The random joke thread

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Reincarnation
Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!
 
A dog walks into a butcher's shop. He's about to chase it out when he notices an envelope in its mouth. He takes it & opens it, to find some money and a note saying reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and then trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button. The bus stops, and the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and berating the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the heck are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds: "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!!"
 
A lad walks in to his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum one.
The dad laughs throws a pillow at the lad and tells him to get out.

Hours later the dad hears a commotion coming from the lads bedroom. He enters the bedroom to find the lad giving his nan one.

The dad looks horrified.

'Not so funny when its your mum is it?' says the lad
 
One for SWWG

Did you hear about the train spotter who was run over by The Flying Scotsman?
.
.
.
.
.
He was chuffed to bits
 
''Doctor, I think I am going deaf!''

''What are the Symptoms?''

''Aren't they the yellow cartoon family on TV?''
 
East Midlands Police are looking for a sexual deviant.

I phoned the information hotline but apparently it wasn't a job advert.
 
G F P said:
East Midlands Police are looking for a sexual deviant.

I phoned the information hotline but apparently it wasn't a job advert.
Click to expand...

your "jokes" get bloody worse.
 
Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled 'LSD'?" Granny replies, "**** the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
 
New car just out.

Room for two in the front, two in the back.

Also room in the boot for another kid.

Introducing the new Renault McCann.
 
Terror Alerts

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross."
Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 
MKFox said:
Terror Alerts

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross."
Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Click to expand...


:038:
 
I was in the pub with my mate last night when some bloke came over to me and said, “Alright mate? Wanna buy 8 legs of venison for 150 quid?”



So I turned to my mate and said, “8 legs of Venison for 150 quid, is that too dear?”
 
fcukcov said:
I was in the pub with my mate last night when some bloke came over to me and said, “Alright mate? Wanna buy 8 legs of venison for 150 quid?”



So I turned to my mate and said, “8 legs of Venison for 150 quid, is that too dear?”
Click to expand...

I would say if they weren't still alive that would be dead dear.
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Face sticky."
 
Did you know.........

Beer contains female hormones?
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a
1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test
subjects: -
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
 
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