The random joke thread

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Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh .
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."
 
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her,

'Father, may I ask a favour' ?

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.

It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it..

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your

Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,

'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to

declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which

is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.

Next please!'
 
FryattFox said:
Surely that was why the official was roaring with laughter.

Do try to keep up, sonny.
Click to expand...

I'll have you know, I actually get jokes, but this is just fundamentally flawed. There's just way too much ambiguity in the official's response
 
Macky said:
I'll have you know, I actually get jokes, but this is just fundamentally flawed. There's just way too much ambiguity in the official's response
Click to expand...

I think that you'll find that it just works on so many levels, as I'm sure spion intended.

Each time I read it I get another level and it becomes even more hilarious than the last.
 
FryattFox said:
Each time I read it I get another level and it becomes even more hilarious than the last.
Click to expand...

A week after I first heard it I literally split my sides.

Yes, literally. The doctors were most impressed.
 
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. “You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach! ”

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be? ” “Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish! ” was the businessman’s answer. “And then what will my reward be? ” asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish! ” “And then what will my reward be? ” asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you! ” he said. “And then what will my reward be? ” repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you! ”
Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be? ” The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world! ”
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what the **** do you think I’m doing right now? “
 
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During the Olympics in London.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman wanted to get in, but they hadn’t got tickets.
The Scotsman picked up a manhole cover, tucked it under his arm and walked to the gate.
“McTavish, Scotland” he said, “Discus” and in he walked.
The Englishman picked up a length of scaffolding and slung it over his shoulder.
“Waddington-Smythe, England” he said, “Pole vault” and in he walked.
The Irishman looked around and picked up a roll of barbed wire and tucked it under his arm.
“O’Malley, Ireland” he said, “Fencing.
 
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Motown Fox said:
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. “You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach! ”

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be? ” “Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish! ” was the businessman’s answer. “And then what will my reward be? ” asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish! ” “And then what will my reward be? ” asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you! ” he said. “And then what will my reward be? ” repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you! ”
Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be? ” The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world! ”
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what the **** do you think I’m doing right now? “
Click to expand...

Not so much of a joke as a Confucianism.

Perhaps we need another thread for inspiration, morals and general life guidance.
 
A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"

The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."

The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let the m play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

Then the Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."

And the Scotsman said, "Why kin they no play at night?
 
From the flightdeck, the pilot comes over the public address system to greet his passengers. He tells them what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
 
fox58 said:
From the flightdeck, the pilot comes over the public address system to greet his passengers. He tells them what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
Click to expand...

I guess you had to be there.
 
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