The random joke thread

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A frail old lady is being examined by her Dr. He asks "have you ever been
bedridden?"

She says "yes I have and I've been table ended, knee trembled and backskuttled a few times as well."
 
Sat opposite me on the train this morning was a quite stunning Thai bird, real top drawer stuff. I kept saying to my self "dont get an erection, dont get an erection"..... but she did.:tumbleweed:

I've just had a rejection letter back from Screwfix.

They said thank you for my interest but they were not a Dating Agency.
:icon_redf

A frail old lady is being examined by her Dr. He asks "have you ever been
bedridden?"

She says "yes I have and I've been table ended, knee trembled and backskuttled a few times as well."


You had that email as well then?
 
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
just can't work the poilce out these days, women across the road stands in her bedroom window watching me having a wank and i'm the pervert
 
What's #000000 and #ffffff and #ff0000 all over?






























A nun raped by a webmaster.
 
Kate Middleton asks the Queen what the secret to a long marriage is. The Queen replies "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off"
 
I thoroughly enjoyed the bank holiday film on BBC this morning - Prince Harry and the Half Bald Prince. The acting was as poor as usual though.
 
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
 
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
 
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
 
Bill Clinton tried and failed.
George Bush tried and failed.
Barack Obama tried, and succeeded.

The moral of this story is... if you want someone dead, hire a black man
 
Elton John is to release a commemorative single in reaction to Osama's death. ... Sandals In The Bin ... Out soon.
 
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