The random joke thread

[drummindefender]

i aint :icon_lol:

 

[MKFox]

I left her with a face like a painter's radio

:icon_bigg

 

[Matt_B]

Like opening the window and shagging the night

I like that one

 

[City Fan]

A piece of string walked into a bar. The bartender asks "Are you a piece of string?" and the string replies "No I'm afraid not".

 

[londonfox]

In South Africa a Black man was walking with a parrot on his shoulder and on his way he meets with a white guy.
"He is so cute! Does he speak?" Asks the white guy.
"I don’t know, I just bought him!" Says the parrot.

 

[MKFox]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his todger, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up....


.....then all the other bells started to ring.

 

[Darth Vodka]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his todger, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up....


.....then all the other bells started to ring.

i'm having that one

except i'm going to go "ding a ling" then "DING A LING A DING A LING A LING"

 

[Motown Fox]

Shamus & Murphy fancied a drink or two but only had the princely sum of One Euro between them.

Murphy said " Hang on , I have an idea ."

He went into the butchers next door to the pub and came out with one large sausage .

Shamus said " Are you crazy , now we don't have any money for a drink ! "

Murphy replied " Don't worry just follow me ."

He went into the pub and ordered 2 large Jamesons .

Shamus said " Now we are in trouble , we haven't got any money remember !"

Murphy replied , with a smile " Don't worry , I have a plan , Cheers "

They quickly downed their drinks .

Murphy then said " O.K. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth "

The barman noticed them , went beserk and threw them out of the pub .

They continued this , pub after pub , getting more and more drunk , all for free .

At the tenth pub Shamus said to Murphy " I don't think I can do this anymore , I'm so drunk and my knees are killing me !"

Murphy replied " HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL , I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHICH PUB I LOST THE SAUSAGE IN !!! "

 

[SJN-Fox]

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of macho bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily
tattooed biker.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

 

[tedfoxxx]

Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other; 'I'll drive, you man the turret.'

 

[SJN-Fox]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.

Notlooking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?' .... 'Only when he's pissed.'

 

[Motown Fox]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look
good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you
come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
delicacy..'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter
and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than
the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes
the bull wins.

 

[fcukcov]

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:


I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

 

[bocadillo]

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:


I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Typical! - great long list from women and a very short one from men. It all goes to show how much more demanding women are than men.

 

[bocadillo]

Apple have announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[MKFox]

Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?

 

[Siouxsie]

Really annoyed!!!
Someone sent me a text.
All it said was

'A' 'G' 'N' 'B'

















I think it's bang out of order

 

[MKFox]

i'll be using that one, ta!

 

[Matt_B]

ffujsiuewoucurweuir
Just thought I'd post a few letters before the strike.

 

[Matt_B]

Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.