Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
:icon_lol:
The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
- Status
fox58
Well-Known Member
fcukcov
Active Member
An elderly couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very old tavern where you
Leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says fondly, "I remember it well."
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers making love against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by their walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has to learn something new about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching, thinks, "This was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is."
As the couple walk past, he says to them, "Excuse me, but I was watching you and that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this that I might try?
The old man says, "No son, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence"......
Leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says fondly, "I remember it well."
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers making love against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by their walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has to learn something new about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching, thinks, "This was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is."
As the couple walk past, he says to them, "Excuse me, but I was watching you and that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this that I might try?
The old man says, "No son, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence"......
drummindefender
Active Member
i swear that ones been posted on here before-if not i've definitely heard it before
OldGit
Well-Known Member
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
This one I think has been on before BUT my mate has just sent it so here we go
While I was driving down the A40 the other day, (going a little faster than
I should have been)I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other
side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up
to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked: "Runway too
short?"
To which I replied: "I'm late for work."
To which he asked: "What do you do?"
I responded: "I'm a rectum stretcher"
The copper was surprised and confused : "A rectum stretcher, and just what
does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to
side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the
hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously : "And just what do you
do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied : "You give him a radar gun and park him behind
a bridge.."
Speeding ticket: £105.00
Penalty Points : 3
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.
While I was driving down the A40 the other day, (going a little faster than
I should have been)I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other
side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up
to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked: "Runway too
short?"
To which I replied: "I'm late for work."
To which he asked: "What do you do?"
I responded: "I'm a rectum stretcher"
The copper was surprised and confused : "A rectum stretcher, and just what
does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to
side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the
hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously : "And just what do you
do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied : "You give him a radar gun and park him behind
a bridge.."
Speeding ticket: £105.00
Penalty Points : 3
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has
been one month since my last confession.
I've had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months
since my last confession.
I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon
her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the
Altar.Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly
spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father,......................................I think its just the reflection off her shoes".
been one month since my last confession.
I've had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months
since my last confession.
I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon
her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the
Altar.Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly
spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father,......................................I think its just the reflection off her shoes".
OldGit
Well-Known Member
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
OldGit
Well-Known Member
Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the Christmas fairies. They spent most of their time practising sitting on top of the Christmas trees. There was just one rule they had to stick to... it was strictly forbidden for a fairy to kiss anyone!
The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy.
One day Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said, 'Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!'
Harry the Hare was shocked. 'Father Christmas doesn't allow it!' he gasped. 'Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight away into Goon!'
But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and whispered, 'Don't worry, we won't get caught!'
Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no-one was looking... and kissed Floella the fairy!
Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind. Through the magic of the Christmas Tree Forest Harry the Hare found himself in the court of Father Christmas!
And Father Christmas was furious! 'Harry the Hare! You have been found guilty of kissing a forest fairy! Have you anything to say?'
'I never meant to!' Harry the Hare snivelled. 'If you let me off I promise I'll never do it again... just please, please!!! PLEASE!!! don't turn me into a Goon!'
Father Christmas took pity on the pathetic creature and said, 'I'll give you one more chance...just one more!'
Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!! of wind. Harry the Hare found himself back in the forest. And there, combing her hair on a toadstool was Floella the Fairy.
'Hiya, handsome,' she whispered. 'Give us a kiss!'
Harry the Hare was horrified! Certainly not!' he cried. But when she tickled his ears his legs turned to jelly and he started to tremble.
'Oooh! No! I'll be turned into a Goon!
'For one little kiss from me it's worth it!' Floella murmured.
And Harry the Hare gave in. He kissed the fairy.
Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind. Once again Harry the Hare found himself in front of the furious Father Christmas!
'You fooish hare!' Father Christmas roared. 'You have had your chance! Guards! Take him away - turn him into a Goon tomorrow!'
Harry the Hare hung his head and let himself be led away. As he reached the door of the court he turned to all the gnomes and forest creatures and said tearfully...
'Ah, well, that's life! Hare today...and Goon tomorrow!'
The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy.
One day Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said, 'Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!'
Harry the Hare was shocked. 'Father Christmas doesn't allow it!' he gasped. 'Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight away into Goon!'
But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and whispered, 'Don't worry, we won't get caught!'
Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no-one was looking... and kissed Floella the fairy!
Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind. Through the magic of the Christmas Tree Forest Harry the Hare found himself in the court of Father Christmas!
And Father Christmas was furious! 'Harry the Hare! You have been found guilty of kissing a forest fairy! Have you anything to say?'
'I never meant to!' Harry the Hare snivelled. 'If you let me off I promise I'll never do it again... just please, please!!! PLEASE!!! don't turn me into a Goon!'
Father Christmas took pity on the pathetic creature and said, 'I'll give you one more chance...just one more!'
Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!! of wind. Harry the Hare found himself back in the forest. And there, combing her hair on a toadstool was Floella the Fairy.
'Hiya, handsome,' she whispered. 'Give us a kiss!'
Harry the Hare was horrified! Certainly not!' he cried. But when she tickled his ears his legs turned to jelly and he started to tremble.
'Oooh! No! I'll be turned into a Goon!
'For one little kiss from me it's worth it!' Floella murmured.
And Harry the Hare gave in. He kissed the fairy.
Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind. Once again Harry the Hare found himself in front of the furious Father Christmas!
'You fooish hare!' Father Christmas roared. 'You have had your chance! Guards! Take him away - turn him into a Goon tomorrow!'
Harry the Hare hung his head and let himself be led away. As he reached the door of the court he turned to all the gnomes and forest creatures and said tearfully...
'Ah, well, that's life! Hare today...and Goon tomorrow!'
