The random joke thread

[MHS]

 

[OldGit]

Adolf Hitler approached the golden gates of heaven and St.Peter stood before him.

"name"

"I am adolf hitler. "

Peter looked down his list and said"sorry your not welcome here".

Adolf said" If you let me in I will give you the iron cross the highest order in all of Germany"

Jesus was standing nearby and told Peter "I will handle this"

He went and saw God and told him" Adolf Hitler is at the gates and if I let him in he will give me the iron cross the highest order in all of Germany"

God said "what are you going to do with an iron cross,you could'nt even carry your wooden one".

 

[OldGit]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge
heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy the heart opened and the casket
rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.

At that point,one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes turned to him,he said," I am sorry,I was just
thinking of my own funeral...I am a Gynecologist."

 

[Naughty Fox]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll
take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay
for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to
the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and
says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out
of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way
to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head
and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for
me!"







......THERE'S MORE...







Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the
pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another
cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the
box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the
cliff with the gun.


Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots
the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until
he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.


Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!"








.....IT IS NOT OVER YET...







Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when
Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying
a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then
takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.


Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was
Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now
Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

 

[Han]

hahaa

i like that one

 

[Robsdee]

That's brightened up my morning!!!

 

[bocadillo]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's
gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sarah Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sarah Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to
her and says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid
by 1,400 men in 6 months."

 

[MKFox]

So this woodworm goes into a pub and asks...

"Is the bartender here?"

 

[fcukcov]

> Irish Vasectomy
> After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
> So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
> The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive.
> A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
> The Irishman said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".
> "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
> So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
> He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
> This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London, Newcastle, Scotland, Wales and Israel.

 

[MKFox]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of his car, a truck came speeding down the road, and tore off the driver's side door.
Fortunately, a copper was nearby and got to the scene quickly. Before he had a chance to ask questions, the lawyer jumped out of his car, livid. He was screaming hysterically about how his brand new Lexus was completely ruined, and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop claimed.
When he finally stopped to take a breath, plod shook his head and said "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are. You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say that? My beautiful car is ruined!" yelled the lawyer.
"Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?" the copper asked. "It got ripped off when the truck hit you."
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.





"My Rolex!"

 

[freund]

A man finds a lamp, and rubs it. 2 blonde genies come out. 'We will grant you 3 wishes,' say the genies. So the man tells them what he wants.
He is transported to a mansion, into a room with 50 beautiful woman. He makes love to them all. He then walks out, and notices the carpet is made out of £30 notes.
He hears the door bell, and opens the door to 2 people dressed in white robes and tall pointed hats. They take him outside to a tree and lynch him.
They pull of the hats to reveal themselves as the 2 blonde genies. 'I can understand his first wish, to make love to 50 beautiful woman,' says one genie to the other. 'And I can understand his second, to have a house made of money. But why did he want to be hung like a black man?'

sorry that's the best I could do

 

[fcukcov]

A man finds a lamp, and rubs it. 2 blonde genies come out. 'We will grant you 3 wishes,' say the genies. So the man tells them what he wants.
He is transported to a mansion, into a room with 50 beautiful woman. He makes love to them all. He then walks out, and notices the carpet is made out of £30 notes.
He hears the door bell, and opens the door to 2 people dressed in white robes and tall pointed hats. They take him outside to a tree and lynch him.
They pull of the hats to reveal themselves as the 2 blonde genies. 'I can understand his first wish, to make love to 50 beautiful woman,' says one genie to the other. 'And I can understand his second, to have a house made of money. But why did he want to be hung like a black man?'

sorry that's the best I could do

Surely the house isnt made of money either if its made of £30 notes as that is not money it is faked clearly as there is no 30 quid note in ciculation. or am i analising this too much?

 

[freund]

oh i meant 50£

 

[OldGit]

The vicar entered his donkey in a race and it won. He was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.


The next day, the local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered thevicar not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the vicar to get rid of the donkey. He decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.


The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The bishop informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey. So she sold it to a farmer for £10.


The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10!


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!!

 

[Melton Fox]

It's a shame that the Air France delays weren't even worse :icon_wink

 

[OldGit]

That's where i heard it.

 

[Darth Vodka]

a colleague saw the following sign outside a pub the other weekend:-

"liquor at the front, poker in the rear"

 

[Melton Fox]

a colleague saw the following sign outside a pub the other weekend:-

"liquor at the front, poker in the rear"

Haha, quality.

 

[newtonfox]

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 pounds?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[newtonfox]

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"