The random joke thread

[OldGit]

A guy is taken to a country pub by his mate. When they had got their drinks the mate points to a corner where someone clearly the village idiot was sitting muttering to himself. " We often have a laugh with him" he says. Go and offer him a choice from a 50p and a £1 coins. He'll take the 50p because it's bigger so he thinks its worth more"

So he goes over and shows him a 50p and a £1 and says " here you are mate, have one of these". Sure enough the man takes the 50p & giggles to himself.

"Why did you choose the 50p" he asks him

"Won't tell"

"Ah go on, I'm not a regular here. I won't tell anyone. Was it because its bigger?"

"Give me the other one as well then"

He gives him the pound, and the village idiot pulls him close and whispers into his ear "Well what would you rather have - 50p ten times every night or £1 once?"

 

[fox58]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called
Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,
"I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't
have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & lo &
behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by
his old mate.
Time passed & Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a
prawn.
He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see
his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark",came the reply.
Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he
set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again."
Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...."



"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian" :icon_redf

 

[OldGit]

Aaaaargghhhhh

 

[Matt_B]

Two old biddies hook up and go to bed for the first time. As he starts to go down on her he recoils at the terrible stench. Looking up at her he asks what the hell it is.
"It's my arthritis dear, I can't help it."
"I didn't know arthritis made you smell?"



"It does when it means you can't wipe your arse"

 

[OldGit]

Paddy asks his Mate, Murphy, "Do me a favor and go upstairs and get me slippers."


"No bother," Murphy says, and runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19-year-old daughters sitting on their beds.


"Hello dere, girls, you Da' sent me up here to shag ya both," says Paddy.


"Fook off, you liar!" exclaim the twins in unison.


"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of 'em, Paddy?"


"Of course," Paddy shouts back, "what's the use of fookin' one?"

 

[Melton Fox]

:icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[Scarby]

:icon_lol:

 

[fox58]

Batman and Superman arrange a night out on the town they were to meet at Gotham city hall at 7.30pm.

Superman arrives promtly at 7.30. but there is no sign of Batman.
8.00 still no sign.

Batman finally arrives at 8.15. Superman asks what took him so long. and
Batman explains that he was flying on his why to the meeting when he went by Catwomens house.
Catwomen was lying on her bed completly naked with her legs wide apart. Batman explains that he could not miss this opportunity and flew into the bedroom and straight on top of Catwomen.

Superman: "i bet Catwomen was suprised"
Batman: "not half as much as the Invisible man"

 

[OldGit]

C, E-flat and G entered a bar.


The bartender said, "Sorry, I don't serve minors."

 

[Melton Fox]

C, E-flat and G entered a bar.


The bartender said, "Sorry, I don't serve minors."

A cheese & onion roll walked into a bar:

The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve food"

 

[Scarby]

as a guy walked in to a pub four kegs of carling legged it out the door.

He asked the barman for a drink

barman said "sorry the beer has just run out"

(i have just made that up, i think so ill copywrite it)

 

[joe501]

(i have just made that up, i think so ill copywrite it)

I wouldnt bother.:icon_wink

 

[Scarby]

I wouldnt bother.:icon_wink

you wouldnt would you, lazy!

 

[Brauny Blue]

Osama sends George Bush a coded message to let him know he's still alive.
370HSSV-0773H.
Bush is baffled, FBI,CIA & NSA can't decipher it. They ask Britains MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies " tell the president he's holding the message upside down "

 

[Scarby]

Osama sends George Bush a coded message to let him know he's still alive.
370HSSV-0773H.
Bush is baffled, FBI,CIA & NSA can't decipher it. They ask Britains MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies " tell the president he's holding the message upside down "

:icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol:

fantastic

 

[OldGit]

Publican is woken up one night by a noise & went down. In the bar he found the ghost of a monkey, crying and holding it's tail in its hand

"What's up?" he asked

"I was the pet of the last landlord. When I died he cut off my tail to keep as a momenmto, but they won't let me into monkey heaven without it. I've been searching for years and finally found it in the cellar. Could you stick it back on for me please?"

"Sorry can't do that"

"Why not?"

"My license dosn't allow me to retail spirits after midnight"

 

[Scarby]

Publican is woken up one night by a noise & went down. In the bar he found the ghost of a monkey, crying and holding it's tail in its hand

"What's up?" he asked

"I was the pet of the last landlord. When I died he cut off my tail to keep as a momenmto, but they won't let me into monkey heaven without it. I've been searching for years and finally found it in the cellar. Could you stick it back on for me please?"

"Sorry can't do that"

"Why not?"

"My license dosn't allow me to retail spirits after midnight"

ha ha

 

[fcukcov]

Osama sends George Bush a coded message to let him know he's still alive.
370HSSV-0773H.
Bush is baffled, FBI,CIA & NSA can't decipher it. They ask Britains MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies " tell the president he's holding the message upside down "

ive hurt me feckin neck working that out!:icon_wink :icon_lol:

 

[MKFox]

as a guy walked in to a pub four kegs of carling legged it out the door.

He asked the barman for a drink

barman said "sorry the beer has just run out"

(i have just made that up, i think so ill copywrite it)

ffs, go and have a meeting with a Russian in a sushi bar......

 

[Darth Vodka]

A cheese & onion roll walked into a bar:

The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve food"

two rabbits go a bar

first rabbit: pint of lager, pint of guinness. you do food?
barman: yeah we got a toastie maker
first rabbit: cheese toastie for me, what'd you want mate
second rabbit: chees ham & pineapple toastie

next day

first rabbit: pint of lager, guinness, chese toastie. what you want bill?
second rabbit: tuna & sweetcorn toastie

next day

first rabbit: pint of lager, guinness, chese toastie. what you want bill?
second rabbit: marmite toastie

day after that, the first rabbit walks in on his own
barman: your friend not with you today sir, the other rabbit?

first rabbit: no i'm afraid he's dead
barman: oh, i'm sorry to hear that sir, what did he die of?

.
.
.
.
.
.
(wait for it)

first rabbit: mixin-me-toasties