The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
- Status
MKFox
New Member
MKFox
New Member
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
Singth
Active Member
:icon_bigg
fcukcov
Active Member
THE MADAM OPENED THE BROTHEL DOOR IN NEVADA AND SAW A RATHER DIGNIFIED, WELL-DRESSED, GOOD-LOOKING MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES OR EARLY FIFTIES.
'MAY I HELP YOU SIR?' SHE ASKED.
'I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' THE MAN REPLIED.
'SIR, VALERIE IS ONE OF OUR MOST EXPENSIVE LADIES. PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER SOMEONE ELSE', SAID THE MADAM.
'NO, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' HE REPLIED.
JUST THEN, VALERIE APPEARED AND ANNOUNCED TO THE MAN SHE CHARGED $5000 A VISIT. WITHOUT HESITATION, THE MAN PULLED OUT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, THE MAN CALMLY LEFT.
THE NEXT NIGHT, THE MAN APPEARED AGAIN, ONCE MORE DEMANDING TO SEE VALERIE. VALERIE EXPLAINED THAT NO ONE HAD EVER COME BACK TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW AS SHE WAS TOO EXPENSIVE. BUT THERE WERE NO DISCOUNTS. THE PRICE WAS STILL $5000. AGAIN, THE MAN PULLED OUT THE MONEY, GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, HE LEFT.
THE FOLLOWING NIGHT THE MAN WAS THERE YET AGAIN. EVERYONE WAS ASTOUNDED THAT HE HAD COME FOR A THIRD CONSECUTIVE NIGHT, BUT HE PAID VALERIE AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS.
AFTER THEIR SESSION, VALERIE QUESTIONED THE MAN, 'NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN WITH ME THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?' SHE ASKED.
THE MAN REPLIED, ' MINNESOTA .'
'REALLY', SHE SAID. 'I HAVE FAMILY IN MINNESOTA .'
'I KNOW.' THE MAN SAID. 'YOUR SISTER DIED, AND I AM HER ATTORNEY. SHE ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU YOUR $15,000 INHERITANCE. '
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN.
1. DEATH
2. TAXES, AND
3. BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money.'
The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes George, the green keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George, the green keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls.'
The Aussie said, 'Why can't they play at night?
'MAY I HELP YOU SIR?' SHE ASKED.
'I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' THE MAN REPLIED.
'SIR, VALERIE IS ONE OF OUR MOST EXPENSIVE LADIES. PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER SOMEONE ELSE', SAID THE MADAM.
'NO, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' HE REPLIED.
JUST THEN, VALERIE APPEARED AND ANNOUNCED TO THE MAN SHE CHARGED $5000 A VISIT. WITHOUT HESITATION, THE MAN PULLED OUT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, THE MAN CALMLY LEFT.
THE NEXT NIGHT, THE MAN APPEARED AGAIN, ONCE MORE DEMANDING TO SEE VALERIE. VALERIE EXPLAINED THAT NO ONE HAD EVER COME BACK TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW AS SHE WAS TOO EXPENSIVE. BUT THERE WERE NO DISCOUNTS. THE PRICE WAS STILL $5000. AGAIN, THE MAN PULLED OUT THE MONEY, GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, HE LEFT.
THE FOLLOWING NIGHT THE MAN WAS THERE YET AGAIN. EVERYONE WAS ASTOUNDED THAT HE HAD COME FOR A THIRD CONSECUTIVE NIGHT, BUT HE PAID VALERIE AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS.
AFTER THEIR SESSION, VALERIE QUESTIONED THE MAN, 'NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN WITH ME THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?' SHE ASKED.
THE MAN REPLIED, ' MINNESOTA .'
'REALLY', SHE SAID. 'I HAVE FAMILY IN MINNESOTA .'
'I KNOW.' THE MAN SAID. 'YOUR SISTER DIED, AND I AM HER ATTORNEY. SHE ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU YOUR $15,000 INHERITANCE. '
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN.
1. DEATH
2. TAXES, AND
3. BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money.'
The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes George, the green keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George, the green keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls.'
The Aussie said, 'Why can't they play at night?
Singth
Active Member
A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police Force .
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,
six drug dealers, six Muslim terrorists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,
six drug dealers, six Muslim terrorists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
MKFox
New Member
Happens alot round our way...:icon_bigg
SwedeFox
Well-Known Member
fosseboy83
Active Member
The love story of Ralph and Edna...
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna
were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool.. Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's
heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness..
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?'
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna
were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool.. Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's
heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness..
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?'
fcukcov
Active Member
A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.
Harbro-Fox
Legend
A man goes to the Doctors and says " I am having problems with my hearing"
The Doctors goes "describe the symptoms"
The man goes " Marge had blue hair and Homer is fat"
THANK YOU I AM HERE ALL WEEK
The Doctors goes "describe the symptoms"
The man goes " Marge had blue hair and Homer is fat"
THANK YOU I AM HERE ALL WEEK
Darth Vodka
Well-Known Member
SJN-Fox
Well-Known Member
A single mother went into a coma as she gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl. On waking from the coma she was worried as to the names her rather dense brother might have chosen on her behalf. 'What did you call the girl?' she asked. 'Denise', he replied. Heaving a huge sigh of relief that it was a 'normal' name, she asked what he had called the boy. 'De nephew', he replied."
fcukcov
Active Member
Baptising an Irishman
>
> An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
> He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
> The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
> The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
> So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
> The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
> The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
> The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
> By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus yet?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?'
>
> An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
> He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
> The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
> The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
> So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
> The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
> The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
> The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
> By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus yet?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?'
MKFox
New Member
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia .
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing.
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs (and people) around the globe.
It gets worse . . . . . . .
Next year, 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing.
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs (and people) around the globe.
It gets worse . . . . . . .
Next year, 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
MKFox
New Member
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.
- Status
| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Liverpool | 11 | 28 |
| 2 | Manchester C | 11 | 23 |
| 3 | Chelsea | 11 | 19 |
| 4 | Arsenal | 11 | 19 |
| 5 | Nottm F | 11 | 19 |
| 6 | Brighton | 11 | 19 |
| 7 | Fulham | 11 | 18 |
| 8 | Newcastle | 11 | 18 |
| 9 | Aston Villa | 11 | 18 |
| 10 | Tottenham | 11 | 16 |
| 11 | Brentford | 11 | 16 |
| 12 | Bournemouth | 11 | 15 |
| 13 | Manchester U | 11 | 15 |
| 14 | West Ham | 11 | 12 |
| 15 | Leicester | 11 | 10 |
| 16 | Everton | 11 | 10 |
| 17 | Ipswich | 11 | 8 |
| 18 | Palace | 11 | 7 |
| 19 | Wolves | 11 | 6 |
| 20 | Southampton | 11 | 4 |
