The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
- Status
think its been on before:
A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Rangers fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"
He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rangers fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"
A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Rangers fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"
He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rangers fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"
fcukcov
Active Member
this is really bad
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was
only
broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.
Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
rain,
he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
approached
from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It
was
a
coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
faster.........
BUMP........BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
heard
the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only
seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
his
hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming
the
front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into
his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
the
front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
allowing
the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its
chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
take
him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
launched
itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door
flew
off its hinges.....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
cabinet......
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
coffin.......still it came ........
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it
came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
:icon_lol:
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was
only
broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.
Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
rain,
he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
approached
from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It
was
a
coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
faster.........
BUMP........BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
heard
the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only
seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
his
hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming
the
front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into
his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
the
front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
allowing
the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its
chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
take
him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
launched
itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door
flew
off its hinges.....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
cabinet......
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
coffin.......still it came ........
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it
came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
:icon_lol:
MKFox
New Member
Two men who work in a railway junction-box are switching shifts, as one goes up the metal steps, the other comes down and they meet half way.
"Hey Ron, you should have been here last night, man, it was great. I noticed something down on the railway track and when I went to check, it was a beautiful naked woman tied to the track. I untied her and man, I'm still trying to convince myself it happened. We went into the junction-box, I put on some soft music, poured us a glass of wine and before I knew it we had wild sex in every position, it was amazing."
"Wow, you lucky bastard, did you get a blow job?"
"No...............
I couldn't find her head."
"Hey Ron, you should have been here last night, man, it was great. I noticed something down on the railway track and when I went to check, it was a beautiful naked woman tied to the track. I untied her and man, I'm still trying to convince myself it happened. We went into the junction-box, I put on some soft music, poured us a glass of wine and before I knew it we had wild sex in every position, it was amazing."
"Wow, you lucky bastard, did you get a blow job?"
"No...............
I couldn't find her head."
Jari Rantanen's Shorts
New Member
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the market and sell them.
When he got there he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided it would be more profitable to mate the pigs and split everything fifty-fifty. As they lived twenty miles apart they agreed to drive ten miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family car, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove to the meeting place. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family car again and set off for another try.
This continued each morning for more than a week.
Eventually the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Darling, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the car and one of them is honking the horn."
When he got there he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided it would be more profitable to mate the pigs and split everything fifty-fifty. As they lived twenty miles apart they agreed to drive ten miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family car, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove to the meeting place. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family car again and set off for another try.
This continued each morning for more than a week.
Eventually the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Darling, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the car and one of them is honking the horn."
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."
alex
Well-Known Member
A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any Bread?
>>> Barman says: "No."
>>> Duck says: "Got any bread?"
>>> Barman says: "No."
>>> Duck says: "Got any bread?"
>>> Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
>>> Duck says: "Got any bread?"
>>> Barman says: "No, we haven't got any ****ing bread."
>>> Duck says: "Got any bread?"
>>> Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any ****ing bread,
>>> ask me again and I'll nail your ****ing beak to the bar you
>>> irritating bastard of a ****ing bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?"
>>> Barman says: "No"
>>> Duck says: "Got any bread?
>>> Barman says: "No."
>>> Duck says: "Got any bread?"
>>> Barman says: "No."
>>> Duck says: "Got any bread?"
>>> Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
>>> Duck says: "Got any bread?"
>>> Barman says: "No, we haven't got any ****ing bread."
>>> Duck says: "Got any bread?"
>>> Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any ****ing bread,
>>> ask me again and I'll nail your ****ing beak to the bar you
>>> irritating bastard of a ****ing bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?"
>>> Barman says: "No"
>>> Duck says: "Got any bread?
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
:icon_lol:
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
- Status
| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Manchester C | 5 | 13 |
| 2 | Liverpool | 5 | 12 |
| 3 | Aston Villa | 5 | 12 |
| 4 | Arsenal | 5 | 11 |
| 5 | Chelsea | 5 | 10 |
| 6 | Newcastle | 5 | 10 |
| 7 | Brighton | 5 | 9 |
| 8 | Nottm F | 5 | 9 |
| 9 | Fulham | 5 | 8 |
| 10 | Tottenham | 5 | 7 |
| 11 | Manchester U | 5 | 7 |
| 12 | Brentford | 5 | 6 |
| 13 | Bournemouth | 5 | 5 |
| 14 | West Ham | 5 | 4 |
| 15 | Leicester | 5 | 3 |
| 16 | Palace | 5 | 3 |
| 17 | Ipswich | 5 | 3 |
| 18 | Southampton | 5 | 1 |
| 19 | Everton | 5 | 1 |
| 20 | Wolves | 5 | 1 |
