The random joke thread

[G F P]

Two women were walking home after a night on the tiles, they cut through a grave yard to have a pee. they realise they dont have any tissue in their handbags so the first women uses her knickers the second woman makes do with a nearby reef. The next day their husbands are having a pint in the local, the first man says "I'd better keep an eye on my missus she came home with no pants on last night" the second man replies "you think you've got problems that's feck all my wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse saying We'll never forget you from all the boys at the fire station"

 

[Motown Fox]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the birds mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[OldGit]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him.


He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.


"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.


After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.


He agrees.


They had a wonderful, wild time having hot, passionate sex, talking, having hot, passionate sex, talking some more, and having hot, passionate sex.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.


The guy is amazed! Everything had been sooo incredible!


"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"


"No, " she replies. ..... "You just happened to catch my eye."

 

[OldGit]

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself :


Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"


Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."


Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"


Maxine: "No, they spread "

 

[alex]

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.


His wife replies 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother'

 

[alex]

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut'

 

[homer]

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut'

Booooooooooooooooo

 

[alex]

Booooooooooooooooo

 

[Darth Vodka]

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut'

you remind me of that muppet off Sesame Street, the vampire one

except without the O

 

[alex]

you remind me of that muppet off Sesame Street, the vampire one

except without the O

The 'O'?

 

[MKFox]

 

[alex]

I feel bad. Need a peanut butter sandwich...

 

[Dour]

Two women were walking home after a night on the tiles, they cut through a grave yard to have a pee. they realise they dont have any tissue in their handbags so the first women uses her knickers the second woman makes do with a nearby reef. The next day their husbands are having a pint in the local, the first man says "I'd better keep an eye on my missus she came home with no pants on last night" the second man replies "you think you've got problems that's feck all my wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse saying We'll never forget you from all the boys at the fire station"

I've heard this joke before without the reef bit. What the **** is a reef? If it's the corally shit, where the **** is the nearest reef to Leicester?

 

[OldGit]

Wreath?

 

[SJN-Fox]

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

 

[OldGit]

A man turns up at a nightclub carrying a set of jump leads. The bouncer says " Sorry, you can't come in"

"Why not?"

"You look like you might start something"

 

[alex]

Why is an orange round?

Cos you can't wash your window with a shovel.

 

[bocadillo]

Bloke goes into a baker's and asks for a loaf of bread.

The assistant asks, "White or Brown?"

The bloke replies, "Either. I've got my bike outside".

 

[Beliall]

Why is an orange round?

Cos you can't wash your window with a shovel.

?????

 

[Beliall]

Bloke goes into a baker's and asks for a loaf of bread.

The assistant asks, "White or Brown?"

The bloke replies, "Either. I've got my bike outside".