The random joke thread

[drummindefender]

Two girls were sitting on a bench in Chigwell talking.

One woman says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away -- Southend or the moon?"

The other woman turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see Southend??"

 

[OldGit]

2 girls playing Trivial Pursuit in Chigwell


One rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"


She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

[OldGit]

A little girl goes to the shops to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.

Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies,

"I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

 

[OldGit]

A man is finishing a examination and his family doctor asks:

"Everything looks okay; is there anything else you can think of?"

"Well, yes, I'd like a birth control prescription for my daughter."

"Your daughter? Why she's only 12...you don't mean she's sexually active?"

"Nah...she just lays there like her mother."

 

[Melton Fox]

I've heard that before and it never fails to shock me

Not sure whether I find it funny or sick Oh well

 

[OldGit]

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.


"Och, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..."


Archie nods approvingly.


"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.


"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "You'll look smart in that! And what's the tartan?"


"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

 

[OldGit]

A Chigwell woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a local policewoman.


The officer asked to see the driver's license.


She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.


"It's square and it has your picture on it," replied the policewoman.


The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.


The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

[MKFox]

A Chigwell woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a local policewoman.
The officer asked to see the driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
"It's square and it has your picture on it," replied the policewoman.
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

That is really poor, but i still chuckled!:icon_bigg

 

[Willlow]

That is really poor, but i still chuckled!:icon_bigg

I chuckled at the fact that you chuckled at it :icon_bigg

 

[OldGit]

I feel truly humbled that 2 people chuckled.

 

[Willlow]

I feel truly humbled that 2 people chuckled.

To be fair i chuckled at MK not the joke :icon_wink :icon_bigg

Although i did like the southend/moon joke :icon_bigg

 

[fcukcov]

That is really poor, but i still chuckled!:icon_bigg

I chuckled at the fact that you chuckled at it :icon_bigg

:icon_roll feckin Chuckle brothers.....

 

[MHS]

To me, to you.......

 

[Han]

What is the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend, and a wife?
The hooker says, "You're not done yet?"

The girlfriend says, "You're done already!"

The wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige!"

 

[OldGit]

 

[MKFox]

ewar woowar

 

[fcukcov]

ewar woowar

edward woodward?

 

[lazzer]

you've played into his hands there leroy

 

[fcukcov]

you've played into his hands there leroy

in his wildest dreams.....

 

[OldGit]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.

He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

"You'll see", he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating. "Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."






His daughter screams... "Don't eat it, Jimmy !....It's a f*ck!n @rsehole...!!!"