To the married blokes...

[taupe]

A question from the left field. More of a Quora topic maybe. How different would your life be if you weren't married?

I ask because I realised I would have a very different lifestyle if there wasn't someone else in my life (actually, that's possibly a better question than just married, if there were an a.n.other)

My place would be a tip (in comparison) my diet would be crap, I'd never think about shopping lists let alone vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom. Those things would get done but much less regularly - they're just not a priority for me. I guess that's a salient word, we have different priorities. Given free rein, I'd have a more hedonistic existence of wanton liberty... or some such.

This isn't a whinge BTW. I'm not secretly wanting a divorce. Just an acknowledgement of how different I'd live on a day-to-day basis were I single. There's pluses and minuses obviously and it's always a compromise, for us both. But it is hard to escape the feeling that this home of ours is more hers than mine. I don't care as such but I do see it.

Edit: I've just had a little stroll around the garden, with my mug of coffee. The garden's 'mine'. It's were I exercise control (with consultation). My wife, whilst being a plant person, is not keen on the graft of gardening, landscaping, etc nor the actual maintenance required. I guess we've effected an affective division of labour!

 

[jb5000]

I remember seeing a stat around the time I got married that married men have a life expectancy ten years longer than unmarried men. I recognise what you say here in my own life, but you also capture the reality behind stats like that

 

[Blaarev]

A question from the left field. More of a Quora topic maybe. How different would your life be if you weren't married?

I ask because I realised I would have a very different lifestyle if there wasn't someone else in my life (actually, that's possibly a better question than just married, if there were an a.n.other)

My place would be a tip (in comparison) my diet would be crap, I'd never think about shopping lists let alone vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom. Those things would get done but much less regularly - they're just not a priority for me. I guess that's a salient word, we have different priorities. Given free rein, I'd have a more hedonistic existence of wanton liberty... or some such.

This isn't a whinge BTW. I'm not secretly wanting a divorce. Just an acknowledgement of how different I'd live on a day-to-day basis were I single. There's pluses and minuses obviously and it's always a compromise, for us both. But it is hard to escape the feeling that this home of ours is more hers than mine. I don't care as such but I do see it.

Edit: I've just had a little stroll around the garden, with my mug of coffee. The garden's 'mine'. It's were I exercise control (with consultation). My wife, whilst being a plant person, is not keen on the graft of gardening, landscaping, etc nor the actual maintenance required. I guess we've effected an affective division of labour!

Much the same, except the gardering bit.

 

[taupe]

I remember seeing a stat around the time I got married that married men have a life expectancy ten years longer than unmarried men

I recall reading that too. Praps single guys are pretty crap at looking after themselves! I know I eat a lot better (i.e. healthier) than if I was single. I reckon I'd still be on a diet of burgers, kebabs and pizza.

 

[give_us_a_wave]

I'm not married but lived with a woman for a fair number of years. The thing about your post that resonates most with me is that the house is "hers" Too bloody right.

It took me a couple of years to realise it but then I noticed that not one single thing on any of the walls or shelves was mine.

Other than a photo of us both taken at a gig in the early days of the relationship,which was framed & above the fireplace, there was nothing to suggest I even lived there ! All of my stuff was in boxes under the stairs, under the bed & in cupboards. In addition, every decorating suggestion I made was met with the sort of derision normally reserved for politicians talking about integrity.

" Blue ? In this room ? You're mad. Over my dead body "

Now I live alone & am in the process of painting a feature wall in the bedroom Orange Fire (sort of terracotta with the brightness turned up) If she was here she'd have a ****ing seizure.

 

[H T B]

Now I live alone & am in the process of painting a feature wall in the bedroom Orange Fire (sort of terracotta with the brightness turned up) If she was here she'd have a ****ing seizure.

Well, terracotta is so 80's. anyone would

 

[taupe]

Yep, I know that feeling. I would have liked to have painted a room yellow. Nope, she wasn't having it. No discussion entered in to, just straight out incomprehension that anyone might even want to. I just go with it these days, I don't really give a shit about such things tbh. I do get decorating thoughts etc bounced off of me from time to time tbh but I get the idea that it's only confirmation that is required.

 

[tedfoxxx]

I cook and clean to a high standard every single day and I’ve had word that my wife’s mates compare their husbands and boyfriends to me. I like that.

 

[taupe]

If that's your choice then cool. What is the comparison btw? That other husbands/boyfriends are similarly motivated? I'm presuming the opposite.

 

[tedfoxxx]

I think everyone daydreams about what life would be like if this happened or that never happened.

I wouldn’t get anything big done if it wasn’t for my wife. I’m great at keeping the house going and getting us through the week, we’ve got an almost one year old so everything is just a routine at the minute.

She plans things, holidays, moving house, saving money, improving and replacing things around the home.

It’s a pretty good dynamic really, I’m dependable and she’ definitely shows signs of ADHD.

If I were suddenly single again I reckon I’d be a borderline hermit to be honest.

