The random joke thread

[londonfox]

There are 2 very unhappy dogs, a collie and a spaniel, in a vet’s office.
'So why are you here then?', the collie says to the spaniel.
"I'm here because I piss all over the house and my master is annoyed with me, he's gonna put me to sleep. 'Is he?!' he replies, 'I'm heading the same way too, I keep crapping in his shoes'.

Both dogs lie there depressed about their fate. Suddenly a big German shepherd dog comes in and stands next to them. One of the dogs asks, 'so why are you here?'. 'Well, my mistress was taking a shower and when she got out and bent over to pick up her towel, well, I just couldn't help myself… so I mounted her'. 'You didn't!, Really!' said the other ones, 'I guess your going to say bye bye after that now too'… 'Oh no!' says the German sheperd'… 'I'm just here to get my nails trimmed'.

 

[The Major]

There were a crowd of people stoning an adulteress in old Jerusalem when Jesus approached, put his hand in the air and said "Stop! Let those who are without sin cast the first stone."

Just then a brickend comes hurtling out of the crowd and hits the adulteress on the head killing her.

Jesus said "Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."

 

[Boy Genius]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her
shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

" I found the remote," he mumbled.

 

[fcukcov]

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w-anking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a d!ck like that."

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about 5ex at that age."
"Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t." J J J

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

 

[FIF]

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w-anking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t." J J J

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

 

[MKFox]

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w-anking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

 

[bocadillo]

Can cold cater clean dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks who worry about using cold water
to clean.

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of Saskatchewan ......


After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather
prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast the next morning.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate and questioned his
grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"?

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just
you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the
plates, as it appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like
dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't
want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town, and as he was
leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."


Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on
TV, the old man shouted. "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"

 

[Motown Fox]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?' 'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off. 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

 

[fcukcov]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

 

[FIF]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

:icon_lol:

 

[Motown Fox]

This is Heaven This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!

 

[SJN-Fox]

Arm and a leg found in Hertfordshire, a head found in Leicestershire, I'm off for a wander through the fields, there might be some fanny about.......

 

[City Fan]

Arm and a leg found in Hertfordshire, a head found in Leicestershire, I'm off for a wander through the fields, there might be some fanny about.......

:icon_lol:

 

[bocadillo]

Arm and a leg found in Hertfordshire, a head found in Leicestershire, I'm off for a wander through the fields, there might be some fanny about.......

I doubt it - it was a bloke. But if that's the way you lean, who am I to stop you?

 

[RHYDAL]

"Doctor, doctor I've just got back from Mexico. I've been feeling a bit under the weather and I'm worried about this swine flu."
"How long were you there?"
"Only a weeeeeeeeeeeeeek".
.
.
.
.
.
"Could you take a look at my eye as well. It's a bit bloodshot. Is it related?"
"Yes, it's a stye"

 

[RHYDAL]

My travel agent friend tells me that people are cancelling trips to Mexico in their droves. There's some crackling late deals about!!

 

[Motown Fox]

"Doctor, doctor I've just got back from Mexico. I've been feeling a bit under the weather and I'm worried about this swine flu."
"How long were you there?"
"Only a weeeeeeeeeeeeeek".
.
.
.
.
.
"Could you take a look at my eye as well. It's a bit bloodshot. Is it related?"
"Yes, it's a stye"

"But dont worry about it I'll give you a prescription here you go...."

"What is it for"

"Oinkment"

"oh right how often"

"Twice a day and no more after each main meal..............

oh and one more thing...................




dont make a pig of yourself"

 

[RHYDAL]

"But dont worry about it I'll give you a prescription here you go...."

"What is it for"

"Oinkment"

"oh right how often"

"Twice a day and no more after each main meal..............

oh and one more thing...................




dont make a pig of yourself"

Found a cure already then.
But if it doesn't work they'll call a hambulance.

 

[Motown Fox]

True otherwise everyone might have to trotter off to the Hospital themselves.

There are reports coming through about panic in certain areas particularly in the London area where people are reporting in and phoning in to their local hospital saying they have the symptons BUT a London area spokesman said that these were people who were jumping to the wrong conclusions about a cough or cold and were generally telling porkies to get some attention.

 

[RHYDAL]

True otherwise everyone might have to trotter off to the Hospital themselves.

There are reports coming through about panic in certain areas particularly in the London area where people are reporting in and phoning in to their local hospital saying they have the symptons BUT a London area spokesman said that these were people who were jumping to the wrong conclusions about a cough or cold and were generally telling porkies to get some attention.

You're scratching now.