Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
you men shouldnt take the bait then 
:icon_bigg
:icon_bigg
The random joke thread
- Thread starter Durham Fox
- Start date
- Status
homer
Well-Known Member
1. We got off the Titanic first.
cos the men let you
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
er, you shag the bloke afterwards, glorified prostitution
It's usually during the film if you're from Yorkshire.....
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.
>She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
>
>HUSBAND WANTED:
>
>MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON
>ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
>
>On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she >opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had
>no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?"
>the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
>
>The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run
>
>around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the
>old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow
>and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
>
>The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door
>bell, didn't I?"
>
>
>The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.
>She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
>
>HUSBAND WANTED:
>
>MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON
>ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
>
>On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she >opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had
>no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?"
>the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
>
>The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run
>
>around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the
>old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow
>and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
>
>The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door
>bell, didn't I?"
>
>
>The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.
fcukcov
Active Member
Subject: S.H.I.T.
To: All Employees
From: The program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
Date: TODAY
Re: S.H.I.T.
In order to assure the highest levels of quality
work and productivity from employees, it will be
our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our employees more
S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you
do not receive your share of S.H.I.T., please see
your supervisor. You will be immediately placed
at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors
are especially skilled at seeing that you get all
the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. seriously
will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION P ROGRAMS
(D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously
will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they
were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T.
anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If
you too are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested
in a job teaching others. We can add your name
to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of
LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who
need S.H.I.T. in their life, just not the same
person who sent this S.H.I.T. to you...They have
already had enou gh S.H.I.T.!!!!
Please write all complaints legibly in this space ---> []
To: All Employees
From: The program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
Date: TODAY
Re: S.H.I.T.
In order to assure the highest levels of quality
work and productivity from employees, it will be
our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our employees more
S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you
do not receive your share of S.H.I.T., please see
your supervisor. You will be immediately placed
at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors
are especially skilled at seeing that you get all
the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. seriously
will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION P ROGRAMS
(D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously
will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they
were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T.
anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If
you too are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested
in a job teaching others. We can add your name
to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of
LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who
need S.H.I.T. in their life, just not the same
person who sent this S.H.I.T. to you...They have
already had enou gh S.H.I.T.!!!!
Please write all complaints legibly in this space ---> []
fcukcov
Active Member
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice..pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice..pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."
fcukcov
Active Member
husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going
to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The ****ing funeral director would be my guess."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going
to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The ****ing funeral director would be my guess."
fcukcov
Active Member
How to Shower Like a Woman
>>Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
>
>>
>
>>Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
>
>>
>
>>
>
>>If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>
>>
>
>>
>
>>Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
>
>>
>
>>
>
>>Get in the shower.
>
>>
>
>>
>
>>Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
>
>>
>
>>Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
>
>>
>
>>Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>
>>
>
>>Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
>
>>
>
>>Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
>
>>
>
>>Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
>
>>
>
>>Rinse conditioner off hair.
>
>>
>
>>Shave armpits and legs.
>
>>
>
>>Turn off shower.
>
>>
>
>>Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
>
>>
>
>>Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
>
>>
>
>>Get out of shower.
>
>>
>
>>Dry with towel the size of a small ?country.
>
>>
>
>>Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>
>>
>
>> Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
>
>>
>
>>If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How to Shower Like a Man
>>Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
>
>>
>
>>Walk naked to the bathroom.
>
>>
>
>>If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
>
>>
>
>>Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
>
>>
>
>>Admire the size of your willy and scratch ?your bum.
>
>>
>
>>Get in the shower.
>
>>
>
>>Wash your face.
>
>>
>
>>Wash your armpits.
>
>>
>
>>Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
>
>>
>
>>Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
>
>>
>
>>Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area
>
>>
>
>>Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
>
>>
>
>>Wash your hair.
>
>>
>
>>Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
>
>>
>
>>Wee.
>
>>
>
>>Rinse off and get out of shower.
>
>>
>
>>Partially dry off.
>
>>
>
>>Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
>
>>
>
>>Admire willy size in mirror again.
>
>>
>
>>Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
>
>>
>
>>Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
>
>>
>
>>If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake Willy at her and make the
>
>>'woo-woo' sound again.
>
>>
>
>>Throw wet towel on bed
>>Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
>
>>
>
>>Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
>
>>
>
>>
>
>>If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>
>>
>
>>
>
>>Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
>
>>
>
>>
>
>>Get in the shower.
>
>>
>
>>
>
>>Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
>
>>
>
>>Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
>
>>
>
>>Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>
>>
>
>>Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
>
>>
>
>>Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
>
>>
>
>>Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
>
>>
>
>>Rinse conditioner off hair.
>
>>
>
>>Shave armpits and legs.
>
>>
>
>>Turn off shower.
>
>>
>
>>Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
>
>>
>
>>Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
>
>>
>
>>Get out of shower.
>
>>
>
>>Dry with towel the size of a small ?country.
>
>>
>
>>Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>
>>
>
>> Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
>
>>
>
>>If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How to Shower Like a Man
>>Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
>
>>
>
>>Walk naked to the bathroom.
