The random joke thread

Log in to stop seeing adverts

Status
Not open for further replies.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.


Oof.
 
I went to a disco last night and they played The Twist, so I twisted.
Later on they played Jump, so I jumped.
A bit later they played Come on Eileen, and I was kicked out!


I rang work this morning and said "I won't be in work today as I've got anal blindness!"
The girl in HR said "What's that then?"
I replied "I can't see my arse getting out of bed this morning!"

After our divorce I stabbed the missus to death, but before I dumped the body I cut her fanny out and kept it as a souvenir!
My new girlfriend has no idea what I mean when I say I'm going upstairs to have a go on the ex box.

Took a bird home after clubbing last night, and after a few drinks at mine we went upstairs.
While we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said "I hope that's not that fat bitch from last week".
The bird said "what the **** was that?"
I said "it's that bastard memory foam mattress...."
 
Relatives of Raoul Wallenberg have agreed to feature in a new Tropicana campaign aiming to reduce food and drink waste.

The Wallenberg family is famous for saving a lot of juice.
 
I went to a disco last night and they played The Twist, so I twisted.
Later on they played Jump, so I jumped.
A bit later they played Come on Eileen, and I was kicked out!


I rang work this morning and said "I won't be in work today as I've got anal blindness!"
The girl in HR said "What's that then?"
I replied "I can't see my arse getting out of bed this morning!"

After our divorce I stabbed the missus to death, but before I dumped the body I cut her fanny out and kept it as a souvenir!
My new girlfriend has no idea what I mean when I say I'm going upstairs to have a go on the ex box.

Took a bird home after clubbing last night, and after a few drinks at mine we went upstairs.
While we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said "I hope that's not that fat bitch from last week".
The bird said "what the **** was that?"
I said "it's that bastard memory foam mattress...."

:icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol:
 
I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music.

When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music.

Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "****ing kids!", and it played some Garry Glitter.
 
Last edited:
I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music.

When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music.

Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "****ing kids!", and it played some Garry Glitter.

I know I shouldnt, but :icon_lol:
 
Paddy lost his ear on a building site.

His friend Murphy shouts out "is this it?".

Paddy looks and says "no, mine had a pencil behind it".
 
:icon_lol: ok, how about....

Old lady says to her husband "my nipples are as hot today as they were 50 years ago".

Husband replies "they ought to be, one's in your coffee and the other's in your porridge".

:tumbleweed:
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Log in to stop seeing adverts

Championship

P Pld Pts
1Leicester4697
2Ipswich4696
3Leeds Utd4690
4Southampton4687
5West Brom4675
6Norwich City4673
7Hull City4670
8Middlesbro4669
9Coventry City4664
10Preston 4663
11Bristol City4662
12Cardiff City4662
13Millwall4659
14Swansea City4657
15Watford4656
16Sunderland4656
17Stoke City4656
18QPR4656
19Blackburn 4653
20Sheffield W4653
21Plymouth 4651
22Birmingham4650
23Huddersfield4645
24Rotherham Utd4627
Top