The random joke thread

[muzzysgal]

Claude and Maude were both 84 years old.

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights. "

 

[Melton Fox]

:icon_lol:

 

[MKFox]

A bit old but still made me smile!


Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst...My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

 

[MHS]

:icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[fox58]

:icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_bigg

 

[fcukcov]

best joke in a log time!!

 

[mitcho_uk]

A man named Jose went to America to see the Yankees vs. the Red Socks. When he got he got his ticket he found that his seat was right at the back of in the top tier. He did not care what section he was in. Anyway, it was game day. Everyone stood for the National Anthem. When Jose got home, he said, "Mama, they made a song in America just for me."

"How does it go, mijo?"

"It goes Jose can you see!

 

[mitcho_uk]

There's three old women on a park bench, then a man jumps out of the bushes and flashes at them.

Two of the women have a stroke, the other one couldn't reach.

 

[fcukcov]

A man named Jose went to America to see the Yankees vs. the Red Socks. When he got he got his ticket he found that his seat was right at the back of in the top tier. He did not care what section he was in. Anyway, it was game day. Everyone stood for the National Anthem. When Jose got home, he said, "Mama, they made a song in America just for me."

"How does it go, mijo?"

"It goes Jose can you see!

booooo hisssss get him off

 

[fcukcov]

There's three old women on a park bench, then a man jumps out of the bushes and flashes at them.

Two of the women have a stroke, the other one couldn't reach.

 

[Darth Vodka]

batman walked by me the other day, hit me with a vase and said "t'pau"

i said don't you mean "kapow" ?

he said "nah, i had china in my hand"








(sorry, it's shit i know)

 

[MHS]

Boooo

 

[Melton Fox]

batman walked by me the other day, hit me with a vase and said "t'pau"

i said don't you mean "kapow" ?

he said "nah, i had china in my hand"








(sorry, it's shit i know)

:icon_lol:

 

[fox58]

Motorway accident

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor
comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be oK, you'll walk again, but something happened. I'm trying to break
this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable
to find it."
The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be
alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will
work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.
"It's a thousand pounds an inch". The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.
So the thing is said the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many
inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the
decision."
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back
the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the fellow. "And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the bloke. "And what is it?" asks the doctor.
The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen"

 

[MHS]

 

[OldGit]

A Mormon was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne.


When the drinks trolly came round the Aussie asked for a beer.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."


The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

 

[bocadillo]

Elton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat aound the
bush. You have AIDS."

Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

Doc says "Eat one spicy sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled
carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 3 raw chilli's, 40
walnuts, 40 peanuts, all topped off with 1/2 box of All Bran cereal,
washed down with a litre of prune juice."

Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your arse is for ....

 

[bocadillo]

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding and the shoes got increasingly
tight as the day went on.That night, when the festivities
were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and
said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes, My feet are killing
me!"

Her ever obedient Prince of Wales tugged on her right shoe with
vigour, but it would not budge "Harder!" urged Camilla.

"Harder!

Charles replied, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on then! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed, "Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
"See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
"Good Lord, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man,
always a Navy man!"

 

[fcukcov]

the second one was better than the first boc

 

[MKFox]

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"