The random joke thread

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Three women have a very late night drinking. They leave in the early morning hours and go home their separate ways. The next day, they all meet and compare notes about who was drunkest the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks for 10 minutes."

The second says, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third says, "No, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked over a candle, and burned the whole house down!"

She begins to cry. The room falls silent. Finally, the first girl speaks up: "I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog!"
 
Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor is concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your ****ing cat."
 
OldGit said:
Three women have a very late night drinking. They leave in the early morning hours and go home their separate ways. The next day, they all meet and compare notes about who was drunkest the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks for 10 minutes."

The second says, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third says, "No, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked over a candle, and burned the whole house down!"

She begins to cry. The room falls silent. Finally, the first girl speaks up: "I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog!"
Click to expand...


I liked it :icon_bigg
 
OldGit said:
Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor is concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your ****ing cat."
Click to expand...

:icon_bigg
 
A fleeing al Qaeda guerrilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at
a small stand selling neckties.

The terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only 5 American dollars."

The terrorist shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need
an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water
first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If
you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a
lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the terrorist staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't
let me in without a tie."
 
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle

lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.



The Mexican is stunned.



The Genie says "Hello Master, I will grant you one

wish, anything you want."



The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."



Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so

make me pee tequila."





The Genie grants him his wish.



When the Mexican gets home, he gets a

glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.



He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila.





Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and

it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.





The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"





She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out

of the cupboard and fills it.

He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.





Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.



It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.





The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to

get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two

glasses.



The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.







Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and

tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will

drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on

the table.







The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife

asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says,







"BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."



ARRIBA!!!!!!! ARRIBA!!!!!!!!!!
 
Cate Fox said:
A fleeing al Qaeda guerrilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at
a small stand selling neckties.

The terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only 5 American dollars."

The terrorist shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need
an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water
first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If
you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a
lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the terrorist staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't
let me in without a tie."
Click to expand...
I've heard that before and promptly forgot it. Made me nearly piss myself again :icon_lol:
 
fcukcov said:
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle

lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.



The Mexican is stunned.



The Genie says "Hello Master, I will grant you one

wish, anything you want."



The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."



Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so

make me pee tequila."





The Genie grants him his wish.



When the Mexican gets home, he gets a

glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.



He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila.





Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and

it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.





The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"





She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out

of the cupboard and fills it.

He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.





Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.



It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.





The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to

get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two

glasses.



The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.







Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and

tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will

drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on

the table.







The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife

asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says,







"BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."



ARRIBA!!!!!!! ARRIBA!!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...

This is funnier then the joke :icon_bigg
 
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!
 
That's the same as that video that somebody posted about the mate, his mate and the bird in the front room whilst he was upstairs in the shower (MK I believe it was that posted it, but I may be wrong again)
 
Melton Fox said:
That's the same as that video that somebody posted about the mate, his mate and the bird in the front room whilst he was upstairs in the shower (MK I believe it was that posted it, but I may be wrong again)
Click to expand...

It was indeed, anyone know where that link is?:102:
 
Rayvon said:
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!
Click to expand...

Implausible. No Australian would drink Fosters.
 
A young man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the train window.

An older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love," the young man replied, "It's got nothing to do with you. I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He then carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The old woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sat back up and said to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replied the old woman. "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the young man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window.

The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The young man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get 10 years when the police smell your fingers".
 
there's a new series of kids books released soon.....more in tune today's society apparently!....

children6.gif
 
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