Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
When my wife left me she took all my Bob Marley records & my satellite dish........now I've got 'no woman, no sky'
The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
- Status
SJN-Fox
Well-Known Member
The following "jokes" contain sexist and racist remarks, read at your own peril :icon_lol:
LETS OFFEND EVERYONE..................
Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for ****'s sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
__________________________________
My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not ****ing listening'
_____________________________________________
Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
_______________________________________________
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.
I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and ****s off.
__________________________________________________
Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.
Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.
___________________________________________________
A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.
____________________________________________________
Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
______________________________________________________
Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says You did this to me you ****er'.
He replied casually, If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, **** off it'll be too painful, Now who's laughing
LETS OFFEND EVERYONE..................
Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for ****'s sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
__________________________________
My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not ****ing listening'
_____________________________________________
Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
_______________________________________________
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.
I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and ****s off.
__________________________________________________
Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.
Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.
___________________________________________________
A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.
____________________________________________________
Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
______________________________________________________
Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says You did this to me you ****er'.
He replied casually, If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, **** off it'll be too painful, Now who's laughing
homer
Well-Known Member
fcukcov
Active Member
Wonderful stuff
I have to say Im thinking of using this in the next few weeks......erm then again maybe not.:icon_lol:
Harbro-Fox
Legend
There is a fire at the Ricoh Shithole and Chris Coleman says to the fireman, " the cups, the cups what about all of the cups, you must save all of the cups"
And the fireman says " Don't worry mate, the fire hasn't reached the canteen yet"
And the fireman says " Don't worry mate, the fire hasn't reached the canteen yet"
Darth Vodka
Well-Known Member
when does Saddam Hussein have his breakfast?
when Tariq Az-iz
when Tariq Az-iz
The Major
Active Member
You and your topical satire.:icon_wink
lazzer
Moderator
I know ,how old is that :icon_lol:
Last edited:
Harbro-Fox
Legend
Best joke you will EVER hear.
LEEDS!!!!
LEEDS!!!!
Macky
Gruntled Member
It definitely pre-dates the first Gulf war, so it's at least 20 years old
fcukcov
Active Member
Adult Riddles …
Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip..
Q: How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A.. 45 pounds.
Q. What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A. 45 minutes.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip..
Q: How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A.. 45 pounds.
Q. What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A. 45 minutes.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
fcukcov
Active Member
An Aussie BIKER walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The BIKER says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the BIKER reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the BIKER, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The BIKER sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
The BIKER says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the BIKER reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the BIKER, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The BIKER sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
OldGit
Well-Known Member
After retiring, I went to thechemists to get a prescription. I ticked the box to say I didn't have to pay because I was over 60.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about it
She said, 'Nip down to Social Security and drop your pants. You might get
disability allowance'
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about it
She said, 'Nip down to Social Security and drop your pants. You might get
disability allowance'
MKFox
New Member
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck' s going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck' s going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
Singth
Active Member
After having a nice 69 with his girlfriend, Brian remembered that he had an appointment with the dentist. He was afraid that the dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath so he brushed his teeth, used floss and then rinsed it with Listerine. Arriving at the dentist he was also eating a packet of Extra Strong Mints so, when he was called in Brian was feeling very confident. He relaxed and opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close and said
"Did you have a 69 before you came here?"
Brian says "How did you know? Does my breath smell of fanny?"
The dentist replied "No you have a skidmark on your forehead"
"Did you have a 69 before you came here?"
Brian says "How did you know? Does my breath smell of fanny?"
The dentist replied "No you have a skidmark on your forehead"
MKFox
New Member
:icon_bigg
- Status
| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Liverpool | 11 | 28 |
| 2 | Manchester C | 11 | 23 |
| 3 | Chelsea | 11 | 19 |
| 4 | Arsenal | 11 | 19 |
| 5 | Nottm F | 11 | 19 |
| 6 | Brighton | 11 | 19 |
| 7 | Fulham | 11 | 18 |
| 8 | Newcastle | 11 | 18 |
| 9 | Aston Villa | 11 | 18 |
| 10 | Tottenham | 11 | 16 |
| 11 | Brentford | 11 | 16 |
| 12 | Bournemouth | 11 | 15 |
| 13 | Manchester U | 11 | 15 |
| 14 | West Ham | 11 | 12 |
| 15 | Leicester | 11 | 10 |
| 16 | Everton | 11 | 10 |
| 17 | Ipswich | 11 | 8 |
| 18 | Palace | 11 | 7 |
| 19 | Wolves | 11 | 6 |
| 20 | Southampton | 11 | 4 |
