The random joke thread
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OldGit
Well-Known Member
After many years of trying, a couple were overjoyed when the wife finally became pregnant. The day of the birth came and the anxious father was waiting outside the delivery room, when the doctor came in looking very serious. "I have some upsetting news for you. The baby is fine, except that he had no torso, arms or legs.
But the father loved his son and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the pub and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the landlord shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The landlord still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild, but the landlord is clearly disapproving.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The landlord still just stands looking disapproving.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The landlord sighs and says,
"That boy should have quit while he was a head."
But the father loved his son and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the pub and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the landlord shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The landlord still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild, but the landlord is clearly disapproving.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The landlord still just stands looking disapproving.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The landlord sighs and says,
"That boy should have quit while he was a head."
bocadillo
Water Gypsy
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
:icon_bigg :icon_bigg
pds
Active Member
pds
Active Member
OldGit
Well-Known Member
This woman goes into an undertakers to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a blue suit.
He asks, Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing? But, she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him £100 to buy one.
When she came back , she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the widow ift she would mind if her husband were to be buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So....
.....I switched the heads."
He asks, Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing? But, she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him £100 to buy one.
When she came back , she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the widow ift she would mind if her husband were to be buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So....
.....I switched the heads."
drummindefender
Active Member
A Man is on his deathbed and hasn't got long to go. Suddenly he picks up the scent of the most beautiful smell-suddenly he realises it's his favourite-his wifes home made chocolate brownies.
Miraculously he some how picks up the strength to get out of bed, and begins to slowly wonder down the stairs. He starts to feel weak, but the smell drives him on towards the kitchen, until he sees them sitting on the kitchen table freshly baked. He wanders slowly and puts out his frail hand and is just about to pick one up when………
WHACK!
The man looks up and see’s his wife who says “**** off there for the funeral!”
Miraculously he some how picks up the strength to get out of bed, and begins to slowly wonder down the stairs. He starts to feel weak, but the smell drives him on towards the kitchen, until he sees them sitting on the kitchen table freshly baked. He wanders slowly and puts out his frail hand and is just about to pick one up when………
WHACK!
The man looks up and see’s his wife who says “**** off there for the funeral!”
Biff
Active Member
paddy was trying to sell his car but was having a problem because it had done 195,000 miles.
paddy- murphy im struggling to sell the car. any ideas?
murphy- turn the clock back on your speedo
a week later paddy is still driving the same car.
murphy- still not sold the car paddy?
paddy- i'm not selling the car its only done 3,000 miles !!!
paddy- murphy im struggling to sell the car. any ideas?
murphy- turn the clock back on your speedo
a week later paddy is still driving the same car.
murphy- still not sold the car paddy?
paddy- i'm not selling the car its only done 3,000 miles !!!
pds
Active Member
I quite liked DD's effort.
Last edited:
pds
Active Member
Fecking hell not Due Dilligence again, you are obsessed.
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A beggar asks a man for some change.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The beggar said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The beggar said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me?"
The beggar asked, "Why?"
The man said, "So my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The beggar said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The beggar said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me?"
The beggar asked, "Why?"
The man said, "So my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
mitcho_uk
Member
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one
night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining" he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major
argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then,
they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade
Alfred whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade
Alfred, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"IT'S FREAKIN' RAINING, OF COURSE YOU STUPID IDIOTS!!" he
screamed, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow! Why should
we believe what he says?"
The man quietly replied: "Rude Alf the Red knows rain, dear!"
night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining" he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major
argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then,
they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade
Alfred whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade
Alfred, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"IT'S FREAKIN' RAINING, OF COURSE YOU STUPID IDIOTS!!" he
screamed, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow! Why should
we believe what he says?"
The man quietly replied: "Rude Alf the Red knows rain, dear!"
mitcho_uk
Member
Prime Minister Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a Tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "that's what we would call a
great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand....In a quiet
voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a
"friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!"
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a Tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "that's what we would call a
great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand....In a quiet
voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a
"friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!"
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