Mental Health, Reaching Out & the Kindness of Strangers

[tedfoxxx]

Hello everyone. I posted yesterday that I wanted to stop using the forum because I’m struggling with my mental health and I’ve identified time spent online as a trigger for that.

Well firstly I just wanted to say thank you for all of the support and advice. I’m touched (DON’T) and I think I’d taken for granted, or never really realised what a decent bunch of people you are. I don’t find much time to socialise and I don’t have many friends so it really, genuinely means a lot to read such nice comments and messages.

I don’t use social media so this has been one of the few outlets I have for thoughts and what have you. I think as was pointed out in the thread that Talkingballs perhaps isn’t part of the problem, but I do intend to temper my use of the internet because you’re never far from the doom and gloom and squabbling of modern news, commentary and culture wars. I’m genuinely open to advice of that nature, I can see that a bit of a moan about flogging Nacho for peanuts isn’t emblematic of the trolling and divisiveness of modern discourse.

I can’t remember ever not feeling like something is a bit off, I struggle to be in the moment and to enjoy things. I’ve gotten help in the past but never really got to the bottom of it. Having a child last year has compounded the fact that I feel cut off from people, lonely and incapable of taking control and looking after myself. I love being a dad and I think I’m a good husband, I just wish I could feel more motivated and content. The word ‘lost’ came up in a PM from a kind person yesterday and that sort of hits the nail on the head.

I’m sorry if my post yesterday seemed overly dramatic, the responses actually made me consider what a large part of my life the forum is, namely the way in which I support my football team. Some of the best times of my life have come from football and they’ve been shared with you on here.

I can recognise when my low moods spill over into self pity and I think hearing some kind words yesterday has really helped and pull me back a bit.

Maybe this could be a thread where posters can reach out, share and help each other.

 

[pork pie fox]

Good post Ted and nice that you've felt people reaching out to you. You're not alone, even if this place is virtual, rather than real world.

I know it can be hard with young kids, particularly if you live away from your established social network. When your kids get to school age it can bring on a whole new social circuit, I found, as you inevitably start meeting up with others because of them. There are always other adults around though, feel free to give me a shout if you need a pint some time.

On a separate note, this post suffers from being in a section of the forum that I suspect gets less traffic. I see all posts, as I use the "new posts" function, but if you don't use that then you've got to go in here to see it. Jeff would it be worth simplifying the menu options? Feel free to disagree, but it could almost be split down into (for example):
1) LCFC
2) Other football and sport
3) General chat

 

[Brown Nose]

I've been as guilty as anyone over the last few months for posting negative and critical posts in the LCFC forum. I don't mean to drag others down. I find posting in there a release from the frustration of watching us feck it all up. I don't post on any other social media so you lot get it all.

I honestly think that our 22/23 season will go down as the worst act of self-harm any PL club has ever undertaken. It was horrific and disgustingly unnecessary.

I'm not over it and I won't be over it for a while. I don't even think I'll be able to take pleasure from a successful season this year. All I'll be saying is that we should never have been here in the first place. Prepare yourselves!

Having said all that, there isn't the emotional pain this time round. When I was younger, relegations would really hurt. I can't say this one has touched me. Maybe that's an age thing or maybe it's because we completed football so who gives a toss any more?

Supporting LCFC over the last decade or so is a psychological experiment no other group of supporters can really relate to. We've only got each other that get it.

In the 'real' world I have two professional roles. The first one is as a performance analyst. I spend my time looking at what my business is doing and picking up the mistakes and proposing ways to improve. That maybe comes across in the way I write on here!

My other role is as a mental health first aider. Believe it or not, it's easily the most rewarding thing I do in life and something that is very important to me. I have supported loads of people over the last few years and when you see someone take on board some suggestions and help themselves to move forward, well there's nothing like it.

So well done ted for recognising that something wasn't right and being prepared to do something positive about it. This thread is a great idea. I think this forum is pretty much exclusively men. We'll all useless at recognising and adressing mental health issues. If anyone is struggling, this can be a safe space to seek support.

So I'm part of the problem and possibly part of the solution too.

 

[Payne74]

this forum is pretty much exclusively men. We'll all useless at recognising and adressing mental health issues.

