The random joke thread

[OldGit]

We missed you while you were hiding in that seedy hotel in Brighton

 

[MKFox]

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

Lovely stuff

 

[SJN-Fox]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open"

 

[OldGit]

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paintwork.

An empty cheque stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong.

Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AA and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"

"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

 

[Yorkshire Vixen]

if it was the aa itd be more than a short wait

 

[Melton Fox]

perhaps an MG convertible.

Wonderful

You can't beat a topless mg :icon_lol:

 

[Motown Fox]

>> Three Women , Two Younger, And One Senior Citizen, Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna.
>>
>> Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The Young Woman Pressed Her
> Forearm And The Beep Stopped.
>>
>> The Others Looked At Her Questioningly. "that Was My Pager," She
> Said. I Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm.
>>
>> A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Second Young Woman Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, "that Was
> My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand."
>>
>> The Older Woman Felt Very Low-tech.. Not To Be Out Done, She
> Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped
> Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom.
>>
>> She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Rear
> End. The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her. The
> Older Woman Finally Said.........well, Will You Look At That...
> I'm Getting A Fax

 

[Motown Fox]

I don't how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.
I am sending this to you to warn you of something that has happened to me, as I have become a victim of a very clever scam whilst out shopping.
This happened to me at Tesco's in Doncaster and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot.
They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you if you could give them a ride to another Tesco store. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I've had my wallet stolen last Friday, Saturday, twice on Sunday, and again on Monday.
Don't let this happen to you!

 

[The Major]

2 prostitutes are talking and 1 says to the other.

First prostitute; '' This man last night asked me how much for sex ? I said £20. Then he said what about a blow job? I told him £15. Then he told he'd only got a tenner, what could I do for that? So I told him he could have a hand job and he agreed.Anyway when he got it out it was like a babie's arm.''

Second prostitute; '' So what did you do?''

First prostitute; ''Well, I lent him a tenner''.

 

[Macky]

What's the only thing lazier than Paris Hilton?
























Her eye

 

[The Major]

A gay man visits the doctors;

Gayman'' Doctor, I've got a vibrator stuck in my backside.''

So the doctor gets the man to drop his pants and examines him.

Doctor''I'm sorry but the only way that the vibrator can be removed is by surgery.''

Gayman '' Oh, I don't want it removed. I just want you to change the batteries.''

 

[The Major]

I man rang the Samaritans only to find it had been outsourced to a call centre in Pakistan.
When he told them he was suicidal they got all excited and asked him if he could fly a plane.

 

[fcukcov]

A husband walks into 'Victoria's Secret' to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from 250 Euro to 500 Euro in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item pays the Euro 500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model itfor him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it mightas well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return ittomorrow, and keep the Euro 500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for Euro 500, they'd at least iron it."

 

[tedfoxxx]

an elderly yet spritly gentlemen walks into a hospital waiting room. he goes over to the reseptionist and says 'i bet you cant tell how old i am', she guesses at 70 but he replies ' no im 85'! the receptopnist looked under whelmed so he went over to an old lady on the other side of the room. he says 'i bet you cant tell how old i am'. she promptly unzipps his trousers and starts to examine his penis, after ten minutes of proding, poking and tasting she says, 'your 85'. the man is astonished, 'how could you tell?' the lady replys 'i heard you talking to the reseptionist'.

 

[punkojosh]

Did you hear about the blind Circumscission surgeon??

He got the sack!

 

[fcukcov]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.



When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be ****ed if he needed glasses".

 

[fcukcov]

> A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill famous
> for?"
>
> A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last f**king white man to be
> called Winston!"

 

[fcukcov]

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
>
> About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

 

[fcukcov]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
>
> "Oi, what's your disability?"
>
> I said "Tourettes! Now f**k off you tosser"

 

[fcukcov]

> A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him,
> he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
>
> "Excuse me do I know you?" he asks. "Yes I think you are the father of
> one of my kids" she says.
>
> The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
> "F**king hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate
> whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ass?"
>
> "No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"