The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
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harry_threaders
New Member
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's soiled panties.
Saint Peter looked with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's soiled panties.
Saint Peter looked with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
Willlow
Well-Known Member
:icon_lol:
pds
Active Member
whats a hindu? Lays eggs
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A bin man is doing his morning rounds loading up the dustbin van when he gets to a house that hasn't put its wheelie bin out. Since he is running a little early, he decides to do a good deed and has a look around to see if they'd left it in the back garden... but he doesn't find them. Being the kind bin man he is, he decides to save the residents a week of having rubbish stinking out their house so he goes up to the door and knocks.
No reply.
He knocks again.
No reply.
He knocks really long and hard... and finally hears footsteps running down the stairs. A little chinese man opens the door wearing only a towel and looking flustered.
Bin man: "Sorry to bother you mate but I'm collecting the rubbish... where's ya bin?"
Chinese man: "I... err... I bin... I been in the bath!"
Bin Man: "No no no - where's ya BIN?"
Chinese man: "I just say! I been in the bath!"
Bin Man: "No mate... listen... Where's... Ya... Wheelie... Bin?"
Chinese Man: "Awaite, awaite, God... I weally been having a wank!"
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got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...................
So I told her to f*ck off.
I take no responsibility for these jokes
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A bin man is doing his morning rounds loading up the dustbin van when he gets to a house that hasn't put its wheelie bin out. Since he is running a little early, he decides to do a good deed and has a look around to see if they'd left it in the back garden... but he doesn't find them. Being the kind bin man he is, he decides to save the residents a week of having rubbish stinking out their house so he goes up to the door and knocks.
No reply.
He knocks again.
No reply.
He knocks really long and hard... and finally hears footsteps running down the stairs. A little chinese man opens the door wearing only a towel and looking flustered.
Bin man: "Sorry to bother you mate but I'm collecting the rubbish... where's ya bin?"
Chinese man: "I... err... I bin... I been in the bath!"
Bin Man: "No no no - where's ya BIN?"
Chinese man: "I just say! I been in the bath!"
Bin Man: "No mate... listen... Where's... Ya... Wheelie... Bin?"
Chinese Man: "Awaite, awaite, God... I weally been having a wank!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...................
So I told her to f*ck off.
I take no responsibility for these jokes
Last edited:
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A fire broke out in the hotel next to the Walkers.
Several of the players were in the stadium shop doing a signing, and rushed out to see if they could help. They saw a young woman at a window of one of the upper floors, holding two babies. "Help! she screamed "We're trapped!"
A couple of the players ran back inside and came out with the big flag, which they stretched out, everybody holding the sides.
"Drop one of the babies" they shouted, and after some hesitation she did. They were dodging backwards and forwards trying to get underneath it, but were hopelessly out of position (they were mainly midfielders) as the baby fell, missed the flag, and smashed into the ground.
"Sorry! they shouted, "but we've got the hang of it now. Drop the other one". But she understandably refused.
Rab steps forward and pushes the others aside "This is a job for me " he said, and called up to the woman "Hey, lassie. I'm Rab, international goalie. Throw the bairn to me and he'll be safe."
The flames were now all around the woman, so in desperation she threw the baby to Rab. He was perfectly positioned, as if to catch a high ball into the area. The baby fell towards his hands and....
.....
......
......
He caught it!. Then
....
....
....
bounced it twice and kicked it over her head back into the room.
Several of the players were in the stadium shop doing a signing, and rushed out to see if they could help. They saw a young woman at a window of one of the upper floors, holding two babies. "Help! she screamed "We're trapped!"
A couple of the players ran back inside and came out with the big flag, which they stretched out, everybody holding the sides.
"Drop one of the babies" they shouted, and after some hesitation she did. They were dodging backwards and forwards trying to get underneath it, but were hopelessly out of position (they were mainly midfielders) as the baby fell, missed the flag, and smashed into the ground.
"Sorry! they shouted, "but we've got the hang of it now. Drop the other one". But she understandably refused.
Rab steps forward and pushes the others aside "This is a job for me " he said, and called up to the woman "Hey, lassie. I'm Rab, international goalie. Throw the bairn to me and he'll be safe."
The flames were now all around the woman, so in desperation she threw the baby to Rab. He was perfectly positioned, as if to catch a high ball into the area. The baby fell towards his hands and....
.....
......
......
He caught it!. Then
....
....
....
bounced it twice and kicked it over her head back into the room.
OldGit
Well-Known Member
many years ago, in the days when chivalry, romance and politeness still existed A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present. As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.
During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
Dear Maria,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many lips will kiss them during the coming years. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.
With deepest devotion
Reginald
P.S. I am told that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.
During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
Dear Maria,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many lips will kiss them during the coming years. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.
With deepest devotion
Reginald
P.S. I am told that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing
OldGit
Well-Known Member
Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way.
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
Mummy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People.
The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future.
Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his nappy is very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room.
Mummy is sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way.
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
Mummy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People.
The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future.
Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his nappy is very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room.
Mummy is sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
fosseboy83
Active Member
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Well, i never saw it", said the bat.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Well, i never saw it", said the bat.
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
Must have been blind as a.......................................
.........................................................bat....:icon_lol:
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
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