highland fox
New Member
Rolf Harris has agreed to do a rendition of Micheal Jacksons Thriller at his next concert has a mark of respect,in return Micheal has promised to do Two Little Boys at the end of his shows in London
The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
- Status
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
He's agreed for "Stairway to Heaven" to be done as well and is to let him borrow his diggerery-do as well.
Matt_B
Well-Known Member
Me, I am Baddie, I am a good man.
In my town I dug the well so the town has water but, do they call me Baddie the well digger.............. NO!
In my town I built the town hall and the church but, do they call me Baddie the Town Builder................... NO!
Outside my town I built the road to the highway to get to the city but, do they call me Baddie the Road Builder....................... NO!
On the shore near my village I build the wharf so ships can bring supplies but, do they call me Baddie the Port Builder................. NO!
But, one person see you ****ing a goat................................
In my town I dug the well so the town has water but, do they call me Baddie the well digger.............. NO!
In my town I built the town hall and the church but, do they call me Baddie the Town Builder................... NO!
Outside my town I built the road to the highway to get to the city but, do they call me Baddie the Road Builder....................... NO!
On the shore near my village I build the wharf so ships can bring supplies but, do they call me Baddie the Port Builder................. NO!
But, one person see you ****ing a goat................................
drummindefender
Active Member
I think i've got swine flu- i keep coming out in rashers!
Singth
Active Member
leicester_til_i_die
Member
They say you can only contract swine flu if you've been in contact with an infected dead pig recently. I bet Jack Tweed is shitting himself!
The Major
Active Member
I like Micheal Jackson's version of the Elton John song.
Don't let your son go down on me.
A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Ivy..Ivy.':
'Is that you, Richard?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'That's wonderful! What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Richard you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona!
drummindefender
Active Member
The weather in leicester is a bit like the insurgency in Iraq- its either sunni or its shi'ite!
drummindefender
Active Member
A young boy is seen by Social services after they found out he was being beaten by his parents. They then asked the boy if there was anyone else he'd like to stay with, to which the young boy replied "the newcastle football team"
"Whys that?"
"Because they never beat anyone!"
"Whys that?"
"Because they never beat anyone!"
Darth Vodka
Well-Known Member
Alan Shearer is now the worst caretaker since Ian Huntley
SwedeFox
Well-Known Member
I think that joke has been done with every team in every league in every sport. But it's very true in this case.
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Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A : A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
.... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ..
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
____________________________ ______________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first!!
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A : A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
.... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ..
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
____________________________ ______________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first!!
Profondo Rosso
Well-Known Member
Q: Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
A: Because it wouldn't be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in such a sparsely-populated and low-income area.
-----------------------
Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A: Dr Dre (i apologise)
A: Because it wouldn't be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in such a sparsely-populated and low-income area.
-----------------------
Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A: Dr Dre (i apologise)
Harbro-Fox
Legend
A man walks into a caravan. Ouch.
SwedeFox
Well-Known Member
Profondo Rosso
Well-Known Member
i am a lazy giant **** who cant be arsed to do a thread search, i apologise
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drummindefender
Active Member
Craig David is quitting his singing career to join the British Olympic 2012 Archery team. He's going to be their bow selector.
- Status
| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Liverpool | 11 | 28 |
| 2 | Manchester C | 11 | 23 |
| 3 | Chelsea | 11 | 19 |
| 4 | Arsenal | 11 | 19 |
| 5 | Nottm F | 11 | 19 |
| 6 | Brighton | 11 | 19 |
| 7 | Fulham | 11 | 18 |
| 8 | Newcastle | 11 | 18 |
| 9 | Aston Villa | 11 | 18 |
| 10 | Tottenham | 11 | 16 |
| 11 | Brentford | 11 | 16 |
| 12 | Bournemouth | 11 | 15 |
| 13 | Manchester U | 11 | 15 |
| 14 | West Ham | 11 | 12 |
| 15 | Leicester | 11 | 10 |
| 16 | Everton | 11 | 10 |
| 17 | Ipswich | 11 | 8 |
| 18 | Palace | 11 | 7 |
| 19 | Wolves | 11 | 6 |
| 20 | Southampton | 11 | 4 |