 

[taupe]

I wasn't daydreaming, simply seeing things as they were and wondering. I'm not looking to change anything let's put it that way! I reckon I'd be hermit like too, unconcerned by regular household chores (or certainly not AS regular) I can cook when I'm motivated to but I'd not be motivated every day of the week and would settle for beans on toast etc. Incidentally, my wife says the same thing!

 

[tedfoxxx]

If that's your choice then cool. What is the comparison btw? That other husbands/boyfriends are similarly motivated? I'm presuming the opposite.

Yeah I’ve been told that when they get together and have a bitch and a moan about their partners my wife is always surprised at how little other men do around the house.

I know a lot of blokes my age (early 30’s) who put a lot more effort into their social lives and their work than their relationships. It pays off on different ways.

I think I’ve strayed slightly off your original topic now anyway!

With regards to your original post, do you ever get the house to yourself for an extended period of time if she’s away with friends or working away or something? I’ve always found that I revert to my early 20’s. I’ll buy fags and eat shit food and I generally feel like absolute shit in a short space of time. I miss aspects of single life but I don’t think I’d have any of my security or creature comforts if I was suddenly single again.

 

[taupe]

Yep, I get the place to myself from time to time. At first, I do tend to take advantage and revert to type (beer and pizza etc) but part of that is, tbh, playing to cliché. Then once that's out of my system then I kind of settle down and starting preparing proper meals and cleaning up after myself etc. Then do a round of chores before she gets back!

 

[fitz]

It wasn't so much marriage that changed it for me. It was having kids and her being unable to work any more. Before kids me and her used to live mostly on takeaway and beer. As she worked nightshifts at NHS we continued that for a few years into parenting as neither of us could be arsed to cook for 1 during the handover of child once I'd got in from work. Cooking food was a weekend treat and tidying was focused around where the baby was. Now it's just constant picking traps up off the floors as there's 3 of them trying to injure themselves.

 

[taupe]

I can imagine kids change things dramatically. Not having them, I've no idea but have seen enough to know that I didn't want to go there (I'm far too self-* to ever be a decent parent)

We've seen enough of the portrayal of family life on tele (and tele does reflect a reality even if it's not PC) to know the home is often a kid's playground that mum manages (or tries to) and dad escapes. I can imagine that for some men/dad's, the workplace feels more 'at home' than home does. But I am going back to an era perhaps and times have changed.

Back to reality, the wife has somehow managed to block the bedroom loo. Don't ask me how and I really don't want to know. We know it's not me because I don't use that loo (just to emphasise the OP, it's her loo. I'm more at home with the smaller, more secluded downstairs one - the room I wanted to paint yellow btw) Anyways, I digress, that problem is hers to sort. I'm not conforming to gender roles to sort out her (probably literal) shit.

 

[pork pie fox]

It wasn't so much marriage that changed it for me. It was having kids and her being unable to work any more. Before kids me and her used to live mostly on takeaway and beer. As she worked nightshifts at NHS we continued that for a few years into parenting as neither of us could be arsed to cook for 1 during the handover of child once I'd got in from work. Cooking food was a weekend treat and tidying was focused around where the baby was. Now it's just constant picking traps up off the floors as there's 3 of them trying to injure themselves.

This is far more true for me. I’ve been with my wife for nearly 30 years, but we didn’t get married until nearly 10 years in and, even then, it didn’t change much (we’d been living together for years by then). It’s having kids that changes your life more, IMO and, even then, it’s having your first kid that changes your life more. Having the second and third makes you have to juggle more things at the same time, but having your first kid changes your whole life. It also makes the colour of a particular wall fall further down the list of priorities than it already was, for both of us.

In my experience, anyway.

 

[Rock Fox]

It wasn't so much marriage that changed it for me. It was having kids

Spot on ! -Makes me chuckle when you hear young adults say, "Yeah, we're planning to have kids but it won't change us..."

re: decorating comments- I didn't buy my first house 'till I reached late 40's - and re married a year later My lovely 'burnt orange' feature wall was quickly painted over and my rock+fossil collection ( which was on the sideboard, desktop, every windowsill and tastefully interposed with books on shelves) was bundled away in boxes to the loft and shed. After the kids/step kids have left home, the small bedroom became my study and my domain. I redecorated it with fossil print embossed wallpaper, retrieved some geological specimens from storage and now they sit on the shelves amongst books and photos of grandkids. The wife has the final say on the rest of the house - and I'm fine with that!

 

[taupe]

the small bedroom became my study and my domain.

I have such a domain. In my case, an attic space. My computers, records, maps, books and general whatever shit. I'm contemplating an ironic 'no girls allowed' sign on the door.

 

[Elon Bust]

I cook and clean to a high standard every single day and I’ve had word that my wife’s mates compare their husbands and boyfriends to me. I like that.

This is what I'd be like if I had a wife. I live on my own but am very tidy already, always wiping down work surfaces and doing hoovering. I regularly clean shelves in the fridge, which I think some people don't realise needs to be done.

 

[homer]

This is what I'd be like if I had a wife. I live on my own but am very tidy already, always wiping down work surfaces and doing hoovering. I regularly clean shelves in the fridge, which I think some people don't realise needs to be done.

Bet the time just flies by….