The random joke thread

[Feriol]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man getsup from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in thekitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of icecream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'

 

[Feriol]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to geta physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

[fcukcov]

Bought a teddy bear this morning for £10 named it mohammed and sold it fot £20.



Is that a prophet??

 

[Singth]

Stolen from FHM:

What did Princess Diana turn into at midnight?
















A wall.

 

[OldGit]

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.


"I don't want to know," said his son, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."


Confused, the father asked what was wrong.


The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I go the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. Now, if you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

 

[SJN-Fox]

One day a 10 year old boy was walking down the road when a car pulled up beside him.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" the driver said.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

"How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.

"No way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy

"OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long
sigh.......

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."

 

[G F P]

Just bought a liverpudian advent calender.

All the chocolates have been nicked and half the windows are boarded up.

 

[Scarby]

One day a 10 year old boy was walking down the road when a car pulled up beside him.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" the driver said.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

"How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.

"No way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy

"OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long
sigh.......

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."

 

[Naughty Fox]

What's the fatty tissue around the clitoris called?






















The Wife!

 

[mowbray-fox]

theres a man with no arms and no legs, lying on the beach.
a woman comes up to him and says 'awww you poor thing howd'you lose your arms and legs?'
'i was born without them' he responds
'awww i bet you've never been hugged have you'
'no' he says
she hugs him
'and i bet youve never been kissed have you?'
'no' he responds again
she kisses him
'and i tell you what, i bet youve never been fecked before have you?
this time he just shakes his head nervously, trying not to get too excited,
the woman turns to him and says ' well you are now, the tides coming in!!!

 

[mowbray-fox]

One day a 10 year old boy was walking down the road when a car pulled up beside him.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" the driver said.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

"How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.

"No way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy

"OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long
sigh.......

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."

very funny :icon_wink

 

[bocadillo]

theres a man with no arms and no legs, lying on the beach.
a woman comes up to him and says 'awww you poor thing howd'you lose your arms and legs?'
'i was born without them' he responds
'awww i bet you've never been hugged have you'
'no' he says
she hugs him
'and i bet youve never been kissed have you?'
'no' he responds again
she kisses him
'and i tell you what, i bet youve never been fecked before have you?
this time he just shakes his head nervously, trying not to get too excited,
the woman turns to him and says ' well you are now, the tides coming in!!!

She was quite shocked by his attitude and implored him to help her.

"Please rescue me", she said.

Siezing the opportunity, he quickly asked, "What's in it for me if I do?".

"Sand", she replied.

 

[spionfox]

She was quite shocked by his attitude and implored him to help her.

"Please rescue me", she said.

Siezing the opportunity, he quickly asked, "What's in it for me if I do?".

"Sand", she replied.

Obviously just me!

 

[bocadillo]

Obviously just me!

The clues are there.

 

[spionfox]

The clues are there.

Yeah, but this is me at 11:25pm after a few too many whiskeys. The lights are on but there's no one at home!

 

[Motown Fox]

Two men who work in a railway junction-box are switching shifts, as one goes
up the metal steps, the other comes down and they meet half way.

"Hey Ron, you should have been here last night, man, it was great. I noticed
something down on the railway track and when I went to check, it was a beautiful
naked woman tied to the track. I untied her and man, I'm still trying to
convince myself it happened. We went into the junction-box, I put on some
soft music, poured us a glass of wine and before I knew it we had wild sex
in every position, it was amazing."

"Wow, you lucky bastard, did you get a blow job?"










"No...............

I couldn't find her head."

 

[Melton Fox]

"No...............

I couldn't find her head."

:icon_razz

 

[Motown Fox]

A festive one that I think may have been on last Christmas BUT what the heck here we go.....................

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little Angel with a great big Christmas Tree.
The Angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to put it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little Angel on top of the Christmas Tree.

 

[Scarby]

 

[fosseboy83]

I was depressed last night so I called the Suicide Life Line.
I reached a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck