The random joke thread

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Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.

"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked.

"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly.

"Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"

"Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you."
 
A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her flat and tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes his drink, the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.

"I am your sex slave!" she purrs "I will do absolutely anything you desire."

The guy can't believe his luck. "Hmm," he says with a wide grin, "I really fancy a 69."

"**** off!" replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night."
 
read that joke somewhere before

10%20Commandments.jpg
 
What's the difference from Saddam Hussein and a Tampon?

One is a string hanging from a cnut and the other is a cnut hanging from a string.
 
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
 
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
 
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."








"...I've quit drinking!"
 
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A Prayer from Rev Melton

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today, because they pissed me off.

And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work:

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday

And most importantly, please help me to remember:

When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown, yet only 4 muscles to extend my arm and smack the asshole in the mouth!
 
OldGit said:
A Prayer from Rev Melton

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today, because they pissed me off.

And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work:

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday

And most importantly, please help me to remember:

When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown, yet only 4 muscles to extend my arm and smack the asshole in the mouth!
Click to expand...
amen
 
A woman in her late fifties visits the well-woman clinic and later that night her husband finds her happily jumping around unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight.

He watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 59-year old arse?"

"Your name never came up," she replied
 
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, "I want to have my way with you right now! I'll drop £500 on the ground at your feet, and in the time it takes you to pick it up, I will take you from behind and be on my way."

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her mobile and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said, "Well, when he drops the £500 on the ground, I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour later, the woman called her girlfriend back.

"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The woman replied, "The Son-Of-A-Bitch had £500 in 20p pieces!"
 
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