The random joke thread

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I met a girl with a fanny like plasticine last week, I haven't shagged her yet but I think I've made an impression.
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?




Because it was stuffed inside Antony Worrall Thompson's jacket.
 
"Welcome to Ready Steady Cook! Anthony you had £5 to spend - what's in your bag? "

"Organic chicken, lingoustines, rice, stock, wine , scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goat's cheese 3 bottles of cava and a bottle of blue nun.....and I have £5.00 left over."
 
"Welcome to Ready Steady Cook! Anthony you had £5 to spend - what's in your bag? "

"Organic chicken, lingoustines, rice, stock, wine , scallops, onions, garlic, stilton, brie, goat's cheese 3 bottles of cava and a bottle of blue nun.....and I have £5.00 left over."
:081:
 
Q: What's the difference between Anal sex and a Microwave?
A: A Microwave doesn't brown your meat

Q: Why are fat girls like mopeds?
A: They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.


Q: What is soft & warm when you go to bed, but hard and
stiff when you wakeup?







A: Vomit.
 
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My wife asked me why I was always on the Internet.

When I said I was looking for cheap flights, she grabbed me and gave me a big kiss , so excited was she.

Which is really strange.



She doesn't even like darts.
 
Don't forget to get your tickets for this week's Costa Concordia cruise ship lottery - it's a rollover!

Lionel Ritchie has cancelled his forthcoming gigs on cruise liners. Apparently "Dancing On The Ceiling" does not have the same appeal anymore.
 
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A violent criminal broke into the Celebrity Big Brother house this week and attacked all the contestants.

Police say they’re struggling to identify the victims.
 
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....


She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
 
A Turtle is walking down the street when he suddenly gets mugged by a gang of Snails.

Afterwards, the Police ask: "Mr. Turtle, can you tell us who did this.??"

Mr. Turtle says: "I don't know..... It all happened so fast.!!??"
 
A turtle ?

Walking down the street ?

Forgive me for saying this, but I firmly believe that that incident did not actually take place at all. You've made it up, haven't you ?



Now if it was a tortoise.........
 
A turtle ?

Walking down the street ?

Forgive me for saying this, but I firmly believe that that incident did not actually take place at all. You've made it up, haven't you ?



Now if it was a tortoise.........
To be frank, it's a total shambles. Snails, as everyone knows, move considerably slower than either a tortoise or a turtle.
Now, if it was a snail mugged by a group of tortoises, you'd be on to something.....
 
Chelsea fans adding to their embarrassment by threatening to trash referee Howard Webb's car.

How stupid are they? Everyone knows he travels on the Manchester United team bus.
 
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