The random joke thread

[Longcliffe]

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

 

[Longcliffe]

I was in a pub the other night, & this fat old munter decided to dance on the table. I walked past & commented "Amazing legs!"
She replied "do you think?"
I said "For sure! Any other table would have collapsed by now!"

 

[Longcliffe]

A Coventry fan says to his wife: "We've been invited to a local swinger's party, d'you fancy it?" "Yes" says his wife; I'd be well up for that"

"Fantastic" says the bloke, "I'll ring your dad back straight away and let him know we're coming"

 

[bocadillo]

Important news for Top and his dad!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a.
Turk, a German, an Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane, several
Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a
Slovak, an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander, a Japanese, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Uzbek, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani
a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri
Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a
Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a
Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a
Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Liechtensteiner,
a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian, a Portuguese, a
Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a
Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Tajikistani, an
Armenian, an Albanian, a Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a
Virgin Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a
Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a
Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an
Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a
Bulgarian, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two
Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maitre d',

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"but you can't come in here without a Thai."

 

[Longcliffe]

Ched Evans was sentenced to 5 years today for raping a 19 year old girl. His defence fell apart when the prosecution proved that no girl has ever had consensual sex with a Welsh man.

 

[RHYDAL]

Ched Evans was sentenced to 5 years today for raping a 19 year old girl. His defence fell apart when the prosecution proved that no girl has ever had consensual sex with a Welsh man.

Tell the Thai joke again.

 

[Longcliffe]

Sheffield Utd Footballer Ched Evans has been jailed for five years for raping a woman at Premier Inn.

Everything's Premier but the footballers.

 

[The Major]

I slept with two beautiful Thai girls last night.

I thought I won the lottery

Between us we had six matching balls

 

[RHYDAL]

Amazon reviews of Veet mens hair removal creme - http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-rev...iewpoints=0&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending

A sample below.....


5.0 out of 5 stars Muff-be-gone., 23 April 2012
By
The Pink Shirt Platypus - See all my reviews



This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
The wife had let her ladygarden get out of control, which is a polite way of saying she had a biffer like a barbers floor. I laced the front of all her pants with this stuff and its worked a treat! Now she's smoother than my uncle franks head, and he's a great big baldy!

 

[Feriol]

Amazon reviews of Veet mens hair removal creme - http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-rev...iewpoints=0&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending

Brilliant, never laughed so hard!

 

[FryattFox]

Veet for men:

DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS, 24 Jan 2012
By Andrew
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)

 

[Longcliffe]

I asked my mate Paddy what he did at MI5.

He said he could tell me but then he'd have to kill himself.

 

[Singth]

Why was the washing machine laughing?

Coz he was taking the piss out of the knickers.

 

[Motown Fox]

Roy Hodgson is to be appointed the new England manger.





What .... it's not a joke ..... it is probably going to happen in the next day or so.

 

[GazLCFC]

Why was the washing machine laughing?

Coz he was taking the piss out of the knickers.

I was going to say it's nice to have you back, but then I read the post. :icon_wink

 

[Longcliffe]

Apparently Geoff Shreeves just turned up at the Tottenham training ground to tell Harry Redknapp he didn't get the England job.

 

[Longcliffe]

I went for a job interview at MI6 today.

I think it's in the bag.

 

[SJN-Fox]

Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a paedophile.

Not me, I live next door to a stunning 14 year old with a tight arse and cracking tits.

 

[Motown Fox]

The Chief Executive of the FA has just spoken to Roy Hodgson to tell him 'Dont forget we have no Wayne for the first two matches'. To which Hodgson replied, 'Dont bother me with a ****ing weather forecast now you pwick!'.

 

[jb5000]

Did you miss everyone saying what a shit joke that was when the Sun went with on the frontpage?