Yep completely agree, my wife said today how well I was coping with my Father's death, in reality I'm dieing inside and think about him all the time, I've even called him when I've heard something on the radio that he would be interested in, only to remember he's no longer here. Obviously being a bloke I say nothing and carry on.
This forum is the only place I will admit this too.

 

[pork pie fox]

Yep completely agree, my wife said today how well I was coping with my Father's death, in reality I'm dieing inside and think about him all the time, I've even called him when I've heard something on the radio that he would be interested in, only to remember he's no longer here. Obviously being a bloke I say nothing and carry on.
This forum is the only place I will admit this too.

Sorry to hear that Payne74 , but good to know that you at least see here as somewhere you can mention it. Please do talk about it though, even if it is just in here, as that’s got to be better than bottling it all up if you’re feeling the pain.

 

[Brown Nose]

Yep completely agree, my wife said today how well I was coping with my Father's death, in reality I'm dieing inside and think about him all the time, I've even called him when I've heard something on the radio that he would be interested in, only to remember he's no longer here. Obviously being a bloke I say nothing and carry on.
This forum is the only place I will admit this too.

Welcome to the club. I recently realised that I've been alive longer since my dad died than the time I had him here. It's a loss that never entirely goes away.

I was an idiot when my dad died. I turned to drink, drugs and women to escape thinking about it. It took me three years before I actually understood what I was doing and sorted myself out.

The best advice I can give you is to talk to someone professionally. Grief is a bastard to cope with in your own head. It eats you from the inside. Find a grief counsellor and talk it all out and blub like a baby. It's a much better way forward than what I did. You may well only need a few sessions and I can almost guarantee that'll make a huge difference for you.

 

[Payne74]

Welcome to the club. I recently realised that I've been alive longer since my dad died than the time I had him here. It's a loss that never entirely goes away.

I was an idiot when my dad died. I turned to drink, drugs and women to escape thinking about it. It took me three years before I actually understood what I was doing and sorted myself out.

The best advice I can give you is to talk to someone professionally. Grief is a bastard to cope with in your own head. It eats you from the inside. Find a grief counsellor and talk it all out and blub like a baby. It's a much better way forward than what I did. You may well only need a few sessions and I can almost guarantee that'll make a huge difference for you.

Thanks for the advice, I haven't done anything like what you went through, I'm working like a dog volunteering for every project going the harder and longer the task especially away from home I'm pushing for it, I haven't told my wife yet but I have volunteered to help cover the LPG Scotland distillery maintenance contract, I'm fine until I stop and then my mind wonders to where I don't want to go. Hopefully time will be the cure.

 

[Orifice]

We are all in this together. It's strange, a few years ago I thought that I was the only one.
I'm not a talker, I'm a listener. Talking can be so hard to start but talking and sharing really helps. The world seems crap nowadays but nowadays it's much easier to find help.
Onwards.

 

[Fox Fan]

I can’t remember ever not feeling like something is a bit off, I struggle to be in the moment and to enjoy things. I’ve gotten help in the past but never really got to the bottom of it. Having a child last year has compounded the fact that I feel cut off from people, lonely and incapable of taking control and looking after myself. I love being a dad and I think I’m a good husband, I just wish I could feel more motivated and content. The word ‘lost’ came up in a PM from a kind person yesterday and that sort of hits the nail on the head.

I totally get where this comes from. I think there's something about hitting your early to mid thirties that starts to make you feel this way. Typically friends have drifted away because they've had kids, married, moved or whatever and then the ones you tend to hear from or see are those on social media (particularly linkedin and Instagram) where it seems that everyone else is succeeding (even if they're not).

For me, I think hitting this age has meant I feel that the opportunity to be anything you wanted to be has started to fade, giving way to the reality that you are who you are, working where you work and it'll likely be the same or incrementally better between now and retirement in 30+ years - which I think can leave you feeling lost.

I don't think there's any great solution to it, but I do note Geoff Peters often posts quotes on his social pages which I find interesting that basically say 'be happy and content with who you are and don't feel the societies pressure to live or do certain things'.

