The random joke thread

[SJN-Fox]

A Guy walks into a bar and buys a pint. Then he takes out a photo from his top pocket, looks at it, then puts it back. He repeatedly does this every time he has a pint.

After the 8th pint the barman asks "why do you look at that photo every time u order a pint!!?" He replies "its a picture of the wife and when she looks good enough to ride I'll go home!!"

 

[SJN-Fox]

It's funnier if you sing it

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

 

[Scarby]

A Guy walks into a bar and buys a pint. Then he takes out a photo from his top pocket, looks at it, then puts it back. He repeatedly does this every time he has a pint.

After the 8th pint the barman asks "why do you look at that photo every time u order a pint!!?" He replies "its a picture of the wife and when she looks good enough to ride I'll go home!!"

 

[Motown Fox]

3 male friends go on a skiing trip and because of an admin cockup at the skiing resort end up having to share a double bed together.
In the middle of the night the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says he's just had a crazy dream that he was getting a fantastic hand job.
That's funny said the one on the left side thats exactly the same dream as me!!
aaarrrrrrrhhhh whats wrong with you guys says the one in the middle you just woke me up and my dream had been going great "Why what were you doing?" they both said ----- SKIING!!!!! he said

 

[Scarby]

3 male friends go on a skiing trip and because of an admin cockup at the skiing resort end up having to share a double bed together.
In the middle of the night the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says he's just had a crazy dream that he was getting a fantastic hand job.
That's funny said the one on the left side thats exactly the same dream as me!!
aaarrrrrrrhhhh whats wrong with you guys says the one in the middle you just woke me up and my dream had been going great "Why what were you doing?" they both said ----- SKIING!!!!! he said

 

[Scarby]

what did Adam say on December 24th?





































It's Christmas, Eve

 

[MKFox]

**** off scarby, this is the joke thread

 

[Melton Fox]

what did Adam say on December 24th?





































It's Christmas, Eve

How did Adam know?

 

[muzzysgal]

How did Adam know?

Good point.

 

[Motown Fox]

A couple of friends went to a special preview of a modern art exibition and saw a painting of 3 dark-skinned men all naked sitting on a park bench.

All 3 men looked similar except the one in the middle had a pink penis. The couple were discussing the painting and what it meant and couldn't think of the social comment or otherwise that the artist was getting at. At this point the artist came past. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked. "Well yes" said the first friend "how come the one in the middle has a pink penis?".
"Oh" said the artist "They're coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch"

 

[Darth Vodka]

How did Adam know?

and further more...

did Adam have a belly button?

 

[Melton Fox]

and further more...

did Adam have a belly button?

Also, if god created Eve later on purely to prevent Adam being lonely, why did he give him a set of bollox to begin with?

Incredible foresight on behalf of the Godster

 

[The Major]

Also, if god created Eve later on purely to prevent Adam being lonely, why did he give him a set of bollox to begin with?

Incredible foresight on behalf of the Godster

Same reason the rest of us have boll0x when there isn't a woman about.

 

[SJN-Fox]

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed.

Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn''t make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.

The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."

When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my d**k was bigger than his. This time I showed him."

 

[Melton Fox]

Love it SJN, reminds me of my schooldays :icon_lol:

 

[Billyjof]

How do you make a soul singer out of a duck?















Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

 

[OldGit]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.


"It doesn't have ny feet or legs!" the guy says aloud. "What happened to this parrot?"


The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."


"Holy crap," the guy replies, "you actually understood and answered me!"


"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."


"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"


"Well," the parrot replies, "this is very embarrassing but, since you asked, I wrap my todger around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."


"Wow!" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?!"


"Actually," answers the parrot, "I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."


The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."


"Pssssssst," says the parrot. "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"


The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.


Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor; he's interesting; he's a great pal; he understands everything; he sympathizes and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssst!" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."


"What are talking about?" asks the guy.


"Well," replied the parrot, "when the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."


"WHAT!???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happend?"


"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty," reported the parrot.


"Oh no!" the man exclaims. "Then what?"


"Then he got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breastss and slowly going down ..."


"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"


"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

 

[Billyjof]

What is an Essex girl's favourite wine??






















Take me to lakeside, Take me to lakeside!!!!

 

[SJN-Fox]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself”.

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He’s so horney and keen to try out his new ‘system’ that he doesn’t think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the ‘69’ position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”

The man answered, “Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!”

 

[OldGit]

A man tells his wife during love-making that he would like to come in her ear.

She gives him a 5 minute tirade about how dangerous it is, and that it could make her deaf.

"Are you sure about that?"

"of course I'm........ " for another two minutes.

"Right, in that case give me a blow job"