A Lovely Meal
The Girl Is Beginning To Feel A Little Discomfort, Thanks To Her Nervousness And The Broccoli Casserole.
The Gas Pains Are Almost Making Her Eyes Water, And Left With No Other Choice, She Decides To Relieve Herself A Bit And Lets Out A Dainty Little Fart.

It Wasn't Loud, But Unfortunately Everyone At The Table Heard The Little Poof.
Before She Even Had A Chance To Be Embarrassed, Her Boyfriend's Father Looked Over At The Dog That Had Been Snoozing Under The Girls Chair, And Said In A Rather Stern Voice, '"skippy!'.'

The Girl Thought, ''this Is Great'' And A Big Smile Came Across Her Face.
A Couple Of Minutes Later, She Was Beginning To Feel The Pain Again.
This Time, She Didn't Even Hesitate. She Let A Much Louder Rrrrip.
The Father Again Looked At The Dog And Yelled, '' Dammit Skippy!''
Once Again The Girl Smiled And Thought ''yes!'' A Few Minutes Later The Girl Had To Let Another Rip. This Time She Didn't Even Think About It And She Let A Fart Go That Rivaled A Train Whistle Blowing.

Once Again, The Father Looked At The Dog With Disgust And Yelled, Dammit Skippy, Get Away From Her, Before She Sh*ts On You!

 

[lazzer]

quality leroy :icon_lol:

 

[Melton Fox]

How come every word begins with a capital except Skippys name

Great joke though

 

[fcukcov]

How come every word begins with a capital except Skippys name

Great joke though

it was all in capitals on the email, when I copied and pasted it across thats what webbos anti-capital letter formatting did.

 

[fosseboy83]

Octupus walks into a bar, says bet i can play any musical instrument you've got! one man gives him a guitar and is amazed to see the octopus play it better than hendrix, second bloke gives him a piano and is amazed that he plays it better than elton john, scots man passes him some bagpipes 'there ye go laddie' after five minutes of fumbling and looking confused, the jock interupts the octupus and says 'soo ye cannie play it then, laddie' 'play it? im gonna shag it as soon as i get its pyjamas off'

 

[MHS]

Octupus walks into a bar, says bet i can play any musical instrument you've got! one man gives him a guitar and is amazed to see the octopus play it better than hendrix, second bloke gives him a piano and is amazed that he plays it better than elton john, scots man passes him some bagpipes 'there ye go laddie' after five minutes of fumbling and looking confused, the jock interupts the octupus and says 'soo ye cannie play it then, laddie' 'play it? im gonna shag it as soon as i get its pyjamas off'

 

[fosseboy83]

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly; she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles
upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do
this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off
running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing a big line of coke.

So the rabbit again says,"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come.
Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then
tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... "Lion my
friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us
through the sunny forest, you'll feel so good!

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the sh#t out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,

"Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to help us!"
The lion answers, "That little f***! He makes me run around the forest
like a muppet every time he's had an E."