Danny Drinkwater, by nature, is not inclined to trust people outside his family. It is why he has pushed his body too hard in a bid to turn around what he describes as a "sticky" four years and it is also why he has not told his side of the story during the same period.
But Drinkwater recognises it is time to start trusting the right people, which is why he agreed to give his first interview since 2016 in which nothing was deemed off limits.
During a candid hour-and-a-half in a fashionable central London hotel, Drinkwater opened up on what has gone wrong for him at Chelsea, his drink driving charge, being beaten up in a nightclub while on loan at Burnley and headbutting Jota during his six-month spell at Aston Villa.
The Premier League title winner also tried to add context to what has contributed to some of his bad decisions, why he fell out of love with football, after which he visited a sports psychiatrist, and why a pay cheque will never be any substitute for playing regularly - no matter how big it is.
Tanned from time spent abroad on holiday this summer and looking fit, Drinkwater said: “It is a trust thing, for me. I’m definitely a closed book and that’s extended through most of my life, not just football.
“That’s 100 per cent cost me in terms of what people think of me and it’s cost me in terms of my injuries and fitness over the past few years because I haven’t put enough trust in what the experts have been telling me.
“Look, I know my Chelsea move hasn’t worked out how anybody would have wanted and I’ve made mistakes, but it’s not as simple as me just not playing football or picking up a wage. Money doesn’t solve anything. The pay cheque doesn’t really help at all, you don’t even think about money.
“There have been things that come above football that have not been as simple as I’d like. I’m not looking for sympathy, f--- me I don’t want that, but I suppose I’d just like people to understand it’s not all gravy when you earn so much money and that I do care.”
Drinkwater had recently become a Premier League champion with Leicester City and was rated one of the best midfielders in the country when he last spoke publicly. Four years later, he has been through an entire season for Chelsea in which he did not make a single appearance and played in just six games last term during two loan spells at Burnley and Villa.
He has also landed himself in trouble at all three clubs and asked to describe the past four years, Drinkwater replied: “Sticky.” He went on to reveal that the problems started ahead of his £35million move to Chelsea in the summer of 2017.
“Chelsea came in the first time in the window after we won the League, but Leicester didn’t want to lose me and (N’Golo) Kante at the same time,” said Drinkwater.
“I decided to get my head down and give it a go in the Champions League, but once that was over I felt like I had nothing, I was deflated as anything and then I felt like I was just plodding along in the games. So when Chelsea came back in for me, I wanted the challenge and I was buzzing for it. I did everything to try to make it happen. I needed something new.”
Having arrived injured, Drinkwater’s first season at Chelsea under Antonio Conte didn’t go as well as he hoped, but it was no write off as he made 22 appearances and featured heavily in the club’s FA Cup run, despite not playing in the final victory over Manchester United.
Having flirted with the idea of leaving, Drinkwater was persuaded to stay and hoped to push on. But the arrival of head coach Maurizio Sarri sent his career into a nose-dive.
“We had a meeting on the last day of the summer transfer window, one hour before it closed,” explained Drinkwater. “It was Sarri and Gianfranco Zola translating. They told me I could go on loan and I was like ‘what the ****? You’ve given me one hour to get a move’. I didn’t even call anyone because I was so angry and there was no chance I was going to get a move in an hour. Giving me an hour was a joke.
“He said I would get frustrated. That would have been fine, me battling behind three or four players is frustration. Me not being involved in any matchday squads, that’s just crazy. Weirdly, me and Sarri got along off the pitch, but on the pitch it was totally different.”
Drinkwater did not make a single appearance during Sarri’s solitary season in charge and his treatment by the Italian saw him fall out of love with football. It also coincided with him being charged with drink driving after crashing his car in April last year.
“I don’t regret staying and not leaving in that hour or not going on loan in the January because I still wanted to give it a go,” said Drinkwater. “But now I reflect on it and think it is a bit embarrassing that I’ve been at Chelsea and not played for a full season.
“Once I knew I wasn’t going to get a chance I treated it like a job. It meant I fell out of love with football because at that point it just becomes a job and fulfilling your hours. Mentally, it’s a killer. For a full year knowing that was hard to cope with.
“I won’t use Chelsea as an excuse for the drink driving. Obviously, my mental state wasn’t the best, but it was ridiculous and it should never have happened.
“There were a few things going on then away from football, my nan and grandad passed away quite close together and, this might sound daft to anyone who doesn’t have a dog, but my dog passed away and that hurt me. It was all part of the sticky patch.