 

[Payne74]

and then the ones you tend to hear from or see are those on social media (particularly linkedin and Instagram) where it seems that everyone else is succeeding (even if they're not)

This is why I don't really do social media it's full of everyone living fake life's, every holiday, day out or restaurant meal is snapped and uploaded, it's all bollox it doesn't show the other 95% where they're lives are boring and monotonous, same shit boring underpaid job with no future, partner shagging someone else, kids drinking white lightning down the park skipping school.
But yeah look at me drinking a Mojito through my trout pout lips in Marbs. And then everyone posting "you look gorgeous babe" and your "living the dream" etc etc it's all bollox.

 

[fitz]

I totally get where this comes from. I think there's something about hitting your early to mid thirties that starts to make you feel this way. Typically friends have drifted away because they've had kids, married, moved or whatever and then the ones you tend to hear from or see are those on social media (particularly linkedin and Instagram) where it seems that everyone else is succeeding (even if they're not).

LinkedIn is the worst. Absolute grim how much people big up how work consumes their lives. It's a job ffs, not your reason for existing. People on facey and that will make out all's perfect with kids but i can dig that...even though kids mostly exist to get on your tits, once you're a parent they're something you love and will share any joyous moment with people. LinkedIn ****s are either full of shit or genuinely live for work. Can't be arsed with that. I've done the whole recruiting people thing recently and an honest answer for "why did you get into accountancy?" can only be answered by "can't think of anything else to do" or "pays well and I'm ok with excel"....LinkedIn types that are driven etc can get in the bin with their cvs.

 

[taupe]

I've done the whole recruiting people thing recently and an honest answer for "why did you get into accountancy?" can only be answered by "can't think of anything else to do" or "pays well and I'm ok with excel"

My first proper job was as an 'accountants assistant' (as it was then/there called) I don't recall my answer to the above question but it would have been something along the lines of 'my dad said he will kick me out the house if I don't get a job'. Would that have worked for you?

I was 18 and admittedly lazing about (something I've attempted to do my entire life) I probably would have gone on to university so, tbf, my dad probably did me a favour. If I'd have graduated then I would have still have been equally clueless as to what I 'wanted to do' (I've never wanted to do anything really, or I've always wanted to do nothing to state it the opposite way but more clearly) At least I found out without wasting too much more time that I really didn't want to be accountant, so it struck one off the list.

To get back slightly more topic, the world has changed in my (our?) time - and of course will always do so. We're more used to 'putting up and shutting up' I think. Whether that's ultimately any good for us is another matter. It does mean though that a number of our generation (and I do include myself) are not just not in the habit of talking about how we feel etc, but we also lack the vocabulary, Indeed, don't even know how we feel a lot of the time. There's more emotional intelligence (as they say) around today.

Tbh, I do sometimes feel outside of that, as though I am living in a different age (which, of course, I am) I can be blindsided by it and don't actually know - if I'm honest - what the conversation is even about, so alien is it to me. I guess I'm still used to internalising and dealing with it, whatever "it" may be.

 

[Jeff]

On a separate note, this post suffers from being in a section of the forum that I suspect gets less traffic. I see all posts, as I use the "new posts" function, but if you don't use that then you've got to go in here to see it. Jeff Jeff would it be worth simplifying the menu options? Feel free to disagree, but it could almost be split down into (for example):
1) LCFC
2) Other football and sport
3) General chat

I don't think that would make any difference. People who just want to see the LCFC stuff will still stick to that part of the site. A lot of people have the LCFC forum bookmarked and don't even see the rest of the site.

What I could do is add a sidebar with the latest posts from the whole site, but that will only work for people who access it on computers, which is only around 30% of people who use the site.

 

[give_us_a_wave]

My first proper job was as an 'accountants assistant' (as it was then/there called) I don't recall my answer to the above question but it would have been something along the lines of 'my dad said he will kick me out the house if I don't get a job'. Would that have worked for you?

I was 18 and admittedly lazing about (something I've attempted to do my entire life) I probably would have gone on to university so, tbf, my dad probably did me a favour. If I'd have graduated then I would have still have been equally clueless as to what I 'wanted to do' (I've never wanted to do anything really, or I've always wanted to do nothing to state it the opposite way but more clearly) At least I found out without wasting too much more time that I really didn't want to be accountant, so it struck one off the list.

