Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
Never in a million years is that the joke
The random joke thread
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OldGit
Well-Known Member
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their teenage daughter came home with her new boyfriend. They explained the problem and the boyo said he could get the peanut out.
The lad told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The guy and his wife thanked him profusely, but he insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their teenage daughter came home with her new boyfriend. They explained the problem and the boyo said he could get the peanut out.
The lad told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The guy and his wife thanked him profusely, but he insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
:icon_lol: 
prob been posted before
he bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer`s job. Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But. . .you have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man: "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don`t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
{WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet}
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there`s a word-of-the-day...), the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man`s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop`s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don`t know his name," sighed the distraught bishop...
"....but he`s a dead ringer for his brother."
he bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer`s job. Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But. . .you have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man: "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don`t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
{WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet}
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there`s a word-of-the-day...), the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man`s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop`s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don`t know his name," sighed the distraught bishop...
"....but he`s a dead ringer for his brother."
MKFox
New Member
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The Detective then turned to the second blonde,stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The Detective then turned to the second blonde,stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
OldGit
Well-Known Member
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day he reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar still empty
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing, then I tried with both
hands and still nothing. So, then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left and still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
out, and still nothing.
We even called in, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
So I asked my grand-daughter, but you know what teenagers are like - just stormed out of the house.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your grand-daughter?"
The old man replied, "Well, we were getting desperate when none of us oldies could get the jar open."
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day he reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar still empty
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing, then I tried with both
hands and still nothing. So, then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left and still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
out, and still nothing.
We even called in, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
So I asked my grand-daughter, but you know what teenagers are like - just stormed out of the house.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your grand-daughter?"
The old man replied, "Well, we were getting desperate when none of us oldies could get the jar open."
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
:icon_lol:
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
Heather Mills has recently called Paul McCartney insensitive because he brought her a PLANE for her birthday! I dont know what she is moaning at he bought her a razor for the other leg as well!
ive only just got it :icon_conf :icon_redf :icon_roll :icon_lol:
it has been, but it still makes me chuckle :icon_lol:
Willlow
Well-Known Member
Well you are a woman :icon_lol: :icon_wink
OldGit
Well-Known Member
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldnt get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldnt reach the step.
So she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldnt reach the step.
Seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I dont even know you!"
Shocked, the man said, "Well, maam, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I assumed we were friends."
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldnt reach the step.
So she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldnt reach the step.
Seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I dont even know you!"
Shocked, the man said, "Well, maam, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I assumed we were friends."
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
:icon_lol:
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