The random joke thread

[OldGit]

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. Turning the corner he spots a building with the sign,

"Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry."

"Jerzy Dudek?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese man behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner. Me. "

"You? How did you ever get a name like Jerzy Dudek?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at immigration. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Jerzy Dudek.'

Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'

I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

 

[bocadillo]

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. Turning the corner he spots a building with the sign,

"Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry."

"Jerzy Dudek?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese man behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner. Me. "

"You? How did you ever get a name like Jerzy Dudek?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at immigration. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Jerzy Dudek.'

Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'

I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

FFS, OG! It's Sunday - you were up early!! Piss the bed again?

 

[OldGit]

It's father's day, so I got to have a lie-in actually.

 

[MHS]

It's father's day

Is it??

 

[OldGit]

It was.

Ungrateful little sod. Buy him a bottle of best malt immediately.

Children today. Tut tut

 

[MHS]

It was.

Ungrateful little sod. Buy him a bottle of best malt immediately.

Children today. Tut tut

I made him a cup of tea and bought him a curry. Good enough?

 

[OldGit]

Not for me to judge. Presence or absence of a bootmark on the back of the trousers is a fair indication

 

[OldGit]

A Fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire engine ready to go. I thought we could adapt it for use at home.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few moments the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?







"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

 

[OldGit]

Miss Annabelle had just returned from her first trip to New York City and was serving refreshments to her Southern belle friends on her Daddy's mansion's front porch. It was a hot summer day, but her tales held them spellbound.


"In New York City," said Miss Annabelle, "they have men who kiss other men on the lips."


Miss Annabelle's friends fanned themselves faster and said, "Oh, my!"


"They call them homosexuals," proclaimed Miss Annabelle. "They also have women in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"


"Oh, my!" exclaimed the girls, as the pace of the fanning increased.


"They call them lesbians," said Miss Annabelle. "And they have men in New York City who kiss women between the legs," said Miss Annabelle.


"Oh, my!" said the girls from the edge of their chairs "What are they called?"


Miss Annabelle replied with a smile, "After I caught my breath, I called him 'sweetie'!"

 

[OldGit]

A young boy came home from playing and went up to his mother, saying, "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the Woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then ... "

At this point, the boy's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for teatime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight!"


When they all sat down for their meal she asked the boy to tell his story


"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane," began Johnny. "I went to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was on the oil rigs."

 

[Melton Fox]

A young boy came home from playing and went up to his mother, saying, "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the Woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then ... "

At this point, the boy's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for teatime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight!"


When they all sat down for their meal she asked the boy to tell his story


"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane," began Johnny. "I went to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was on the oil rigs."

 

[MHS]

:icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[fcukcov]

only joking og:icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[OldGit]

only joking og:icon_lol: :icon_lol:

Gooed, otherwise this thread would get moved out of "Jokes" :icon_wink

 

[fcukcov]

Gooed, otherwise this thread would get moved out of "Jokes" :icon_wink

thread moving really upsets you og, is it a personal thing?

 

[OldGit]

It's bad enough not being able to find my keys / screwdriver/ cup of tea /... that I have just put down without having to find out where threads have gone as well.

 

[Matt_B]

A Teacher is reading a story to her class of infants, when she notices a wet patch all around a little girl.
Teacher: Oh! Katie, why didn't you put your hand up?
Katie: I did Miss! But it trickled through my fingers.

 

[Matt_B]

Why is shit tapered?
So your asshole doesn't slam shut.

 

[Matt_B]

Mummy mummy, why am I turning in circles?

Shut up or else I will nail the other foot to the floor.

 

[Matt_B]

Mummy mummy, I'm sixteen years old now. Can I get a bra?

Shut up, George.