The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
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Chuck T Masala
New Member
Mo a Jewish bloke is walking by the canal and see's a dog fall in and struggle to stay afloat. He dives in and pulls the dog out, its stopped breathing so he administers CPR and eventually the dog recovers and licks his saviours hand in genuine appreciation.
Just the the dogs owner arrives breathless, Oh my god that was amazing, you saved my dog's life... are you a vet?
Mo replys "AM I A VET, A VET YOU SAY, I AM COMPLETELY SOAKED YOU FOOL:icon_eek:
That should get the crapometer surging.
Just the the dogs owner arrives breathless, Oh my god that was amazing, you saved my dog's life... are you a vet?
Mo replys "AM I A VET, A VET YOU SAY, I AM COMPLETELY SOAKED YOU FOOL:icon_eek:
That should get the crapometer surging.
OldGit
Well-Known Member
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
lazzer
Moderator
MKFox said:
i should think so :icon_roll
20-09-2005, 02:17 PM Re: Obscure Channel 4 Films
sex in car crashes sounds a bit weird although i know a bloke who had a fetish about car exhausts he used to go round car parks sticking his todger in them then he moved onto articulated lorries he actually got caught once and scarred his face from an ariel on a ford transit as he ran away..................... he ended up with the van ariel disease and later became HGV positive
Last edited:
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A woman sitting in a Sydney restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became cleart she was in real distress, and two locals, Kev and Bruce sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swaller? Asked Kev . The woman desperately shook her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Bruce The woman shook her head even more frantically
With that, Kev walked behind her, pulled up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her bottom.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kev swaggered back to his table and. Bruce said "Ya know Kev, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen anybody do it."
Kin ya swaller? Asked Kev . The woman desperately shook her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Bruce The woman shook her head even more frantically
With that, Kev walked behind her, pulled up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her bottom.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kev swaggered back to his table and. Bruce said "Ya know Kev, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen anybody do it."
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A man's out drinking after work & eds up staying until the bar closes at midnight, by which time he is extremely drunk.
He staggers home &, as he doesn't want to wake anyone, he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Just as he gets to the landing, he falls over backwards. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his backside terribly, but, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
As he was undressing in the bathroom however, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, Seeing the cuts he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his backside was hurting, and he was lying there trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you were really bladdered last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers be buggered" she replied. "You got totally ratted last night"
"Whatever gives you that idea?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the bathroom mirror."
He staggers home &, as he doesn't want to wake anyone, he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Just as he gets to the landing, he falls over backwards. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his backside terribly, but, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
As he was undressing in the bathroom however, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, Seeing the cuts he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his backside was hurting, and he was lying there trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you were really bladdered last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers be buggered" she replied. "You got totally ratted last night"
"Whatever gives you that idea?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the bathroom mirror."
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A fleeing al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely bar. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely bar. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A Talking Balls member, in Germany for the world cup, visits Hamelin and while he's looking round the old town walks into an antique shop where he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so well-crafted that he decides he must have it.
He tasks the owner "How much for the bronze rat?" The owner replies, "€20 for the rat and €100 for the story".
The tourist gives the man €20 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the back-alleys and sewers and begun following him. He feels a bit uneasy, and he begins walking faster.
But within a few minutes, the crowd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, then thousands all coming toward him faster and faster. Then he sees a river, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can.
Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jump into the river after it and are all drowned.
The man walks back to the shop. "So" says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Forest fan, or failing that anything French."
He tasks the owner "How much for the bronze rat?" The owner replies, "€20 for the rat and €100 for the story".
The tourist gives the man €20 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the back-alleys and sewers and begun following him. He feels a bit uneasy, and he begins walking faster.
But within a few minutes, the crowd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, then thousands all coming toward him faster and faster. Then he sees a river, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can.
Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jump into the river after it and are all drowned.
The man walks back to the shop. "So" says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Forest fan, or failing that anything French."
OldGit
Well-Known Member
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
I don't know why I chuckled at that, is it wrong to?
No.6 Muzzy Izzet...
Active Member
An Army General was finally given leave of his duties from abroad after a number of years and decided not tell the wife so he could surprise her when he turned up. He was particularly excited about seeing his 4 year old daughter who he had not seen since she was a baby. As entered his hometown he decided best to give her a quick ring to fool around.
The phone rings and the wee girl answers: "Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mummy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!"
"Oh Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and
Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went
flying out the front window and now she's dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared
and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ... but he
must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it,
so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"
The phone rings and the wee girl answers: "Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mummy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!"
"Oh Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and
Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went
flying out the front window and now she's dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared
and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ... but he
must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it,
so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"
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