The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
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Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
A fellow was driving past the grounds of Greystone Hospital (mental institution) one evening alone when he realised he'd got a flat tyre. In changing his tyre he put the lug nuts in a hubcap to keep them together. Just as he was getting the spare from the trunk a car came along and caught the edge of the hub cap sending it and the lugnuts flying in the nearby field. The guy looks all over for the lugnuts but can only find the hubcap. He gets more and more frantic as the sun begins to get lower in the sky.
Watching this scene was a hosptial patient on the otherside of the fence surrounding the hospital grounds. Getting the fellow's attention and hearing him tell his tale of woe, the patient says, "why don't you just take one lugnut from each of the other three wheels and put the spare on with them? There is a garage about 8 miles down the road , you can drive there and they can set you up with the lugnuts you need."
Astonded at the ingenuity of this solution the fellow says "Hey that is brillant! What's fellow like you doing in a place like Greystone?"
"I may be crazy but am not stupid!" Replied the patient.
Watching this scene was a hosptial patient on the otherside of the fence surrounding the hospital grounds. Getting the fellow's attention and hearing him tell his tale of woe, the patient says, "why don't you just take one lugnut from each of the other three wheels and put the spare on with them? There is a garage about 8 miles down the road , you can drive there and they can set you up with the lugnuts you need."
Astonded at the ingenuity of this solution the fellow says "Hey that is brillant! What's fellow like you doing in a place like Greystone?"
"I may be crazy but am not stupid!" Replied the patient.
GazLCFC
Active Member
I read it twice to see if I was missing something. It's not even a joke surely.
Macky
Gruntled Member
I reckon it's a two-parter Gaz, he'll probably be back tomorrow to give us the second part.
FryattFox
Well-Known Member
The characters sound like ****s.
RotherhamFox93
New Member
When Muamba woke up someone mentioned to him that Torres has scored twice. **** me! he says, how many years was I unconscious?
I was in the pub on Sat night and noticed 2 large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so i said 'hi, are you 2 girls from Scotland?' One of them chirped 'it's WALES you idiot!!' So i immediately apologised and said 'Sorry, are you 2 Whales from Scotland?' Then it all kicked off!
I was in the pub on Sat night and noticed 2 large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so i said 'hi, are you 2 girls from Scotland?' One of them chirped 'it's WALES you idiot!!' So i immediately apologised and said 'Sorry, are you 2 Whales from Scotland?' Then it all kicked off!
Last edited:
lazzer
Moderator
Macky
Gruntled Member
You see, it's quite funny when you find out the punchline :icon_razz
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
Yeah I must admit I like that ending. I will try another one later and see who can finish that one off.
spionfox
Well-Known Member
As a reversal of that, when I was a lot younger, we always used to have a contest whereby somebody gave a punchline and the others had to provide the joke which used that punchline.
It always helped if the participants had drunk a few too many.......
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
£1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the £32,000 milestone
money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-pound question
was no pushover.
It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She knew nothing about birds and did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it,
mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to
be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave
her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C:
The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her
friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that
would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had
responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could
not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said the host.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Yes, that is my final answer." replied the contestant.
Thirty seconds later, Eddie said, "I regret to inform you, but that answer
is......... absolutely correct You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
-- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness
with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your
choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde.
"Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
£1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the £32,000 milestone
money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-pound question
was no pushover.
It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She knew nothing about birds and did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it,
mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to
be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave
her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C:
The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her
friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that
would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had
responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could
not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said the host.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Yes, that is my final answer." replied the contestant.
Thirty seconds later, Eddie said, "I regret to inform you, but that answer
is......... absolutely correct You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends
-- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness
with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your
choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde.
"Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Blue Maniac
Alzheimers sufferer
A few questions MoFo.
1. Has she won a million pounds or a million dollars? I'm confused and a little concerned about this. In fact:
1(a). Has she been cheated?
2. Why is the blonde suddenly referred to as Jenny at one point?
3. Why is Jenny blonde?
4. Who the **** is Eddie?
1. Has she won a million pounds or a million dollars? I'm confused and a little concerned about this. In fact:
1(a). Has she been cheated?
2. Why is the blonde suddenly referred to as Jenny at one point?
3. Why is Jenny blonde?
4. Who the **** is Eddie?
Cate Fox
Well-Known Member
5. Why have I just wasted time reading it?
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
Looking over a farmyard wall I saw a huge pig with a wooden leg. Intrigued I sought out the farmer and said "I have just seen your pig with a wooden leg, it must mean a lot to you to have gone to the lengths of fitting it with an artificial limb".
"Oh yes" said the farmer, "it's a special pig. A few months ago my son fell into the pond and that pig dived straight in and pulled him out with its teeth".
"Well" said I "that really is something".
"That's not all" said the farmer "a month ago the house caught fire and that pig grunted real loud to wake us up, barged the door down and ran upstairs. My daughter was unconscious from the smoke and he grabbed her nightdress with his teeth and dragged her out. Saved us all did that pig".
"That really is marvellous" I said.
"Oh there's more" said the farmer, "two weeks ago my herd of sheep got out and strayed onto the main road. That pig rushed out and rounded them up like a sheep dog, brought them home and saved the flock, it really is a superb pig".
"That really is amazing" I said "but why has it got a wooden leg"?
"Oh well", said the farmer "when you've a pig like that you can't eat it all at once"
"Oh yes" said the farmer, "it's a special pig. A few months ago my son fell into the pond and that pig dived straight in and pulled him out with its teeth".
"Well" said I "that really is something".
"That's not all" said the farmer "a month ago the house caught fire and that pig grunted real loud to wake us up, barged the door down and ran upstairs. My daughter was unconscious from the smoke and he grabbed her nightdress with his teeth and dragged her out. Saved us all did that pig".
"That really is marvellous" I said.
"Oh there's more" said the farmer, "two weeks ago my herd of sheep got out and strayed onto the main road. That pig rushed out and rounded them up like a sheep dog, brought them home and saved the flock, it really is a superb pig".
"That really is amazing" I said "but why has it got a wooden leg"?
"Oh well", said the farmer "when you've a pig like that you can't eat it all at once"
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| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Leicester | 44 | 94 |
| 2 | Leeds Utd | 45 | 90 |
| 3 | Ipswich | 44 | 90 |
| 4 | Southampton | 45 | 84 |
| 5 | Norwich City | 45 | 73 |
| 6 | West Brom | 45 | 72 |
| 7 | Hull City | 45 | 70 |
| 8 | Middlesbro | 45 | 66 |
| 9 | Coventry City | 44 | 64 |
| 10 | Preston | 44 | 63 |
| 11 | Bristol City | 45 | 62 |
| 12 | Cardiff City | 45 | 62 |
| 13 | Swansea City | 45 | 57 |
| 14 | Watford | 45 | 56 |
| 15 | Sunderland | 45 | 56 |
| 16 | Millwall | 45 | 56 |
| 17 | QPR | 45 | 53 |
| 18 | Stoke City | 45 | 53 |
| 19 | Blackburn | 45 | 50 |
| 20 | Sheffield W | 45 | 50 |
| 21 | Plymouth | 45 | 48 |
| 22 | Birmingham | 45 | 47 |
| 23 | Huddersfield | 45 | 45 |
| 24 | Rotherham Utd | 45 | 24 |
