The random joke thread

[fox58]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says,

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf .

 

[fosseboy83]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says,

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf .

:icon_lol:

 

[SJN-Fox]

Pregnancy Q & As

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in university.

 

[Scarby]

I'm sure you can imagine
As plain as can be
The place is Piccadilly
The players He and She.

She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."

She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore".

Then finally contended
Lay back and relax a bit
Quickly and readily he bent over her
And then he started it.

It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been quite a size.

"Calm yourself" he whispered
His face was filled with a grin
"Try and open a bit wider
So I can get it in".

"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I am having this".

And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.

She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while".

Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!

 

[spionfox]

I'm sure you can imagine
As plain as can be
The place is Piccadilly
The players He and She.

Shouldn't this be in a new thread - the 'twee harmless innofensive joke you can tell grannie' thread?

:icon_wink

 

[OldGit]

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in the US, as well as the Northern Rock debacle here in the UK, the uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days “Origami Bank has folded”, “Sumo Bank has gone belly up” and “Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches”.

Yesterday, it was announced that “Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song”, while today shares in “Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived”.

Furthermore, “500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop” and analysts report that “there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal”.

The only positive news, and reversing the trend, is that “Hiroshima Bank are going A Bomb”.

 

[OldGit]

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization ", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam."

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal? "

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 20 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your
wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical

 

[fcukcov]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

 

[Melton Fox]

:icon_lol:

 

[fcukcov]

:icon_lol:

I thought it was rather good.

 

[Melton Fox]

I thought it was rather good.

Dodgy ground though Leroy, I'm sure some randomer will choose to be offended at some point.

 

[fcukcov]

Dodgy ground though Leroy, I'm sure some randomer will choose to be offended at some point.

oh I do hope so.

 

[bocadillo]

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

If you are a compulsive liar, press 10,000,000,000,000

 

[SJN-Fox]

God appears to a man and tells him he'll have to quit fags, drink and sex if he wants to go to heaven.

A week later, God reappears and asks how it's going. He says the fags and drink were easy to give up but when my wife bent over to take the meat out of the freezer, I couldn't resist, I had to give her one there and then.

God says, they don't like that in heaven. Man replies they don't like it in Morrisons either.

 

[OldGit]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,

"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said,

"What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said,

"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

 

[G F P]

Shh! don't tell anyone......
I'm going to go down on you!! and your going to love it.....
But only long enough so you just start to enjoy it.....
Then i'm going to come back up again and **** you big time!!!!

Yours sincerely

Petrol Prices.

 

[SJN-Fox]

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm....
























































Being raped


(Jimmy Carr 2007)

 

[wherethefoxhat?]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,

"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said,

"What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said,

"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

 

[Motown Fox]

Real Court Cases
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
>dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
>What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
>an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
>a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
>began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>practicing law.

 

[bocadillo]

A Cumbrian farmer was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW accelerated towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses
and Yves St Laurent tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, 'If I
tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
give me a calf?'

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds,
he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed
and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spread-
sheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.

Finally he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says,
'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the
farmer.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the farmer says to the young man, 'If I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Consultant working for DEFRA', says the farmer.

'Hey! You're right,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'I didn't need to guess.' answered the farmer. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you and you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a flock of
sheep. Now, give me back my dog!'