The random joke thread

[Feriol]

Pop Songs for the older generation

1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

12. TheTemptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

13. Abba--- Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

16. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

17. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To

 

[Feriol]

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he
attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member
of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes
go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined
they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of
math instruction. He would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the
president.

 

[Feriol]

The Bathtub

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and
ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal
person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
teacup."


Scroll down for the answer


This will make you chuckle!!!>
























"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?

 

[Feriol]

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint

when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,

"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says:

"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they burn a few. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:

"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into
the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting
finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much
water did you drink?!!"

 

[Feriol]

Teen age sex:
The mother of a 15-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told
her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

 

[Feriol]

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity"
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?"

 

[Feriol]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem."The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

 

[Feriol]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male!!!

 

[Feriol]

One Question IQ Test

Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your time


There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?


Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...







































He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

 

[Feriol]

The Post Office has created a new stamp with a picture of ex Prime Minister Tony Blair to honor his achievements. In daily use it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes. This has enraged Mr Blair, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing they revealed the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order
2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive
3) People are spitting on the wrong side

 

[OldGit]

The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel.


The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?"


A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the bride demanded, "Who was that woman?!"


"Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to have trouble enough explaining you to her."

 

[Feriol]

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is: Don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down, he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

 

[OldGit]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mother on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mother sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son asks his mother "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his Mother, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

 

[Feriol]

Man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, , "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."

 

[Feriol]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

 

[Feriol]

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

 

[Feriol]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her recent psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

 

[Feriol]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

 

[alex]

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
"Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your
wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?" The Irish guy
smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, Well, oim a little
bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the
one wit the L is for me Left foot" ''Cor blimey'', exclaims the Essex
girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them''.

 

[Hector]

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
"Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your
wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?" The Irish guy
smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, Well, oim a little
bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the
one wit the L is for me Left foot" ''Cor blimey'', exclaims the Essex
girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them''.

I can still remember the girl who first told me that joke...in 1972!