Wiping My Own Arse

[Melton Fox]

Help needed.

I have been given a promotional voucher for some toilet roll.

Which type shall I get, and which brand will offer the best value for money on a long term basis. I am already aware of the colour options, I'm not ****ing stupid.

Is it better to get quilted or multi ply?. What type will also get the best resell value?

Any recommendations on the best place to purchase would also be very welcome.

I really do need help in wiping my own arse, so please help me. Should I get succesful answers that enable me to wipe my own arse, then I have some further questions about day to day breathing techniques, but this can wait.

One last thing, should I fold or crumple prior to wiping?

 

[Trifull]

It all depends on what type of shit you do. If you have solid stools then quilted is the way to go, but, if you're a bit on the looser side then quilted just spreads it into your undergrowth. Avoid that horrible paper stuff you get in public toilets, complete waste of time.
I tend to find the sun is no longer as good as it used to be as they seem to have changed the ink they use. The times isn't to bad as you get to shit on plenty of politicians though :icon_bigg
Also, try to avoid any thing with sharp edges

Go for standard A*d*ex.

 

[homer]

Use a bidet, you ****ing peasant

 

[H T B]

Don't use Izal, that's like tracing paper, spreads it all over the ****ing place. No wonder old people stink of piss (and other smelly stuff) if they still use this crap (pun)

Recycled toilet paper, what the feck is that all about?

 

[Chuck T Masala]

Don't use Izal, that's like tracing paper, spreads it all over the ****ing place. No wonder old people stink of piss (and other smelly stuff) if they still use this crap (pun)

Recycled toilet paper, what the feck is that all about?

I nearly put my shoulder out using Izal, fecking shiny side up, ought to carry carry a health warning.

 

[Beliall]

Use a bidet, you ****ing peasant

 

[Trifull]

Use a bidet, you ****ing peasant

The closest us peasants get to a bidet is splash back, you snob :icon_bigg

 

[spionfox]

I nearly put my shoulder out using Izal, fecking shiny side up, ought to carry carry a health warning.

You owe me a new keyboard Chuck!

 

[Biff]

You could always hire them two girls off the video :icon_lol:

 

[Lako42]

Melts i think i may be able to help in a big way here.

I understand you have vouchers, the resell prices on these babies may well be higher than the toilet paper you purchase with them, so i would actually sell the vouchers and avoid the toilet paper fiasco completely.

However, do not worry, you will not be left with nothing to wipe your arse with, and i dont mean the crisp note you recieve with the queens head on it for the vouchers you exchanged.

All humans, or most (sorry jeremy) are born with perfectly good natural spade type devices (hands) What i tend to do is simply form a trowel shape with my hands and place my hand right under the ball sack and all the way up just passed the bum hole, when you reach this checkpoint press your trowel like hand into the crack and proceed to drag your hand all the way back up towards your ball sack, just lifting up and away as you approach it, repeat 3 or 4 times and you should be left with shit all over the hand in question, simply rinse (cold water is fine) and bobs your uncle, a cleaner crack than you would ever have imagined.

It is simple and can be done anywhere at any time due to the lack of requirement for commercial product. You will never be caught short and if theres no water arround just give it a rinse when you get home.

 

[Chuck T Masala]

You owe me a new keyboard Chuck!

Soz!:icon_bigg