The random joke thread

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This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."
 
Brauny Blue said:
This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."
Click to expand...

:icon_lol:
 
Just been to my first muslim party, musical chairs was a bit slow, but **** me pass the parcel was fast.
 
bloke stood on the side of the street pouring petrol on some muslims, policeman pulls up. "what do you think your doing?" He replies "about 15 to the gallon"
 
A man gets a job in a mortuary. On his first day his boss is called away and hew is left with nothing to do, so he decides to have a look at the bodies

He uncovers the first body and there is a cork in his arse. He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!

"... On the road again, just can't wait to get
on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out and rams the cork back in. When his boss returns a few minutes later he rushes up to him and drags him over to the body

"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again

"... On the road again..."

."So what?" says.the boss

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the boss "Any arsehole can sing country music!"
 
A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer
that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate
it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be
used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
 
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

2 litres of low fat milk,
A carton of eggs,
2 litres of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
Dozen tomatoes,
Can of coffee
And a 250g pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk slurred, "Kausing you're Uggly"
 
First year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the "posterior" of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But they eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
 
Paddy and Murphy were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A
blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to
find the height of the flagpole," said Paddy, "but we don't have a
ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid
the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a
measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Murphy shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond?
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."
 
Little Johnny the Conductor

Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his toy train as his father cooked dinner.
Little Johnny stopped the train and said, ''All you damn assholes who want to get off, get the hell off. All those who want to get on, get the hell on!''
''Little Johnny!'' exclaimed his father. ''I can't believe you are using that language! You should be ashamed of yourself! I want you to go to your room and don't come back until you have thought about what you've done!''
So Little Johnny goes to his room and comes back an hour or so later.
He resumes playing with his train, only this time when he stops it he says, ''All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off, you may now get off, and those who want to get on, you may now also get on. And as for those of you who have a problem with the hour delay, talk to the asshole in the kitchen!''
 
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."
 
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne. a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris.
Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 yearold ready for more "action."
And once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris set to leave again, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover,Morris"
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
 
One for the Geeks

PROFESSIONALS ONLY:

unix% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

unix% rm god
rm: god nonexistent

unix% get a light?
No match.

unix% %blow
%blow: No such job.

unix% Sleep with me
bad character
 
You need to remember the irish accent for this one

Irish Math Test

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
 
New exercise routine if you're over 40. You might want to take
it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It
may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before
starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN...





































































































































NOW SCROLL UP.. .
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a Beer.
 
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
 
What does an insomniac, who is an agnostic with dyslexia do all night?


Lays awake wondering if there really is a dog
 
A Dog's Diary:

8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1pm - Oh boy! The Yard! My favorite!
3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

A Cat's Diary:

Day 183 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my
captors
by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -
must
try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse
these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their
favorite chair - must try this on the bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt
to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little
cat
I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of
gathering
of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event.
However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I
overheard that my confinement was due to my impact on "allergies". Must
learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The
dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a
half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and
speaks
with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his
current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait - It is only a matter of time...
 
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