To get back slightly more topic, the world has changed in my (our?) time - and of course will always do so. We're more used to 'putting up and shutting up' I think. Whether that's ultimately any good for us is another matter. It does mean though that a number of our generation (and I do include myself) are not just not in the habit of talking about how we feel etc, but we also lack the vocabulary, Indeed, don't even know how we feel a lot of the time. There's more emotional intelligence (as they say) around today.

Tbh, I do sometimes feel outside of that, as though I am living in a different age (which, of course, I am) I can be blindsided by it and don't actually know - if I'm honest - what the conversation is even about, so alien is it to me. I guess I'm still used to internalising and dealing with it, whatever "it" may be.

If you'd gone to university what year would you have started ?

I didn't go until I was in my early 30s. Got sick of the dead end bollocks jobs, agency work & worthless wankers who'd been at the same firm for 20 years & yet were still only one rung higher up the ladder than I was on my first day who then went out of their way to make my daily life a misery. Life's ultimate losers. Norman the ****ing Foreman. In the end I just thought **** it I may as well use the half decent brain I've been gifted with & not have to put up with this shit.
I imagined that being a student at 32 would be vastly different to being one at 18. It'd be all very sensible, lots of work, heads down commitment for 3 years.
Absolute bollocks. I got drunk, met new people including some fabulous women & had a riotously good time. Basically everything I would have set out to do at 18 ! It was a great time.

AND I got a decent degree too, followed by a job paying more than I'd ever earned before. To top it all off I got it for free as I carefully ensured that I never earned enough to have to start paying back the student loan until I turned 50 & they wrote it off. Best thing I ever did.

 

[taupe]

I eventually got to university in my 30s too, in the early/mid 90s. Mainly because some bod in a job agency told me that to get another job in IT, I'd need a degree. So I got one. I enjoyed my time there, and more particularly my time off. Great holidays, I'd recommend university as a doss, if you've got the money and can jump the required hoops. I paid off my student loan when I sold my flat. Never needed the degree either but university was a worthwhile experience in its own right. More so, I believe, than if I'd gone when I was 18.

 

[popillius]

There's a problem synonymous with men in this country. They don't want to talk about their mental health and what they feel, and they don't want a trained medical professional going anywhere near their testes or anus. This is why we die so much earlier and unnecessarily.

Being open and honest about how you're feeling both mentally and physically isn't easy. You can't just flick a switch and turn off all your anxieties and embarrassments, no matter how illogical they may be. This is why places like this are so valuable. There's a paradoxical mix of anonymity and friendship that for some, makes it easier to tell their stories and seek help, even if that's under a guise.

I've met two members of this forum in the flesh and yet I feel I know many, many more. We argue, we 'banter', we get cross with one another and we even ignore each other sometimes but I value every member of this forum because they are there when I need to interact. Whether I'm angry, sad, happy, it doesn't matter. I'll come on here, write some nonsense, read some nonsense (and then write some more) but what I won't ever be is isolated. Even when I'm called a ****! A lot!

I don't think spending hours on the internet does anyone any good but the right place at the right time can be lifesaving. Whether that's here or not is a different matter but I know my life would be worse off without it. Having time away from the Forum is also important of course (if not for my sake then for everyone else's!) but knowing I can come back and, for the most part, the furniture will be the same... that's the rub.

Talking about football is great; but talking about everything is so much better.

 

[give_us_a_wave]

There's a problem synonymous with men in this country. They don't want to talk about their mental health and what they feel, and they don't want a trained medical professional going anywhere near their testes or anus. This is why we die so much earlier and unnecessarily.

Being open and honest about how you're feeling both mentally and physically isn't easy. You can't just flick a switch and turn off all your anxieties and embarrassments, no matter how illogical they may be. This is why places like this are so valuable. There's a paradoxical mix of anonymity and friendship that for some, makes it easier to tell their stories and seek help, even if that's under a guise.

I've met two members of this forum in the flesh and yet I feel I know many, many more. We argue, we 'banter', we get cross with one another and we even ignore each other sometimes but I value every member of this forum because they are there when I need to interact. Whether I'm angry, sad, happy, it doesn't matter. I'll come on here, write some nonsense, read some nonsense (and then write some more) but what I won't ever be is isolated. Even when I'm called a ****! A lot!