>
>>
>
>>If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
>
>>
>
>>Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
>
>>
>
>>Admire the size of your willy and scratch ?your bum.
>
>>
>
>>Get in the shower.
>
>>
>
>>Wash your face.
>
>>
>
>>Wash your armpits.
>
>>
>
>>Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
>
>>
>
>>Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
>
>>
>
>>Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area
>
>>
>
>>Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
>
>>
>
>>Wash your hair.
>
>>
>
>>Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
>
>>
>
>>Wee.
>
>>
>
>>Rinse off and get out of shower.
>
>>
>
>>Partially dry off.
>
>>
>
>>Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
>
>>
>
>>Admire willy size in mirror again.
>
>>
>
>>Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
>
>>
>
>>Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
>
>>
>
>>If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake Willy at her and make the
>
>>'woo-woo' sound again.
>
>>
>
>>Throw wet towel on bed
Singth
Active Member
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
Yorkshire Vixen
Active Member
:icon_roll :icon_lol:
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....
Melton Fox
Dancing Queen
:icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_lol:
Motown Fox
Well-Known Member
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided
to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked
for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would
you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up To her room for the
night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came Down early to
check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I
have had better. Shame about the eggs, though ....they really weren't that
nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest
Comments Book. We are always looking to Improve our service and would value
your opinion," Said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a
comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had
written.
...
...
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked
for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would
you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up To her room for the
night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came Down early to
check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I
have had better. Shame about the eggs, though ....they really weren't that
nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest
Comments Book. We are always looking to Improve our service and would value
your opinion," Said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a
comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had
written.
...
...
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
Willlow
Well-Known Member
drummindefender
Active Member
A women walks into a bar late at night and the only other people inside are 3 men, one who was clearly worse for wear.
The women herself was not exactly the attractive type-overweight, a stench so foul it made your nostrils burn and boils everywhere. But to top it all of she had the armpit hair that would put even the most hairiest man to shame.
As she walked into the bar she lifted her hand into the air revealing her hairy pits and shouted " Who will buy me a drink?!"
the three men turn round quiet for a second, until the one drunk as skunk stands up and says "Barman get that ballerina a drink !"
after the woman finishes her first drink again she stands up lifts up her arm and shouts " Who will buy me a drink?!", to which the man again replies "Barman get that ballerina a drink!"
this happens 4 or 5 more times until the barman decides to quiz the man by saying " look pal i have no pal with you buying her drinks, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
to which the man replies...................
oooooo your gona love this
"Because a woman who can lift her leg that high, must be a ballerina!"
The women herself was not exactly the attractive type-overweight, a stench so foul it made your nostrils burn and boils everywhere. But to top it all of she had the armpit hair that would put even the most hairiest man to shame.
As she walked into the bar she lifted her hand into the air revealing her hairy pits and shouted " Who will buy me a drink?!"
the three men turn round quiet for a second, until the one drunk as skunk stands up and says "Barman get that ballerina a drink !"
after the woman finishes her first drink again she stands up lifts up her arm and shouts " Who will buy me a drink?!", to which the man again replies "Barman get that ballerina a drink!"
this happens 4 or 5 more times until the barman decides to quiz the man by saying " look pal i have no pal with you buying her drinks, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
to which the man replies...................
oooooo your gona love this
"Because a woman who can lift her leg that high, must be a ballerina!"
OldGit
Well-Known Member
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercome, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercome and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was taling to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in the back yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Silence followed and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercome and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was taling to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in the back yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
OldGit
Well-Known Member
An Amish lady is driving down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a policeman.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you but I do have to issue you a warning," the officer said. "You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," she replied.
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse," said the officer. "That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the police officer.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," she answered.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked her husband.
"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you but I do have to issue you a warning," the officer said. "You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," she replied.
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse," said the officer. "That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the police officer.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," she answered.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked her husband.
"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."
- Status
| P | Pld | Pts | |
| 1 | Manchester C | 5 | 13 |
| 2 | Liverpool | 5 | 12 |
| 3 | Aston Villa | 5 | 12 |
| 4 | Arsenal | 5 | 11 |
| 5 | Chelsea | 5 | 10 |
| 6 | Newcastle | 5 | 10 |
| 7 | Brighton | 5 | 9 |
| 8 | Nottm F | 5 | 9 |
| 9 | Fulham | 5 | 8 |
| 10 | Tottenham | 5 | 7 |
| 11 | Manchester U | 5 | 7 |
| 12 | Brentford | 5 | 6 |
| 13 | Bournemouth | 5 | 5 |
| 14 | West Ham | 5 | 4 |
| 15 | Leicester | 5 | 3 |
| 16 | Palace | 5 | 3 |
| 17 | Ipswich | 5 | 3 |
| 18 | Southampton | 5 | 1 |
| 19 | Everton | 5 | 1 |
| 20 | Wolves | 5 | 1 |
