The random joke thread

[Longcliffe]

Me and the wife were in the shopping centre earlier, where we rounded a corner to see a gaggle of young girls, all wearing next to nothing, pouring out of hmv.
"Phoarr!", I said to the wife, pointing at a gorgeous lass of about twenty. "I bet you'd f***ing love to have legs like her."

She didn't respond, but I could tell she was upset.

I could hear the sobs as I wheeled her up the ramp into debenhams.

 

[The Major]

I just saw a bloke driving a tractor and shouting "THE END IS NIGH!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

 

[Billyjof]

I just saw a bloke driving a tractor and shouting "THE END IS NIGH!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

You have posted some shit in this thread, but this one I Like

 

[Darth Vodka]

What's the worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider?


You're probably Australian...

 

[OldGit]

A bloke goes into a bar and somebody is selling a toothless ferret.

"What use is that"?, he asks, "That’s not going to catch many rabbits".

"Slip it in it your trousers" the seller replies.

So he puts it down his pants it gives him the best BJ ever. So he buys it, takes it home and gives it to his wife

"Oh" she says "Whats this"?
The bloke replies "It’s a toothless ferret".

"What am I going to do with a toothless ferret"? she asks.
"Teach it how to wash up then pack your bags and f*ck off"!

 

[OldGit]

A blind man was describing his favorite sport of skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that everything was done for him. “I am placed in the door and told when to jump, ” he said. “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go. ”


“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.


“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground, ” he answered.


“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was asked.


He answered, “The dog’s lead goes slack. ”
​

 

[Singth]

Sanjay, the Indian wife beater, headbutts his wife at 7.30 every night.......on the dot!

 

[Longcliffe]

I don't understand all this hype about Carlsberg being the Best Lager in The World....I just found a can on the wall outside my house and it tasted like piss.

 

[Longcliffe]

The girlfriend bought me a Rolex for my birthday. “Do you like it” she said?
“Its great!” i said
“It will remind me of your pussy.”
She laughed … “Is that because its precious and sexy?”
I replied: “No its a bit loose round my wrist!!”

 

[Motown Fox]

I don't understand all this hype about Carlsberg being the Best Lager in The World....I just found a can on the wall outside my house and it tasted like piss.

Talking of which I was doing a survey in the student area of Sheffield and it was about 10ish in the morning and I'd been doing the survey a few hours when I stopped a guy to ask the questions and when I stopped him he wasnt paying much attention and I noticed he was looking behind me. Then he reached behind me and picked up the remains of a pint which I imagine had been left there by a student the night before. He took it down in about 2 gulps and walked off leaving me open mouthed standing there clipboard in hand.

 

[FryattFox]

Talking of which I was doing a survey in the student area of Sheffield and it was about 10ish in the morning and I'd been doing the survey a few hours when I stopped a guy to ask the questions and when I stopped him he wasnt paying much attention and I noticed he was looking behind me. Then he reached behind me and picked up the remains of a pint which I imagine had been left there by a student the night before. He took it down in about 2 gulps and walked off leaving me open mouthed standing there clipboard in hand.

I've looked and I've looked but I can't see the punchline?!

 

[Motown Fox]

I've looked and I've looked but I can't see the punchline?!

Thats cos its true!!
It was no joke I can tell you.

 

[The Major]

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked. "Magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man. "Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

So the man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach. But still, the youngster wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

 

[The Major]

When my Doctor told me that they may have a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

 

[SJN-Fox]

Dyslexia is not a condition, it's a way of loaf.

 

[The Major]

I went to a lovely Christian restaurant last night. It was called 'The Lord Giveth'. It also does takeaway.

 

[Motown Fox]

I went to a lovely Christian restaurant last night. It was called 'The Lord Giveth'. It also does takeaway.

Is the wine cheap there?

 

[spionfox]

Is the wine cheap there?

It's watered down.

 

[Matt_B]

Is the wine cheap there?

They have it on tap.

 

[lazzer]

The corgi's are delighted Prince Phillip is well and back at home. Apparently they are fed up with getting the blame for pissing on the sofa.