The random joke thread

[SJN-Fox]

So Capello has walked out on England. That makes him the second Italian to desert a sinking ship in the last month.

 

[SJN-Fox]

I'm in the dog house with the Mrs, she said "if you turn off the lamp I'll take it up the arse"

Maybe I should have waited till the bulb cooled.

 

[SJN-Fox]

A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and shouts out "I'm the hardest bastard in here!"
The barman says "Calm down mate, of course you are, you're a piece of tarmac!"

Then a piece of red tarmac walks in and says "I'll fight any ****er in here. Who wants a beating?"

The black tarmac never moves and doesn't say a thing.

The barman says to the black tarmac "Why didn't you say anything, I thought you wanted a fight?"

The black tarmac replies "I'm not messing with that ****er, he's a ****ing cyclepath!"

 

[LCFC'sGodWears9]

Following Fabio Capello's resignation, Sky Sports have asked Harry Redknapp if he's interested in the Euros.

He replied 'Yes, keep it quiet and leave them in the dogs bowl'

 

[Longcliffe]

Whitney Houston to star in her new film. The Bodybag.

 

[Longcliffe]

God give us back Whitney you can take Ken Bates

 

[Blaby blue blood]

Following the death of Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown has also been found dead with a note saying 'Two can play that game'.

 

[MKFox]

[h=6]Walked past the fridge last night and I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song.
So I looked in and found it was just the chives talking...
[/h]

 

[The Major]

I don't eat Pro-active Yoghurt;


I don't dabble in the yakult.

 

[alex]

[h=6]Walked past the fridge last night and I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song.
So I looked in and found it was just the chives talking...
[/h]

Incredible.

 

[Motown Fox]

As a result of their forced eviction from Dale Farm, a large number of travellers have been offered an alternative site in the Ibrox car park. Furious at the thought of dirty, thieving, in-bred, illiterate tax dodging b*****ds living right on their doorstep, the travellers have opted to turn the offer down..

 

[MKFox]

A pound was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox yesterday. Police are investigating whether it was missile or a takeover bid.

 

[Darth Vodka]

As a result of their forced eviction from Dale Farm, a large number of travellers have been offered an alternative site in the Ibrox car park. Furious at the thought of dirty, thieving, in-bred, illiterate tax dodging b*****ds living right on their doorstep, the travellers have opted to turn the offer down..

ah, the old Two Ronnies' joke format

 

[Motown Fox]

Yeah I used to love the News headlines that they did.

Ronnie Corbett: Good evening! It's wonderful to be back with you again, isn't it, Ronnie?
Ronnie Barker: Indeed it is. And in a packed programme tonight, I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for meditation, because he thinks it's better than sitting around doing nothing.
Ronnie Corbett: And we'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame.
Ronnie Barker: And we had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon, he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion. But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister's question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.
Ronnie Corbett: West Mersea police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.
Ronnie Barker: Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred "Chuckles" Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.
Ronnie Corbett: There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.
Ronnie Barker: The search for the man who terrorizes nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.

Ronnie Barker: We interrupt this news for a special bulletin: The Metropolitan Police today denied that prisoners in their custody are excessively pampered. This follows yesterday's report that a man was hustled out of New Scotland Yard with an electric blanket over his head.
Ronnie Corbett: And we've just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.
Ronnie Barker: Following the dispute with the domestic servants' union at Buckingham Palace today, the queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloak room and vacuumed the lounge.
Ronnie Corbett: After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.
Ronnie Barker: The perfect crime was committed last night, when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets. Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on.
Ronnie Corbett: And we've just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned. And now, back to our regular programme.

 

[Chuck T Masala]

2R Fave. The golden age of steam returned to Kings Cross station earlier today when the tea machine blew up.

 

[The Major]

Another from the 2Rs,I'm doing this from memory so it might not be exact;

"the worlds foremost expert in diseases of elephants tails was buried today, he was then dug out and he carried on with his work."

 

[RotherhamFox93]

"A little boy said to his mother; 'Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?' His mother replied, 'Don't even go there Barack! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!'

The joke? is courtesy of Chief U.S. District Judge Richard Cebull

 

[Motown Fox]

If you go down to Ibrox today, you're sure of a big surprise .
If you go down to Ibrox today you'll never believe your eyes
Cuz super ally has no cash , soon no place to sing the sash
Todays the day the teddy bears have their pitch nicked!

 

[Mawsley]

 

[Darth Vodka]

View attachment 9147

like