I don't think spending hours on the internet does anyone any good but the right place at the right time can be lifesaving. Whether that's here or not is a different matter but I know my life would be worse off without it. Having time away from the Forum is also important of course (if not for my sake then for everyone else's!) but knowing I can come back and, for the most part, the furniture will be the same... that's the rub.

Talking about football is great; but talking about everything is so much better.

I think the fact that most of us are ****s helps too.

Seriously though, that was a very thoughtful piece of work & pretty much sums up my own opinion.

One slight error though...there's at least one member of this forum who bucks the trend by constantly insisting on medical professionals investigating their testes & anus despite a total lack of evidence of there being anything amiss with either of them.

 

[Brown Nose]

There's a problem synonymous with men in this country. They don't want to talk about their mental health and what they feel, and they don't want a trained medical professional going anywhere near their testes or anus. This is why we die so much earlier and unnecessarily.

Being open and honest about how you're feeling both mentally and physically isn't easy. You can't just flick a switch and turn off all your anxieties and embarrassments, no matter how illogical they may be. This is why places like this are so valuable. There's a paradoxical mix of anonymity and friendship that for some, makes it easier to tell their stories and seek help, even if that's under a guise.

I've met two members of this forum in the flesh and yet I feel I know many, many more. We argue, we 'banter', we get cross with one another and we even ignore each other sometimes but I value every member of this forum because they are there when I need to interact. Whether I'm angry, sad, happy, it doesn't matter. I'll come on here, write some nonsense, read some nonsense (and then write some more) but what I won't ever be is isolated. Even when I'm called a ****! A lot!

I don't think spending hours on the internet does anyone any good but the right place at the right time can be lifesaving. Whether that's here or not is a different matter but I know my life would be worse off without it. Having time away from the Forum is also important of course (if not for my sake then for everyone else's!) but knowing I can come back and, for the most part, the furniture will be the same... that's the rub.

Talking about football is great; but talking about everything is so much better.

Well said you daft fecker.

Interesting point on the physical side of things too. I had a kidney stone a few years ago and it hurt like nothing on earth. Anyway, I had several doctors interferring with me from every orifice and at every angle and I couldn't care less because I was in agony and needed them to help me.

Since then, my threshold has changed completely. If you want to fiddle away down there, go right ahead.

My point is that women tend to go through childbirth and other intimate checks regularly so they lose their inhibition. We men don't so we build up this embarrassment.

 

[popillius]

Well said you daft fecker.

Interesting point on the physical side of things too. I had a kidney stone a few years ago and it hurt like nothing on earth. Anyway, I had several doctors interferring with me from every orifice and at every angle and I couldn't care less because I was in agony and needed them to help me.

Since then, my threshold has changed completely. If you want to fiddle away down there, go right ahead.

My point is that women tend to go through childbirth and other intimate checks regularly so they lose their inhibition. We men don't so we build up this embarrassment.

One of my biggest fears, a kidney stone. I've always heard they are agony beyond belief.

I reckon if I ever do have one, I wouldn't care less if the pain killer was smeared on a homer boner, I'd let him give it to me.

You're spot on though. What my wife has been through giving birth is horrific; she has absolutely no inhibitions left whatsoever (in the doctor's office, anyhow!)

 

[Payne74]

Well said you daft fecker.

Interesting point on the physical side of things too. I had a kidney stone a few years ago and it hurt like nothing on earth. Anyway, I had several doctors interferring with me from every orifice and at every angle and I couldn't care less because I was in agony and needed them to help me.

Since then, my threshold has changed completely. If you want to fiddle away down there, go right ahead.

My point is that women tend to go through childbirth and other intimate checks regularly so they lose their inhibition. We men don't so we build up this embarrassment.

Yep, my wife goes for her smear tests and happily opens her legs and let's someone probe her fanny with a spatula or whatever, she has no problems with medical professionals examining her. where as it took me 2 years to go to the Dr's when I was occasionally blending form my arse, I didn't even tell the Mr's (everything was ok btw) in fact having the colonoscopy has put me off even more especially as I made the stupid mistake of watching the probe on the monitor whilst the medical students looked up my bum hole.