The random joke thread

[drummindefender]

Major suggested that Prince Charles is not Prince Harry's biological father. Enderby, who once masturbated on a bus in full view of some elderly women, took the joke far too literally, or misunderstood, or something..

:icon_lol:

I dunno what was TBs worst revelation of the year. That or Beighton taking photos of rugby players arses

 

[LCFCmonkey]

:icon_lol:

I dunno what was TBs worst revelation of the year. That or Beighton taking photos of rugby players arses

Or shitting in a bottle?

 

[Motown Fox]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had
told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the
house.

He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home
to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he
had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next
day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted
that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had
gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix
himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.

 

[Motown Fox]

Two old men visit a brothel, on seeing them arriving the girls decide they are most likely blind as bat's so decide "let's put some doll's in place of us, they won't know the difference".

The two guy's go in to their respective room's to do their thing and after a while both come out. On the way home the one old man say's to the other, "i'm sure my women was dead, she did not move"......the second old man said "what is that all, mine was a witch.......I bit her on her arse and she farted in my face then flew out of the window"!

 

[Motown Fox]

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labour the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labour pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labour,

As they pulled up outside their home they looked across the front lawn to see............................












..................... the postman lying there stone dead!

 

[GazLCFC]

Crap Joke

Crap Joke

Crap Joke

Can we introduce a 3 strike and your out rule? :icon_wink

 

[lazzer]

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months

 

[Nottingham Fox]

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months

:icon_lol:

 

[fcukcov]

with hindsight i should have posted my facebook status as; "i have blown the head gasket on my 1997 ford" rather than "ive just ****ed a 13 year old escort"

 

[fcukcov]

paddy and his bird in bed, shes got crotchless panties on . she says , paddy lick this, ya big sexy bastard! he say **** off, look what its done to your knickers

 

[MKFox]

with hindsight i should have posted my facebook status as; "i have blown the head gasket on my 1997 ford" rather than "ive just ****ed a 13 year old escort"

:icon_razz

 

[The Major]

Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?

A: It's probably your bicycle


Q: What do you call a Scouser in a White Shellsuit ?

A: The Bride

 

[fosseboy83]

Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?

A: It's probably your bicycle


Q: What do you call a Scouser in a White Shellsuit ?

A: The Bride

scouser in a suit?

the defendant

 

[SJN-Fox]

1 - Mary, Mary, quite contrary. How does your garden grow? I live in a flat you stupid twat! How the **** would I know?

2 - Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white and whispy. Along came Foot and Mouth disease, and now it's black and crispy.

3 - Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, cos Jill's a pre-op tranny

 

[SJN-Fox]

Paddy & Murphy arrive at a fancy dress party. The theme was Emotions.

Most people dressed in colours associated with feelings. Red-anger, green-envy, yellow-cowardice.

They look shocked to see paddy naked with his cock lodged in a pear and murphy with his cock in a bowl of custard.

When asked what they had come as paddy answers 'Well l'm deep in dis-pear' and murphy said 'l'm ****in dis-custard!!'

 

[The Major]

Just been on Sky News that Santa isn't happy. Wikileaks have published his "naughty and nice" list.

 

[Motown Fox]

Two married friends are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, You know, I dont know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we?ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late! His friend looks at him and says, Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the backside and say, You as horny as I am? . . . and, she always acts like shes sound asleep!!!

 

[Darth Vodka]

i got raped by some mime artists the other day

they did unspeakable things to me

 

[lazzer]

i got raped by some mime artists the other day

they did unspeakable things to me

:icon_lol:

 

[DillyDing22]

i got raped by some mime artists the other day

they did unspeakable things to me