The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
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Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know
you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"
you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"
Singth
Active Member
what do richard hammond and and elton john have in common?............................................................
they both have skid marks on their helmet
What do Richard Hammond and Kate Moss have in common?
They both get smashed on Top Gear
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
Beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the
woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told
her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he
asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological
abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he
asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast
cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with
her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here In the
first place."
woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told
her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he
asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological
abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he
asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast
cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with
her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here In the
first place."
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some
special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at
sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a
sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,
something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the
husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down
his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the
Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican then began screaming.........."YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some
special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at
sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a
sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,
something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the
husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down
his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the
Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican then began screaming.........."YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
:icon_lol: :icon_lol:
bocadillo
Water Gypsy
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor
This is good - wait for it
"Your mother must have been a carrier".
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor
This is good - wait for it
"Your mother must have been a carrier".
bocadillo
Water Gypsy
fcukcov
Active Member
are they in your hair? I bet you look real pretty.:icon_lol:
bocadillo
Water Gypsy
fcukcov
Active Member
bocadillo
Water Gypsy
oh yeh I forgot, sorry if I offended you
Of course you didn't offend me. I was just reminding you of the facts.
:icon_wink
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun
Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the
old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's
nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,
and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs
where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued," and Father John said that if the Key to
Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I
would be assured salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell
my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was
Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the
old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's
nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,
and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs
where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued," and Father John said that if the Key to
Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I
would be assured salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell
my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was
Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
:icon_lol:
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a
big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to
the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes
his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily
eyeing the cat food on his side.
The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster says, "I
know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the
other side."
The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"
The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as
high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the bag
and starts devouring the chicken feed.
The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and
makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river.
The Moral of the Story:
For every satisfied cock, there's a wet pussy!
big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to
the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes
his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily
eyeing the cat food on his side.
The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster says, "I
know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the
other side."
The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"
The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as
high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the bag
and starts devouring the chicken feed.
The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and
makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river.
The Moral of the Story:
For every satisfied cock, there's a wet pussy!
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
what do you call a prostitute with no arms and legs???
cash and carry..
cash and carry..
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
Advantages Of Being A WomanWhy it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
Darth Vodka
Well-Known Member
1. We got off the Titanic first.
cos the men let you
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
er, you shag the bloke afterwards, glorified prostitution
cos the men let you
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
er, you shag the bloke afterwards, glorified prostitution
- Status
| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Manchester C | 5 | 13 |
| 2 | Liverpool | 5 | 12 |
| 3 | Aston Villa | 5 | 12 |
| 4 | Arsenal | 5 | 11 |
| 5 | Chelsea | 5 | 10 |
| 6 | Newcastle | 5 | 10 |
| 7 | Brighton | 5 | 9 |
| 8 | Nottm F | 5 | 9 |
| 9 | Fulham | 5 | 8 |
| 10 | Tottenham | 5 | 7 |
| 11 | Manchester U | 5 | 7 |
| 12 | Brentford | 5 | 6 |
| 13 | Bournemouth | 5 | 5 |
| 14 | West Ham | 5 | 4 |
| 15 | Leicester | 5 | 3 |
| 16 | Palace | 5 | 3 |
| 17 | Ipswich | 5 | 3 |
| 18 | Southampton | 5 | 1 |
| 19 | Everton | 5 | 1 |
| 20 | Wolves | 5 | 1 |