“For everything to come in a short space of time with my career not going to plan was too much for me. It hit me.”
Drinkwater is separated from the mother of his three-year-old son and travelling north to see him added another layer of complexity to his situation.
“I wasn’t able to see my son as much as I wanted,” he said. “I thought it would be easy living on my own, do what I want and then travel up to Manchester to see my son, but it wasn’t like that. I was sat doing nothing, or I couldn’t see my son or there were problems with the trains so I couldn’t get back or I was delayed.”
Drinkwater opened up to his friends and family over his problems and also visited a sports psychologist in a bid to help kick-start his career ahead of last summer’s loan move to Burnley.
But he only made two appearances for Sean Dyche’s team and less than a month after
joining the Clarets he was assaulted inside a nightclub.
“I was pinching around the team then,” said Drinkwater. “Someone said I had tried to chat up some footballer’s girlfriend, but that just wasn’t the case. I got jumped and beaten up. It was an international break, so I wasn’t breaking any rules by going out and having a drink. But the timing was awful and the fact I twisted my ankle was the worst thing. I went in for a scan the next day and found out it was to do with the bone and I couldn’t believe it. It was just like ‘could this get any worse?’.
“I needed to find some enjoyment and have some release. If that happens the year we won the league at Leicester then nothing happens and you have a great night. Looking back now, I should have known it was the wrong time to take the risk, however small it was.
“I didn’t have any stability in my life, so I was probably a bit lost as a person. I didn’t know where I fitted in professionally and I didn’t really know where I fitted in with my personal life and seeing my son, and it was really confusing. I think if you have one solid, then the other one you can manage.”
Once again impatient to play, Drinkwater returned to Chelsea in January and moved on loan to relegation-threatened Villa where it dawned on him just how far a year-and-a-half without any football had left him off the pace.
“Villa was the biggest wake-up call in terms of my fitness,” said Drinkwater. “I was catching up three pre-seasons, a full season with no football and half a season where I’ve played two games. And I’m thinking ‘eight games, I’ll be fine’. I was trying to rush it and, to be fair, Dean Smith was quality. He didn’t put any pressure on me, but I felt like I had no time. I played four or five games and I didn’t manage to do anything. The fans were waiting for Danny Drinkwater and this loaf of bread turned up in midfield.”
The frustration boiled up inside Drinkwater again and eventually spilled over following the club’s 4-0 defeat against Leicester in a game in which he did not get off the substitutes’ bench against his former club.
“I was thinking ‘Jesus, I’ve just been back to somewhere I had so much success and I couldn’t get on the pitch. This is embarrassing’,” said Drinkwater. “I got some stick from the fans and I woke up and I was raging. After training I planned to go and speak to Dean Smith about things,
but then I went and headbutted Jota.
“We were on the same team, that’s how stupid it was. I’ve never done that, I’ve never laid someone out before. It was ridiculous. I apologised straight away and I had to go home. I texted him straight after to apologise and take full responsibility. I Google translated it into Spanish as well to make sure he’d understand.
“I told myself that I needed to clean myself up big time. I must have taken a good look at myself s--- loads of times. I had a wake up call after the drink driving, another wake up call after the nightclub and then another wake up call after the incident at Villa. Then it’s like, this has got to stop. Drink driving, I’ve not driven since, because I can’t, the nightclub incident, I’ve not really been in an English nightclub since and I don’t plan to and I definitely can’t put myself in the situation to fight with a team-mate again.”
Now back at Chelsea, where he is training away from the first team group, Drinkwater still believes he can turn his career around and is desperate to show his son what he is capable of.
“There’s nothing more important in my life than my son,” he said. “I obviously don’t want him to read anything bad about me, but I know I will have to explain and be honest with him about this period of my life. I want him to see me playing week in week out.
“I’ve got loads more to give. I’m open to going abroad, even though it will be difficult with my son. But I would hope to still see him and, hopefully, he would understand that for a year I needed to get my career sorted out again. I need an anchor and I need to sort out one side of my life, so if I can sort my football out, even if it is abroad, then that will help in the long term. I need something to grasp.
“It probably all comes down to patience and trust with me. I need to change for it to work, otherwise I’ll be stuck in this vicious circle. If I can trust people who are good at their job and be patient then I can only see me building my career back up now. I can’t see me staying in this situation. No chance.”