The random joke thread

[OldGit]

One day a teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then and asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy S*#!! A talking pig!'"



So she decides to give her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

 

[Motown Fox]

A few nun jokes

Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.

While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.

Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."

The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."

Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"

The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns. The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"

The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."

The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"

The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."

The Sister answers, "Oh, we just got off Highway 101."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blonde Nun
One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

During the Vietnam War there were many draft dodgers who went off to Canada etc to escape the draft.

One draft dodger was on the run in Los Angeles and the Milatary Police were after him and he ran into the gardens of a Nunnery and saw a nun sitting on the bench praying. Oooohh please sister I'm a draft dodger and the MP's are right behind me can I hide under your habit pleeeasse.
OK says the nun so he does.

Anyway the MP's arrive and ask the nun if she has seen a man in the gardens. Oh no she says in a high pitch voice I have been here all by myself.

The MP'S leave and the gratefull man says thanks to the nun and comments that she has nice legs . In response the nun says "If you go a bit higher you'll see theres a nice pair of balls too . I'm a draft dodger as well mate and there's no way I'm getting caught either!!!

 

[Motown Fox]

Applying for a Job at the CIA
>>
>>A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These
>>highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing
>>and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the
>>position. After sending some applicants through the background checks,
>>training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men
>>and a woman, but only one position was available.
>>
>>The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
>>secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a
>>large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow
>>our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this
>>room, you will find your wife sitting in a
>>chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said,
>>"You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA
>>man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
>>
>>So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We
>>must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the
>>circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find
>>your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man
>>looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.
>>All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out
>>of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't
>>pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the
>>job."
>>
>>"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife
>>and go home."
>>
>>Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to
>>the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will
>>follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final
>>test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun
>>and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door
>>even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot
>>after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They
>>heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for
>>several minutes; then all went quiet.
>>
>>The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
>>from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with
>>blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

 

[Scarby]

Applying for a Job at the CIA
>>
>>A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These
>>highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing
>>and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the
>>position. After sending some applicants through the background checks,
>>training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men
>>and a woman, but only one position was available.
>>
>>The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
>>secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a
>>large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow
>>our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this
>>room, you will find your wife sitting in a
>>chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said,
>>"You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA
>>man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
>>
>>So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We
>>must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the
>>circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find
>>your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man
>>looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.
>>All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out
>>of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't
>>pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the
>>job."
>>
>>"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife
>>and go home."
>>
>>Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to
>>the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will
>>follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final
>>test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun
>>and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door
>>even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot
>>after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They
>>heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for
>>several minutes; then all went quiet.
>>
>>The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
>>from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with
>>blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

thats old, still a classic

 

[OldGit]

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health,largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" He asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or ...
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your ****ing bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

 

[OldGit]

When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?








Make him howl

 

[bocadillo]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital and very much in love. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged: since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

"He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry", Edna replied. "How soon can I go home?"

 

[Melton Fox]

:icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[OldGit]

A woman goes into Harrod's to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £80."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £107.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £80? How did you get to £107.50?"


He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £80, but the Duck Caller is £20 and the Fish Bait is £7.50."

 

[Scarby]

:icon_lol::icon_lol::icon_lol:

 

[joe501]

Two Muslim women speaking about their kids.
The first one asked the other: "So how is Ahmed? I havent seen him about for a while!"
The second woman replies: "No, he became a martyr on his 17th birthday, he was fighting the jihad!"
So the first one said: "Yes, my Jalal was the same, but he was 16 at the time!"
"I dont know" sighed the first woman, "They blow up so fast these days!"

 

[fcukcov]

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where
the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list
but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll
tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who aren't
quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and
over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!", George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," said George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying
on the floor with his arms folded behind his head, and his legs
staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinski,
doing
what she
does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said.........."OK, Monica, you're free to go"

 

[OldGit]

:icon_lol: :icon_lol:

 

[OldGit]

One day, a little boy asked his father, "Daddy, where did I come from?"

"Ah, my son, I guess you'll need to find out one day anyway," said the father.

"Well, you see, your mom and I first got together in a chat-room. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber cafe. One thing led to another and we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

"As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and, since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared and said:

'You've got male'."

 

[Melton Fox]

One day, a little boy asked his father, "Daddy, where did I come from?"

"Ah, my son, I guess you'll need to find out one day anyway," said the father.

"Well, you see, your mom and I first got together in a chat-room. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber cafe. One thing led to another and we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

"As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and, since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared and said:

'You've got male'."

:icon_bigg :icon_lol:

 

[Motown Fox]

A blond left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she
checked the car
and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage
and
inquired how to fix the problem. For A laugh the mechanic told her to blow
on the tailpipe and all the dents would be removed.

She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another
blond came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was blowing
on the tailpipe to remove the dents.The other blonde responded,
"That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"

 

[Motown Fox]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a
strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So
the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first
wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to
live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over,
"My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is
a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make
your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if
that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 31",Why?? she replies

"F*** me", says the man, "you're 31 and still believe in goblins

 

[OldGit]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It
was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless.

One day 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just
come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test... We couldn't ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:












Always keep your condoms in your car...

 

[fcukcov]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his girlfriend.

Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.

Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner," this ... is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

 

[MKFox]

I do enjoy drowning my sorrows, but the current mrs MK just won't come swimming with me.....