OldGit
Well-Known Member
One Christmas Eve, when all the presents had been wrapped, there were just three pieces of string left.
'You know, we'll probably just be thrown on the fire,' String No.1 said.
'Or in the bin!' String No 2 moaned.
'We can't have that!' String No 3 cried.
'So what can we do?' the other two pieces asked.
'Let's go out for a meal!' String No 3 suggested.
And off they went down to the 'Greasy Penguin Cafe. It was packed with Christmas revellers. String No 1 said, 'Right, lads, what'll we eat?'
'I'd like some tomato soup,' said String No 2.
'And how about stuffed turkey to follow...and we could have Christmas pudding for afters,' said String No 3.
String No 1 went to the counter and said, 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, my good man!'
The waiter took one look at him and said, 'push off, shorty. I don't serve pieces of string....and you're just a piece of string!'
String No 1 went back to the others. 'He refused to serve me!'
String No 2 asked, 'Did you say 'please'?'
'No' admitted String No 1.
'Then let me try!'
String No 2 went to the bar and said, 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, please.'
But the waiter replied, 'push off, shorty. I don't serve pieces of string.....and you're just a piece of string!'
String No 2 went back to the others to report his failure. 'Here, lads, let me try,' String No 3 offered. But, before he went to the bar he tied a knot in the top of his head and fluffed the end out till he looked like a piece of punk string.
He went up to the bar. 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, please!'
The waiter looked at him and sighed. 'Push off shorty. I don't serve pieces of string....and you're just a piece of string!'
And string no 3 replied .......
'No. I'm a frayed knot!'
'You know, we'll probably just be thrown on the fire,' String No.1 said.
'Or in the bin!' String No 2 moaned.
'We can't have that!' String No 3 cried.
'So what can we do?' the other two pieces asked.
'Let's go out for a meal!' String No 3 suggested.
And off they went down to the 'Greasy Penguin Cafe. It was packed with Christmas revellers. String No 1 said, 'Right, lads, what'll we eat?'
'I'd like some tomato soup,' said String No 2.
'And how about stuffed turkey to follow...and we could have Christmas pudding for afters,' said String No 3.
String No 1 went to the counter and said, 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, my good man!'
The waiter took one look at him and said, 'push off, shorty. I don't serve pieces of string....and you're just a piece of string!'
String No 1 went back to the others. 'He refused to serve me!'
String No 2 asked, 'Did you say 'please'?'
'No' admitted String No 1.
'Then let me try!'
String No 2 went to the bar and said, 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, please.'
But the waiter replied, 'push off, shorty. I don't serve pieces of string.....and you're just a piece of string!'
String No 2 went back to the others to report his failure. 'Here, lads, let me try,' String No 3 offered. But, before he went to the bar he tied a knot in the top of his head and fluffed the end out till he looked like a piece of punk string.
He went up to the bar. 'Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, please!'
The waiter looked at him and sighed. 'Push off shorty. I don't serve pieces of string....and you're just a piece of string!'
And string no 3 replied .......
'No. I'm a frayed knot!'
lazzer
Moderator
a travelling salesman was not having much luck selling his books about memory improvment. he decides to try his luck at the red indian reservation.he rides into camp and is met by two braves he asks to see the chief .they take him to the chiefs wig wam he goes in and informs the chief about his range of books on memory improvement.the replies " i am from sioux nation i remember everything since the day i was born"
ok replies the salesman "what did you have for breakfast twenty years ago to this day" the chief pauses then replies
"eggs"
the salesman is impressed and realises he is wasting his time so he leaves and goes on his way.he ditches the books and becomes an internet webmaster thus becomimg very rich.
40 years later he is on his way to a webmasters convention and he is passing the reservation.he wonders if the old chief is still alive he decides to pay him a visit. he enters the wig wam and to impress him he decides to use the indian lingo
"how" said the salesman
"scrambled" replies the chief
ok replies the salesman "what did you have for breakfast twenty years ago to this day" the chief pauses then replies
"eggs"
the salesman is impressed and realises he is wasting his time so he leaves and goes on his way.he ditches the books and becomes an internet webmaster thus becomimg very rich.
40 years later he is on his way to a webmasters convention and he is passing the reservation.he wonders if the old chief is still alive he decides to pay him a visit. he enters the wig wam and to impress him he decides to use the indian lingo
"how" said the salesman
"scrambled" replies the chief
Nottingham Fox
Moderator
stoneparkfoxs
New Member
jesus!!:icon_roll
Nottingham Fox
Moderator
How long before it gets deleted? :icon_roll
Lasted about 4 minutes
highland fox
New Member
May as well leave it at least it won't keep being repeated,I think thats the third time its been posted.
Durham Fox
El Dude Brother.
- Status
| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Manchester C | 5 | 13 |
| 2 | Liverpool | 5 | 12 |
| 3 | Aston Villa | 5 | 12 |
| 4 | Arsenal | 5 | 11 |
| 5 | Chelsea | 5 | 10 |
| 6 | Newcastle | 5 | 10 |
| 7 | Brighton | 5 | 9 |
| 8 | Nottm F | 5 | 9 |
| 9 | Fulham | 5 | 8 |
| 10 | Tottenham | 5 | 7 |
| 11 | Manchester U | 5 | 7 |
| 12 | Brentford | 5 | 6 |
| 13 | Bournemouth | 5 | 5 |
| 14 | West Ham | 5 | 4 |
| 15 | Leicester | 5 | 3 |
| 16 | Palace | 5 | 3 |
| 17 | Ipswich | 5 | 3 |
| 18 | Southampton | 5 | 1 |
| 19 | Everton | 5 | 1 |
| 20 | Wolves | 5 | 1 |
