The random joke thread

[Feriol]

Dear Dr. Phil -


When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she never liked fishing.

One day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam (the shop owner) who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became regular fishing buddies.

Now, as I've already told you, my wife doesn't care about fishing and not only refuses to join us, but continually complains that I spend too much time fishing with Sam.


Well, a few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, but, a few minutes later Sam caught what must have been his twin brother!

So, I took a picture of Sam holding up the two great prizes we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she threw a fit and said she doesn't want me to go ever go fishing again! She demanded that I sell the boat and find another hobby!

I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks -


P.S Here is a picture of Sam with the pair of bass that we caught!!

View attachment 1868


Dear Fisherman,

By all means, keep your hobby and get rid of that narrow minded wife. That's a nice pair of bass!! -- Dr. Phil --

 

[Feriol]

WHAT WOMEN SAY VERSUS WHAT THEY ACTUALLY "MEAN"
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

 

[Feriol]

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a pound in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

 

[Feriol]

Advice for Husbands About Aging Wives

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice
this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle
the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it
became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra
income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a
trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was
fortunate to land a job at the local medical center.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I
noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get
home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she
starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens.
Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is
not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when
she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for
several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her
several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves.
I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them
done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger,
Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and
not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so
much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another
trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As
long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing
to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something
ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or
Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or
something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next
evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to
do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog,
vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to
gut and scale the fish as a more leisurely pace. Nancy is
starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you,
but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that
it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue
to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest
periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she
said she had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard.

I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age
talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs
these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit
for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for
herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by
the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show
this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better
than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My
purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the
effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing
consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average
man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little
less often because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was worthwhile.

Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause
of death is still under investigation

 

[OldGit]

Nelson and Hardy
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious Persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England 'past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it........... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Disability Discrimination Act , sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case.

...................

..........

kiss me, Hardy."

 

[Brauny Blue]

A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"
The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering."
The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da- da-doctor?"
"It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with."
The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?"
"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one."
"Do it!" the guy replies. So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment.
He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on."
The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da- deal!"

 

[pds]

A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"
The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering."
The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da- da-doctor?"
"It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with."
The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?"
"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one."
"Do it!" the guy replies. So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment.
He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on."
The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da- deal!"

:icon_lol:

 

[Brauny Blue]

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no... not the Breathalyzer again!"

 

[Biff]

a farmer and his son go to the big city.while in harrods the son was looking at the lift doors and asks his dad what it was. his dad didn't have a clue.just then the doors opened and an old lady got in.a minute later the doors opened and a lovelly young blonde came out.the father turned to his son and said 'lets get your mother'

 

[Feriol]

Getting old is so hard at times.


Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.


NOW, I talk like an as*h*le ..
...but my gums don't itch

 

[Feriol]

Two elderly men were out driving in a large car, both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
junction. The traffic light was red, but they just went on through. The
man in the passenger seat thought to himself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another junction and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. The man in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was
really concerned that he was losing it.!
He was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the
light was red and they went on through. So, he turned to the other
man and said, "Homer, do you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Homer turned to OldGit and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

 

[OldGit]

Oi!!!!

 

[City Fan]

Two elderly men were out driving in a large car, both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
junction. The traffic light was red, but they just went on through. The
man in the passenger seat thought to himself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another junction and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. The man in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was
really concerned that he was losing it.!
He was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the
light was red and they went on through. So, he turned to the other
man and said, "Homer, do you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Homer turned to OldGit and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

That has to be the least funny joke I have ever heard! 0.2/10

 

[Feriol]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No Sweetheart, both spiders are called Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, Then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain sh*t in our garden."

 

[Feriol]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said....Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."...He did so, slowly.

Now take off my socks."...He did.

"Now take off my skirt."...He did.

"Now take off my bra."...Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

Now," she said, "take off my panties."..He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

 

[Feriol]

While walking Along the canal near Belvoir Drive, a man
came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the
tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck
are
you doing? "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man
replied. "You gotta be kidding me." "No, would you like to give it a
try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he
wrapped
his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this
the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet,
jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later
Elvis Hammond (allegedly) ran by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree
stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the
guy
the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished
telling his story, Elvis shook his head in sympathy, walked
around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,
"Cupcake,
this just ain't your day..."

 

[Feriol]

I had a bunch of Euros I needed to exchange
so I went to the currency exchange window at the local
Travel Agent. Short line... just one guy in front of me...

The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was
trying to exchange yen for pounds and he was a little
agitated.

He asked the teller, "why it change? yesterday I get
two hunat pond fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why
it change?"

The teller says, "fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "fluc you white guys too!

 

[MHS]

I had a bunch of Euros I needed to exchange
so I went to the currency exchange window at the local
Travel Agent. Short line... just one guy in front of me...

The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was
trying to exchange yen for pounds and he was a little
agitated.

He asked the teller, "why it change? yesterday I get
two hunat pond fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why
it change?"

The teller says, "fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "fluc you white guys too!

:icon_bigg :icon_bigg

 

[Feriol]

Mother Superior is having her office at the convent remodeled, so she asks two younger nuns to paint it. Before they start, she warns them not to get any paint on their habits. So the two nuns decide to lock the door and paint in the nude. They're almost done, when they hear a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" they call out nervously.

"Blind man" replies a voice.

The two nuns decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. So they open the door.

"Nice breasts!" exclaims the man.
"Where do you want these blinds?"

 

[Feriol]

Our Homer was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom.

He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Homer, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!" our Homer said

"Homer, Will you please get off the mop bucket." Said the barmaid