The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
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OldGit
Well-Known Member
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken in to his house the night before.
"You will get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"NO, no, no!", said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
"You will get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"NO, no, no!", said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
drummindefender
Active Member
doctor doctor i've feel like i'm a cowboy
how longs this been going on?
about a YEEEEEEEEEHA
how longs this been going on?
about a YEEEEEEEEEHA
fosseboy83
Active Member
OldGit said:
:icon_lol: my old dear will like that, the old spud muncher
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
fosseboy83 said:
fosseboy83
Active Member
Melton Fox said:
MKFox
New Member
This guy pulls up in his customized Transit van, parks, walks into a singles bar. A while later he comes out with this voluptuous woman. They drive up to the woods, park the van and climb into the back. After some preliminary foolin' around, the young lady says: "Go break the aerial off your van and bring it back and whip me with it."
At first, the guy refuses. But eventually he gives in to her pleading and goes and breaks the aerial off. He comes back and proceeds to whip her with it. She moans and groans, and writhes and wriggles and has multiple earth shattering . . . She rests for a while then says: "Now I'll whip you with it."
At first, he refuses, but soon gives in to her cooing and pleading. She grabs the aerial and slaps him with it while she moans and groans, and writhes and wriggles and has yet another series of earth shattering . . . while raising a few welts on this dude.
This 'ol boy is about tuckered out for one night, so he takes the bombshell home. When he wakes up the next morning, he don't feel too good. Then, for the next couple of days, he feels really bad. Finally, he's feeling sooooo bad that he checks into a hospital. The doctor comes in, pulls back the sheet, shakes his head, and says: "Young man, you should have seen a physician immediately."
The doctor then turns to the nurse and declares:
"That's the worst case of van aerial disease I've seen in years."
sorry...
At first, the guy refuses. But eventually he gives in to her pleading and goes and breaks the aerial off. He comes back and proceeds to whip her with it. She moans and groans, and writhes and wriggles and has multiple earth shattering . . . She rests for a while then says: "Now I'll whip you with it."
At first, he refuses, but soon gives in to her cooing and pleading. She grabs the aerial and slaps him with it while she moans and groans, and writhes and wriggles and has yet another series of earth shattering . . . while raising a few welts on this dude.
This 'ol boy is about tuckered out for one night, so he takes the bombshell home. When he wakes up the next morning, he don't feel too good. Then, for the next couple of days, he feels really bad. Finally, he's feeling sooooo bad that he checks into a hospital. The doctor comes in, pulls back the sheet, shakes his head, and says: "Young man, you should have seen a physician immediately."
The doctor then turns to the nurse and declares:
"That's the worst case of van aerial disease I've seen in years."
sorry...
OldGit
Well-Known Member
Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "Theez eez indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next-door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would zat be, Paddy?" asks Chirac.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" exclaims Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners".
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "Theez eez indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next-door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would zat be, Paddy?" asks Chirac.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" exclaims Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners".
Jari Rantanen's Shorts
New Member
fcukcov said:
Would have been better if he'd have gone for the conventional spelling of shitzu....
Chuit zu??? WTF? It isn't even close to the official 'Shih Tzu'.
Must try harder.
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