Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
The government are still waiting for the aid to arrive from pakistan to help with our earthquake!!
So the next time they have one **** em.
So the next time they have one **** em.
The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
- Status
fosseboy83
Active Member
An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France !"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained.
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D- Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any ****ing Frenchmen to show it to"
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France !"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained.
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D- Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any ****ing Frenchmen to show it to"
fosseboy83
Active Member
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
:icon_lol:
Carefull mate some people might start to believe you have a sense of humour:icon_wink
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
Only when it comes to hating foreigners :icon_wink
Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
Especially them french type people.
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
Port blocking, beef banning anti English ****s.
Richie_d123
Well-Known Member
I think a world governing body type oranisation should come together and discuss possible ways of eradicating them. Surely it would benefit humanity and kermit would be pleased too.
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a
coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same,"
says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
£9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the
week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man. "Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the
waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again
the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the
table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I
would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as
you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird
with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a
coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same,"
says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
£9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the
week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man. "Yep! Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the
waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again
the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the
table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I
would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as
you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird
with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
There's no consistency in the pricing OG. If the burger meal was only nine pound odd for two meals, I would expect the steak to be a little cheaper than £32.62.
Unless of course it was a specialist steak restaurant it was indeed some mighty fine cuisine. But TBH, it would be wasted on an Ostrich.
Unless of course it was a specialist steak restaurant it was indeed some mighty fine cuisine. But TBH, it would be wasted on an Ostrich.
fosseboy83
Active Member
to be fair, genies tend to be trapped in jars etc from more feudalistic times and societies. so it would be a bit harsh to expect them to understand the full nature of modern economics.
spionfox
Well-Known Member
A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around
for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no
price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner
replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story." The tourist gave
the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the
story."
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little
disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of
blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing
and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked
behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were
running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and
threw the Bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and
were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah,
you've come back for the story then?"
"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim
Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Manchester
United supporter, a blue mongie and anything French!"
for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no
price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner
replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story." The tourist gave
the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the
story."
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little
disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of
blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing
and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked
behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were
running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and
threw the Bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and
were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah,
you've come back for the story then?"
"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim
Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Manchester
United supporter, a blue mongie and anything French!"
fcukcov
Active Member
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on
board bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and
the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.
He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an
Irish lorry driver pulls over. "Where they going?" asks the Irish
chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the
driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck
and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a
good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the
motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him
down again. "What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take
them to Chester Zoo!"
"I did and we had a great time," says the bemused Irish fella, "but
there's still fifty quid left so we're going to Alton Towers
board bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and
the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.
He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an
Irish lorry driver pulls over. "Where they going?" asks the Irish
chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the
driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck
and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a
good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the
motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him
down again. "What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take
them to Chester Zoo!"
"I did and we had a great time," says the bemused Irish fella, "but
there's still fifty quid left so we're going to Alton Towers
fcukcov
Active Member
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
White Peak Fox
New Member
This joke, although a bit out of date, combines both my favourite Geordie and football joke(apologies to the young 'uns who don't understand).
Paul ' Gazza' Gascoigne has just had his first season for Lazio and, feeling homesick, decides to fly home to the North East and buys a flash Ferrari with the money he has made. Gazza decides to drive around town to show off his new wealth and see some of his old mates.
On the West Road he stops at a set of traffic lights, looks in his rear view mirror and sees an old bloke on a bike approaching. The bloke pulls alongside, turns to Gazza, and recognising the former Geordie favourite shouts: 'Howay man Gazza, yer a bloody disgrace to the North East, coming back here to flaunt yer wealth, haddaway and shite ya frigga!'.
Gazza is a little disturbed and pulls away from the lights, takes a left, then the next right and pulls up at a zebra crossing, only for the old bloke to pull alongside him again. 'How man', shouts the gadgy, 'ya bloody traitor to yer own kind, yer shoulda stayed up here and fought fer tha cause, yer'll never be welcome back roond here!'.
Now Gazza is well steamed, he screeches away from the crossing and floors the expensive sports car, gets up to fifth gear and about another mile and a half down the road is forced to stop at a red light. Thinking he's lost the old bloke he relaxes and looks in his mirror, only to see the old timer pegging it after him for all he's worth! Gazza's had enough, so he pulls down his trousers and sticks his arse out of the passenger door window just as the pensioner pulls up.
And the old bloke says: 'And yee Beardsley, yee can fook reet off!'
Paul ' Gazza' Gascoigne has just had his first season for Lazio and, feeling homesick, decides to fly home to the North East and buys a flash Ferrari with the money he has made. Gazza decides to drive around town to show off his new wealth and see some of his old mates.
On the West Road he stops at a set of traffic lights, looks in his rear view mirror and sees an old bloke on a bike approaching. The bloke pulls alongside, turns to Gazza, and recognising the former Geordie favourite shouts: 'Howay man Gazza, yer a bloody disgrace to the North East, coming back here to flaunt yer wealth, haddaway and shite ya frigga!'.
Gazza is a little disturbed and pulls away from the lights, takes a left, then the next right and pulls up at a zebra crossing, only for the old bloke to pull alongside him again. 'How man', shouts the gadgy, 'ya bloody traitor to yer own kind, yer shoulda stayed up here and fought fer tha cause, yer'll never be welcome back roond here!'.
Now Gazza is well steamed, he screeches away from the crossing and floors the expensive sports car, gets up to fifth gear and about another mile and a half down the road is forced to stop at a red light. Thinking he's lost the old bloke he relaxes and looks in his mirror, only to see the old timer pegging it after him for all he's worth! Gazza's had enough, so he pulls down his trousers and sticks his arse out of the passenger door window just as the pensioner pulls up.
And the old bloke says: 'And yee Beardsley, yee can fook reet off!'
fcukcov
Active Member
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little blue sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at
it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
'
Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at
it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
'
Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
Beliall
New Member
Last edited:
- Status
| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Manchester C | 9 | 23 |
| 2 | Liverpool | 9 | 22 |
| 3 | Arsenal | 9 | 18 |
| 4 | Aston Villa | 9 | 18 |
| 5 | Chelsea | 9 | 17 |
| 6 | Brighton | 9 | 16 |
| 7 | Nottm F | 9 | 16 |
| 8 | Tottenham | 9 | 13 |
| 9 | Brentford | 9 | 13 |
| 10 | Fulham | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Bournemouth | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Newcastle | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | West Ham | 9 | 11 |
| 14 | Manchester U | 9 | 11 |
| 15 | Leicester | 9 | 9 |
| 16 | Everton | 9 | 9 |
| 17 | Palace | 9 | 6 |
| 18 | Ipswich | 9 | 4 |
| 19 | Wolves | 9 | 2 |
| 20 | Southampton | 9 | 1 |
