The random joke thread

[fcukcov]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess
> darling, I was a hooker!".
>
> He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit
> that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
>
> She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !".

 

[fcukcov]

> Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the
> kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
> As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
>
> "SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and
> keep Father Duffy's b alls off the wet floor!!"

 

[Beliall]

great work

 

[fcukcov]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 

[fcukcov]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

 

[fcukcov]

Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

 

[fcukcov]

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

 

[fcukcov]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

 

[fcukcov]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

 

[OldGit]

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is ****ing the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain decorum is required.

"You should have said, "The bull is surprising the cow" - not some filth you picked up in the City," he says.

A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining.
"Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!"

The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not *cows*. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know..."

"Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He's ****ing the horse!"

 

[OldGit]

A couple in their 60s went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked them, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us make love?"

The doctor looked confused but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, screw, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Please explain, just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man responded, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton Hotel charges $52.00 and Hilton Hotel charges $37.00. We shag here for $20.00 and I get $18.00 back from from insurance company for a visit to the doctors office.

 

[Chuck T Masala]

Two ducks bimbling round the pond, and one went "QUACK". The other one thought "feck me thats spooky I was just going to say that".

 

[fox58]

Don was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when
his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share
his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like
just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father
will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she
became his stepmother.

 

[MKFox]

One winter morning in Pennsylvania a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through"
Norman's wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."
Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went off.

Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

 

[Scarby]

One winter morning in Pennsylvania a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through"
Norman's wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."
Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went off.

Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

:icon_lol:

 

[fosseboy83]

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the bonnet.
"Leave it with me," says the mechanic. "Come back in 20 minutes."
So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day, and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creams - the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.
"Oh, hello," says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.
"Hello," replies the penguin. "Was it anything serious?"
"Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal."
"Oh no, no, no!" says the penguin, wiping his mouth. "It's just ice cream."

 

[drummindefender]

Where Does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs from?


































































Jason's Doner Van!

 

[Melton Fox]

Where Does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs from?

Jason's Doner Van!

Ah, the good ol' days.

I do hope the retro joke catches on in the same way the clothing has :icon_razz

 

[drummindefender]

only heard that for the first time last week !

 

[Scarby]

never heard that one before